Aliens Assemble, Djinn Squatter, Ninja Kaiju

As mashups go, the upcoming Aliens vs. Avengers looks to be right up there with Godzilla vs. Kong…but in Marvel™ comic book form and not in real life, like Godzilla and Kong smacking the box office outta each other. And while you think Hulk or Thor could simply squash an alien like an extraterrestrial ant, think again — the Xenomorphs now have brand-new bugging abilities. Yeah, I’m droolin’.

From Marvel’s™ press release: “It’s all led to this: Xenomorphs reach Earth! The perfect organism meets a planet of superhumans. Who will be first to fall?” As teased by writer Johnathan Hickman, “Probably one of the coolest things about the project is how we’ve found really fun ways to ‘Avengerize’ Aliens and ‘alien-up’ Avengers. I think fans will be surprised at how elegantly some of those things fit together. It really turned out to be a chocolate-and-peanut-butter situation.”

I like chocolate and peanut butter, together AND separate, which means I’ll be Johnny on the spot to buy Aliens vs. Avengers #1, which by the way arrives in comic book stores on July 24, 2024. So while you join me in line (no cuts, though), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not bug you… 

THE FINAL EXORCIST / Out now (VOD)

“A priest must face the demon of his past and overcome the fear that holds him back to save the soul of a new victim.”

Isn’t this the plot of every exorcist-themed movie ever made? P.S. This is a short film. The Devil was probably on the clock, what with his “souls to-do” list.

THE CURSED LAND / July 11, 2024 (VOD)

“A widower and his daughter travel’s to Thailand’s deep south to seek help from a Muslim doctor after unleashing a Djinn in a rundown house.”

They should wait this one out — Djinn have high living standards and will likely move to a non-fixer-upper or a turn-key.

WAR OF THE NINJA MONSTERS: JARON VS. GOURA / July 2024 (Blu-ray, VOD)

“Two men, tired from work, visit the town of Chichibu to enjoy exploring caves, their favorite hobby. But little do they know, the town has been secretly protected by the descendants of the righteous Shinobi ninja since the Sengoku period. The two unlucky friends accidentally break a spell that awakens two colossal beasts, Jaron and Goura. The area’s rival clans manipulate them into a fierce battle, bringing chaos to the area. But a righteous female ninja steps up, wanting to stop the destruction and restore the seal. Can she defeat the evil ninjas that stand in her way before Chichibu is completely destroyed by two kaiju?”

Who needs a heavily-armed military force to battle two kaiju and adding to the massive collateral damage when all it takes is a righteous female ninja? Don’t scoff in disbelief — ninjas, female or otherwise, are highly-skilled at Taijutsu (unarmed combat), Kenjutsu (sword techniques), Shurikenjutsu (throwing weapons techniques), and have killer moves on the dance floor. 

A SOUTHERN HORROR / December 2024 (VOD)

“A Southern Horror unfurls as a dark journey through the haunted landscape of the American South, where Adelaide, tough but broken by her past, finds herself entangled in a web of sinister events and supernatural dread. Adelaide’s story weaves together with the three individual stories she collects, blending supernatural horror with raw human emotion set against a backdrop of haunted Southern landscapes.”

There’s lots of supernatural goings-on in the American South, like the infamously haunted Sweetwater Mansion, once featured on the TV show, Paranormal State, The Tombigbee River, which is haunted by the ghost ship Eliza Battle, and Gaineswood, a plantation house, haunted by the ghost of a former housekeeper. Her ghost plays the piano in the music room. She takes requests, but don’t ask her to play “Sweet Caroline”...unless you’re prepared for sinister ramifications.