Cooking With Godzilla, Old West Amityville, Black Hole Moon

If you’re a Godzilla fan and eat food of all things, then you’re gonna want to get Godzilla: The Official Cookbook. Seems funny given that we’ve only seen Godzilla eat three things: Tokyo, Osaka and Fukuoka. (Just kidding; he was just playing with his food.) In reality, Godzilla only eats commuter trains, King Ghidorah heads and radioactive Mothra egg salad sandwiches. But then again, the Godzilla: The Official Cookbook is for we food-inclined humans and not the King of the Monsters.

From Godzilla.com™: “Prepare to unleash the culinary power of monster-sized flavors with Godzilla: The Official Cookbook. This officially licensed 160-page hardcover book features 60 fun, kaiju-themed food and drink recipes to suit all tastes and skill levels including the scrumptious Guaczilla, the delicious Gigan’s Wings and the awesome Mechagodzilla Head Cake. From fiery drinks that erupt with flavor to starters that capture the essence of destruction, each recipe is crafted for Godzilla fans. Whether you crave meaty creations or prefer flavor-packed vegetarian and vegan options, Godzilla: The Official Cookbook has something for every kaiju-loving palate.” This kitchen bible sells for $34.95 and ships November, 2024, right in time for Godzilla’s 70th anniversary. Click this if you’re hungry.

So while those of us with kaiju-sized appetites order this cookbook, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not turn your brain into Guaczilla…

AMP HOUSE MASSACRE / August 8, 2024 (VOD)

“A group of social media influencers sharing a mansion in the Hollywood Hills find themselves caught in a life and death game of survival as a killer reveals their deepest secrets before killing them off one by one.”

Therein lies the irony as social media influencers (i.e., digital dumbasses) usually post their deepest secrets online. Regardless, you already know who I’m rooting for.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN AMITYVILLE / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

Two relentless bounty hunters, driven by the promise of a hefty reward, track their elusive quarry to the freshly minted town of Amityville. However, as they step into its seemingly serene streets, an unsettling sense of dread takes hold. In this town, appearances are deceiving and a sinister force pulses beneath the facade of normalcy. The hunters soon find themselves ensnared in a nightmarish struggle for survival against a malevolent entity, a centuries-old demonic force that corrupts and annihilates all in its patch. What began as a simple chase now becomes a harrowing fight for their very lives and souls, as the confront an ancient evil that threatens to consume them.”

This makes 40 movies with the word Amityville in its title. Only one is worth watching — and it ain’t this.

LEMBAYUNG / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Two young women have strange experiences while undergoing practical field work at a dental clinic in a small hospital in Central Java.” 

Sounds like somebody’s been hittin’ the nitrous oxide. Stick with amide anesthetics, and afterward try rubber-lipping a milkshake through a straw. Can’t be done, but it’s really funny to watch. P.S. The title translates as Crimson. Boring.

SICCÎN 7 / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“a desperate family drawn into a dark ritual on a black moon.”

This is the seventh entry in the Turkish Siccîn franchise which began with Siccîn (2014). Didn’t see 1 through 6, so I have no idea what’s going on here. That pretty much describes my 1 through 6 week.