Resin-ating Horror, Earthquakes Rock, Vampire Cows

Thalassophobia — an ancient Greek term not related to yogurt — is the persistent and intense fear of deep bodies of water, such as the ocean, seas, or lakes. (I myself have accute Urophobia, which is triggered by public swimming pools.) Japanese artist Thalasso hobbyer (clever) makes resin dioramas that really do a number on your Thalassophobic mind, with mythical underwater creatures like giant prehistoric fish, whales and sharks coming up from the depths to fulfill their dietary needs.

A review of Thalasso hobbyer’s art: “He’s gotten a lot of praise for masterfully crafted diorama depicting a mysterious seaside shrine on a cliff, with a whale-like creature emerging from the depths of the ocean. When viewed from the side, you can see how expertly Thalasso hobbyer is able to recreate the sense of unknown expanse in the ocean.” If you want to know how he creates these resin dioramas, there’s a fascinating step-by-step guide on YouTube™, but only if you click here.

Speaking of YouTube™, there’s a number of really unsettling Thalassophobia videos of…things…from the deep coming to the surface and/or underneath us while we’re hanging out in the middle of the ocean with no land OR 7-Eleven™ in sight. If you’re ever caught in that situation, not even Aquaman and/or Prince Namor can save you.

So while we all keep our swimsuit area as far the f*ck away from all things deep sea and dog paddle in oceans of Keystone Lager™, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you to pollute the water…

CONTINENTAL SPLIT / June 29, 2024 (Tubi™)

“As the New Madrid Fault threatens to tear the USA in two, a desperate team of seismologists and government agents race to prevent disaster while the clock ticks down. Meanwhile, the team faces not only natural calamities but also human-made challenges, making their task even more daunting.”

It’s actually called the New Madrid Seismic Zone, a major seismic area and prolific source of intraplate earthquakes (earthquakes within a tectonic plate) in the Southern and Midwestern United States, stretching to the southwest from New Madrid and Missouri. I looked it up because apparently I had nothing else to do. 

PETER PAN’S NEVERLAND NIGHTMARE / October 2024 (VOD)

“Wendy Darling strikes out in an attempt to rescue her brother Michael from the clutches of the evil Peter Pan. Along the way she meets Tinkerbell who, in this twisted version of the story, will be seen taking heroin, convinced that it’s Pixie Dust.”

In the Disney™ version of Peter Pan, where this movie exploits that movie’s public domain status, Pixie Dust is a magical golden glitter-like powder that grants the abilities of flight and “happy feelings.” Today’s street value is about $9.86 an ounce. Just ask any Tinkerbell meth-head.

THE SHIZZLY GRARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A new cryptid, identified as half grizzly bear and half shark beast, is terrorizing the U.S. This mockumentary interviews several key witnesses and attack survivors before local filmmakers head into the monster’s prime stomping grounds in hopes of capturing it on video. Unfortunately, their bodies have yet to be discovered.”

Like Whalewolf, Sharktopus and Pteracuda, I’m down with these Dr. Moreau mash-ups. But c’mon — pay someone more than $1.50 to do your movie poster.

DAYLIGHT TO DARK / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A brother and sister are stranded in an isolated town filled with vampires and meet a cowboy vampire hunter who aims to slay them.”

Shouldn’t cowboy vampire hunters be cattle-driving vampire cows? The milk that comes out of those things is pure evil, more so when poured on Count Chocula™ cereal. You got that joke, right?