Gamera Returns To Hammer Ya

Gamera

Gamera, the legendary giant fire-breathing turtle and Guardian of the Universe (heckuva résumé), turns 50 on November 27th, 2015. To commemorate a job shell done, Japan’s Kadokawa Pictures is releasing a new, special effects loaded movie, titled simply Gamera. For those of us who are lifelong fans of Gam-Gam, this is gleeful news.

Gamera

Intended to reboot the Gamera series (the last movie, Gamera the Brave, was released in 2006), this one will be the 13th such entry. Mind you, it only exists as a proof-of-concept trailer, which kicks mega ass, by the way. But if you’re gonna put that much effort and money into a sampler, you can wager your wages Gamera is forthcoming.

Gamera

The trailer picks up where Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris (1999) left off: hundreds of Gyaos (flying prehistoric vampire monsters) descending on yet another hapless Japanese city, swooping down and gulping down fleeing citizens as if munchie-maddened pelicans picking off screaming sardines caught in tide pools.

Gamera

Massive destruction everywhere, especially when Gamera shows up to j-block the Gyaos. Tired of their relentless B.S., Gamera unleashes a fireball so destructive, he actually wipes out the entire city. (Note to land developers: Gamera doesn’t care about real estate – his job is to defend, or “deep fry” Gyaos like prehistoric fish ’n chips.)

Gamera

Fast-forward 10 years – a new giant monster arrives to make a mega mess. It shoots sonic destructo-ball energy out of its orifices, which dissolves buildings/people. Once again, Gamera shows up to make the monster stop doing that. (Note to the Universe: Didn’t catch what they’re calling this new a-hole enemy, so I call dibbs on naming rights and bestow upon it the title of Shiri BakuhatsuDestroyer of Stuff. (That translates to “Butt Blaster.” I changed it from Japanese squiggle marks to letters you can understand.)

Gamera

Gamera is/was supposed to be released pretty much now. If they want to do this on his anniversary, it better happen quick. (Note to filmmakers: I’m available to do last minute heroic poses over smoking rubble.)

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