Archive for anaconda

Undead Thailand

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sars War

Thailand may think its pandemic-proof, but a SARS-infected bug says otherwise. One bite from this sick sucker and you turn into a zombie with piranha teeth. Convenient, then, that the first guy bitten lives in a fully occupied high-rise condo. No need to run around town biting people as there’s hundreds of bite-ables right here!

Sars War

The condo is also the place where a small gang of criminals are holding a businessman’s amazingly hot daughter for ransom. Sending a martial arts student to rescue her, all these events converge into a splattery eat-a-thon, with a house pet anaconda getting turned into a zombie as well. (It grows to about 50 feet and swallows people whole without chewing. So much for savoring.)

Sars War
Sealing off the building, the Thailand CDC sends in a supermodel doctor with a possible antidote. It doesn’t work and makes the zombies’ heads explode. But fortunately she’s wearing fishnets and leather hot pants under that hazmat suit. (Watch the movie and you’ll see why that’s an important plot point.)

Sars War

 

The student makes a deal with the hostage hottie: if he can get her out safe, then she has to have sex with him. Done and done. Battling their way through a flood of zombies, the student gets bitten, and before he can turn into a biter, drinks a bunch of laundry detergent and powdered cleaning products to keep from coming back and hurting the girl. Amazingly, he stumbled upon a cure for zombie-itis as the soapy combination cured him. Now he can have sex. Whew!

Sars War

After they knock boots in the condo’s romantic parking garage with zombies just around the corner, the snake shows up and swallows her. Then it swallows the student’s master. (Yeah, forgot to mention him. Forgot to mention the Stop Virus Bullet, too). But the master has the Green Frozen Sword and slices his way out, freeing the hottie and a criminal that was swallowed earlier.

Sars War

Even with snake gunk all over it, his gun still works, and he shoots the hottie in the back. Before she dies she pulls off her mask and reveals that she’s a he. Good times — the student lost his virginity to a tranny.

Sars War

Mixing anime with live zombie action, SARS War: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004) is played as a slapstick comedy, but has some really cool undead creatures. So where was the real hottie the whole time? She fell out a window wearing nothing but panties. Fortunately, a shirt hanging from a clothesline covered her shame and the soft bush below (hey, no jokes — this is a family movie) cushioned her fall. Whew!

Ache on the Lake

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 11, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Freshwater

Even though Freshwater, YET ANOTHER giant crocodile movie, waved its flag around back in 2014, its one-line description sent my red flag waving: “A new take on the classic story of a group of twenty-something kids’ weekend of terror at the lake house.”

It’s always a “new take on a classic story. It’s always a group of twenty-something kids. And it always ends up being the same flippin’ movie we’ve seen over and over every since 1999’s Lake Placid, a surprise hit at the box office, which set off a stampede of giant crocodile/alligator movies.

Freshwater

So here’s the plot: “Lake Charles in Louisiana is the idyllic spot to catch some sun and enjoy the tranquil miles of freshwater. When a group of 20-somethings meet up at their island lake house for a weekend of partying, one of the friends never shows up. As more lake visitors are yanked underwater by what seems to be some giant alligators, the screams bring the group out of the lake house. Frantically discovering their boat has drifted away, they have to watch helplessly as more of their friends are pulled under the water. Will anyone get off the island alive, in one piece? Something more sinister seems to be at play.”

Freshwater

They’re hinting at the “something else” thing, even though the set-up is similar to Lake Placid. Could it be that the crocodile in question pure white instead of the preferred cruddy green? Could it be its a baby crocodile and that its mom is, like, a submarine with teeth? Or could it be the darn thing was put there by someone with vested real estate interests in Lake Charles? We’ll know soon enough.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda

In the meantime, you can always cringe watch Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (2015), with the cute kicker line: “Crocs on the dock. Snakes in the lake.” This one pits genetically altered beasts against not only each other, but using an entire girls sorority in genetically altered bikinis as snacks.

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda

Flower Snakes

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , on February 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

A corporate team of venture researchers need to get into the heart of Borneo to procure a rare flower – the Blood Orchid – that only blooms once every seven years. Cool name, Blood Orchid. I’d have called it a Punch You In The Face flower, but I’m all about marketing.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Tests on an earlier retrieved sample indicate it’s the botanical version of the Fountain of Youth. (Note to filmakers: Budweiser™ achieves the same results and is way easier to find). Time is running out as the flower only stays in bloom for one more week. Roooaaad triiippp!

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

And to make things more interesting than the find-n-seek flower, there are giant anaconda snakes everywhere. Seems it’s mating season and the male snakes are on the hunt for the one female skank snake that’ll do it with all of them. Aren’t we all.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

Anacondas continue to grow right up until they die. Since the Blood Orchid is part of their diet, they live considerably longer, and by extension (sorry) grow considerably longer, about 40 feet to be exact. Because the super flower could be worth billions plus millions, greed intercedes and double-crossing ensues.

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

The flowers bloom on the other side of a huge pit where a massive snake sex knot is happening. It looked like a giant bowl of spaghetti gettin’ it on. Hey, what happens in Borneo, stays in Borneo. To reach the flowers, someone has to go across a wet tree that has fallen across the pit. This is what we in the industry call “letting the good times roll.”

Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid

As giant snake movies go, Anacondas: Hunt For The Blood Orchid (2004) stands out. Then again, I can’t remember any other giant snake movies that don’t suck. Ahem.