We all know Netflix™ owns our movie souls. But did you know that Netflix™ also publishes coloring books inspired by their shows Stranger Things, Squid Game, Bridgerton, and Castlevania? Truer words were never spoken. (Not by me — truths do not come out of my tooths.) Not to be outdone, the awesomely awesome Trick or Treat Studios™ has just released their fully-licensed Rob Zombie’s House of 1000 Corpses Coloring Book. In your streaming face, Netflix™!
From their website: “Howdy Folks! You like blood? Violence? Freaks of nature? Well, then boy do we have something for you! Trick or Treat Studios™ is thrilled to present the House of 1000 Corpses — Coloring Book. Written by Daniel Roebuck and Illustrated by Pete Bregman with Cover art by Suspiria Vilchez, this is the perfect activity for any fan! 30+ coloring pages and activities including a Fishboy cut-out decoration, paper masks and a Baby paper doll!” The coloring book sells for $11.99 — red crayons not included. Get it here.
You say you haven’t seen House of 1000 Corpses? Some enlightenment: “Two young couples take a misguided tour onto the back roads of America in search of a local legend known as Dr. Satan. Lost and stranded, they are set upon by a bizarre family of psychotics. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the 1000+ horrors that await.” That plot description reads like an ingredients list of your favorite 7-Eleven™ meat snack.
So while we go pilfer some coloring sticks from those !@#$% endlessly noisy kids next door, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not end up on Netflix™…
METALOCALYPSE: ARMY OF THE DOOMSTAR / August 22, 2023 (Blu-ray, DVD)
“Nathan Explosion, the lead singer of Dethklok, tries to save his band, stop the Metalocalypse, and face Salacia, the ultimate evil. Can Dethklok choose between their egos and the greater good of the world to embark on a gauntlet of dangers that will try their very souls and finally write the song that will be their salvation?”
Metalocalypse, isthe ferociously popular animated series on Adult Swim™. And its band Dethklok are now stars of their first (and hopefully not last) movie. Bonus: the soundtrack comes out at the same time and features performances by King Diamond, Kirk Hammett and Scott Ian. All of this combined is brutal bliss.
STORAGE LOCKER / August 22, 2023 (VOD)
“Comic book collector Packer Stanley falls for two beautiful sisters, Apollonia and Diana Leto, who run a massive underground storage facility. Wannabe witch Apollonia has resurrected her dead father in a demonic boy and uses him to eliminate certain members of their secret society of rarities collectors. Packer seeks the Holy Grail of comics, the first appearance of The Spyder, and is lured into the storage locker maze. There he faces off with the mutating demon to win his grand prize.”
1. Packer Stanley’s name seems backward. 2. Why would two beautiful sisters run a massive underground storage facility in lieu of a rewarding and potentially lucrative career working at 7-Eleven™? 3. 7-Eleven™ sells The Spyder — I just scored a copy for $1.50…and grabbed a pack of mutating demons while I was at it. Man, those things are delicious!
THE CAGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“In the Italian countryside, far away from everything and everyone, from the conviviality of provincial towns, from any contact with others, lives the reclusive Fieri family. Rosa, the mother, rules the family with a stern and perverse iron fist, including her passive husband Elvio and their three grown but completely dependent children. The twins, Anna and Bruno, are forced into an existence of deprivation, punishment, and docility. The youngest son, Sextus, was left paralyzed after an accident in his youth, spending his life completely at his mother’s mercy. But today is Sextus’ birthday, the one day he can wish for anything his heart desires and it will not be denied him. But Sextus’ one dream is a link to the outside world that Rosa decries as evil. Can Sextus finally take matters into his own hands and pull himself towards a horizon that seems unreachable?”
If I had an Italian mom with a perverse iron fist and got to have one birthday wish, I’d wish for her to turn into a roll of toilette carta. In a Spaghetti Warehouse™ bathroom. In Dayton, Ohio. On “15-Layer Lasagna Platter” night. During a heatwave. Happy birthday to ME, perverse iron-fisted Italian mom!
UNSEEN / Release pending 2023 (VOD)
“In the aftermath of an unknown disaster, a mentally unstable man attempts to satisfy his conscience while tormenting a woman with an abusive past.”
This guy sounds like a total dick. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was his name. Maybe the title is prophetic. P.S. Not to confused with the OTHER Unseen, which is streaming VOD as an unknown disaster is pending.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 