Permanently Haunted House, Killer Clowns, Virgin Sacrifice

Channel Zero: No-End House

If you were a loose bladdered fan of SyFy’s Channel Zero: Candle Cove (October 2016), be prepared to change your soiled britches once again as the next season, Channel Zero: No-End House is headed your way this October of 2017.

First, the premise: “A young woman named Margot Sleator visits the No-End House, a bizarre house of horrors that consists of a series of increasingly disturbing rooms. When she returns home, Margot realizes that everything has changed.”

Already feeling the urge to do a load. But the news of a follow-up season to the addictively creepy potboiler, Channel Zero: Candle Cove was goon-you-out ominous and had a tooth monster. (Wonder what kind of toothpaste it used? Those were some magnificent molars.)

Here’s what went down in the first one: “Children’s TV is usually wholesome entertainment that can be enjoyed by the whole family, but child psychologist Mike Painter thinks there’s one show in particular — Candle Cove — that might not have been so innocent. No one seems to remember the 1980s show except for Mike, and he has ever-growing suspicions that it might have played a role in a series of nightmarish events from his childhood, including the disappearance of his twin brother in the summer of 1988. When he returns home to investigate what happened all those years ago, Mike finds out that it — whatever it was — may be happening again.”

Watch it again, and while you’re rinsing out your delicates afterward, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll likely have you re-filling the washing machine…

The Domicile

THE DOMICILE (August, 2017/VOD)
Russel Brody, a one-time successful playwright, works diligently on a follow-up play that could land him back in the spotlight he so craves. With a baby on the way, however, and a strained marriage, stress and frustration take center stage. When his wife accidentally stumbles down the stairs and dies from her injuries, Brody’s mental state goes from bad to one of utter despair. In a bid to help his friend regain his sanity, Brody’s co-writer David Stanley suggests he revisits Lucy, his former mistress. The ghost of Brody’s dead wife awakens to the sordid details of his unfaithfulness, enraging her supernatural spirit to haunt him in every horrifying way imaginable.”

Geez, being nagged from the dead. This guy can’t catch a break — unless it was the break in the spine of the wife he pushed down the stairs. Accident, my b*tt.

Union Furnace

UNION FURNACE (August 15, 2017)
“Small-town crook Cody was at the end of his rope when a mysterious stranger offered him the chance of his life. There was just one catch — in this game, he would have to wager everything, including his life. Cody finds himself trapped amongst a band of outsiders and misfits — all fighting for their lives and a slice of the American dream. Fueled by a horde of masked sadists, Cody, and the others will win a fortune or die a brutal death.”

Kinda sounds like a discount version of Vegas. This one was released a year ago, but everybody blinked at the exact same time (what are the odds?) and missed it. Here’s your chance to unblink and take a look at this horror oddity.

Circus Kane

CIRCUS KANE (September 8, 2017)
“The notorious and disgraced circus master, Balthazar Kane, invites an unsuspecting group of social media stars to the revival of his Circus Kane by promising $250,000 to any of them who can make it through the night. Kane’s true plan quickly proves to be far more sinister as the contestants realize more than money is on the line. The group must fight for their lives to escape Kane’s demented house of horrors.”

Exact same premise — minus the KISS makeup, as The House on Haunted Hill (1959/1999). In 1959, the cash offered was $10,000. In 1999 it was $1,000,000. So for some clown to offer a measly $250,000 in 2017 is an insult to my wallet. I shall return the favor and not rent this plagiaristic — and low ball offer — horror movie. P.S. $10,000 in 1959 folding pocket change would havethe equivalent of  $83,540.48 in today’s spending bling.

Double Date

DOUBLE DATE (2017/2018)
“Jim, aided by his obnoxious but charming best friend Alex, on his quest to lose his virginity before he turns 30. The night before the big day they meet Kitty and Lulu, two beautiful sisters who seem determined to seduce them, but who secretly have another darker agenda for Jim’s birthday — virgin sacrifice.”

What a way to come and go. Heh.

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