Slaughterverse, Human Alligator, Snuff Metal

Monsterverse. Multiverse. Spider-Verse. Poohniverse. Attaching “verse” is an umbrella term to encapsulate simultaneously existing time/time lines within said Universe. From a marketing standpoint, it’s pretty clever. What a better — and convenient — way to brand every superhero movie released by Marvel™, or Monsterverse, an all multimedia franchise/shared universe featuring Godzilla, Kong and other kaiju characters? And since any horror/sci-fi movie franchise could label themselves as such, prepare to load — and then re-load — yer britches with Jason Un1v3rse, all revolving around Friday the 13th’s cottage industry, Jason Voorhees. As of this time and space in the multiverse, there are 12 F-13 movies. But given that the franchise has spun pop culture gold with books, comics, clothing, toys, posters and video games, it makes fiscal sense to give Jason his own killing field.

So what will comprise this “Jasonverse”? Horror Inc.™ says it’ll be a “New era from the original owners of the Friday the 13th franchise.” Meaning that new Friday the 13th activations will span a wide range of platforms from entertainment, games, immersive experiences, merchandise and more. This includes A24™ and Peacock’s™ planned Friday the 13th TV series, Crystal Lake. (On that note, horror icon contemporary Freddy Krueger hosted his own TV series, Freddy’s Nightmares, from 1988 — 1990, amassing 44 episodes. I watched ’em all from my Couchverse.)

The top brass at Horror, Inc.™ goes on to say that, “We’re focused on honoring the legacy while elevating the fan experience and appealing to today’s horror audiences as we develop new ways to watch, interact and engage with the Jason Universe. With the unique ability to remain at the forefront of pop culture for 44 years, Jason continues to top charts as one of the scariest villains of all time with strong global awareness across multiple generations thanks to billions of TikTok™ views plus millions and millions of gamers and movie fans. We can’t wait to introduce new Jason Universe to these amazing fans.”

So while we all look forward to more “action is more painful than words” star of Jason Un1v3rse, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not belong in any Universe… 

CROCODYLUS: MATING SEASON / Out now (VOD)

“Allie Glades hires skeptical private investigator Harry Bates to find her missing brother whom she believes was involved with recent incidents linked to the local legend of the Crocodylus monster — a human-alligator hybrid.”

Allie Glades? Sounds like her name is a hybrid of alligator and everglades, where alligators eat with their mouths open. Maybe that’s why she hired an…investi–gator. Heh. Still, I liked this better when it was called The Alligator People (1959).

BLOOD AND BREAKFAST / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“It’s a crazy winter weekend for small town bed and breakfast owners Ken and Natalie as strange things begin happening around their property. Guests are going missing and coming up dead but whose responsible? Is it the deaf father and his son? Is it the million subscription influencer and her bodyguard? Is it the dysfunctional sisters? Is it the free spirit masseuse’s incel brother? Or possibly even the owners themselves? Also adding fuel to the fire every one of the guests seems to have had a brush with a serial killer in their past so they have to figure it out because the pumpkin masked slasher comes to finish them off.”

So is it a pumpkin that’s a masked slasher or a slasher wearing a pumpkin mask? Neither compels me to watch this cliched movie, but knowing which is which would help me find closure.

DIRECTOR’S CUT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A Long Island metal band meets a mysterious director on social media who offers to record their first music video for free. The band is desperate for fame, and his work looks good, so they take him up on his offer and drive to Pennsylvania in hopes of making a killer video. After a night of drinking with this gregarious, obsequious director, the band wakes up to find a different version of him on set. Egos and opinions clash, and the director unveils an uncompromising need for control. After a brief altercation, the band takes a break and thinks about returning home, but they decide they’ve come too far to turn back now and return to film. One by one, the director lures them into the performance space to torture them and make them star in his snuff music video.”

Snuff music video. This could catch on.

PINOCCHIO — CARVED FROM DARKNESS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“This dark turn on Carlo Collodi’s classic 1883 tale sees woodcarver Geppetto carve a puppet resembling his recently deceased son from a block of wood discarded at a crime scene and cursed by Agatha, the priestess of a dark cult. As Pinocchio turns into a vengeful killer, a teen named Charlie and his mother Nancy arrive in the town looking for a fresh start. Meanwhile, a detective starts investigating Agatha’s crimes. The characters intertwine with tragic consequences.”

My parents fashioned me out of discarded Silly Putty™.