Undead Thailand

Thailand may think its pandemic-proof, but a SARS-infected bug says otherwise. One bite from this sick sucker and you turn into a zombie with piranha teeth. Convenient, then, that the first guy bitten lives in a fully occupied high-rise condo. No need to run around town biting people as there’s hundreds of bite-ables right here!

The condo is also the place where a small gang of criminals are holding a businessman’s amazingly hot daughter for ransom. Sending a martial arts student to rescue her, all these events converge into a splattery eat-a-thon, with a house pet anaconda getting turned into a zombie as well. (It grows to about 50 feet and swallows people whole without chewing. So much for savoring.)

Sealing off the building, the Thailand CDC sends in a supermodel doctor with a possible antidote. It doesn’t work and makes the zombies’ heads explode. But fortunately she’s wearing fishnets and leather hot pants under that hazmat suit. (Watch the movie and you’ll see why that’s an important plot point.)

 

The student makes a deal with the hostage hottie: if he can get her out safe, then she has to have sex with him. Done and done. Battling their way through a flood of zombies, the student gets bitten, and before he can turn into a biter, drinks a bunch of laundry detergent and powdered cleaning products to keep from coming back and hurting the girl. Amazingly, he stumbled upon a cure for zombie-itis as the soapy combination cured him. Now he can have sex. Whew!

After they knock boots in the condo’s romantic parking garage with zombies just around the corner, the snake shows up and swallows her. Then it swallows the student’s master. (Yeah, forgot to mention him. Forgot to mention the Stop Virus Bullet, too). But the master has the Green Frozen Sword and slices his way out, freeing the hottie and a criminal that was swallowed earlier.

Even with snake gunk all over it, his gun still works, and he shoots the hottie in the back. Before she dies she pulls off her mask and reveals that she’s a he. Good times — the student lost his virginity to a tranny.

Mixing anime with live zombie action, SARS War: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004) is played as a slapstick comedy, but has some really cool undead creatures. So where was the real hottie the whole time? She fell out a window wearing nothing but panties. Fortunately, a shirt hanging from a clothesline covered her shame and the soft bush below (hey, no jokes — this is a family movie) cushioned her fall. Whew!