A Kaiju Reborn, Airborne Apes, Post-Puberty Exorcist

The Gods of All That Is Kaiju have FINALLY answered my last call prayers. Gamera, one of the greatest giant monsters ever in the history of ever (spinning Frisbee™ flight abilities, plasma flames blasting out of mouth AND butthole area, Osmond-sized teeth), is coming back after being in hibernation since 2006. Kadokawa Daiei Studio and Netflix™ just announced they’re working on a project called Gamera: Rebirth for 2023. After I post this blog, I’ll need to go swap out my under garments because, you know…

From Joblow.com: “A giant, fire-breathing, prehistoric turtle monster, Gamera was first introduced to audiences in the 1965 film Gamera, the Giant Monster, which begins with an atomic bomb waking him from a long slumber in the Arctic. Over the next six years, Gamera returned in Gamera vs. Barugon, Gamera vs. Gyaos, Gamera vs. Viras, Gamera vs. Guiron, Gamera vs. Jiger, and Gamera vs. Zigra. When the studio was struggling with financial issues in 1980, they cut together a bunch of stock footage Gamera: Super Monster. Gamera then took a fifteen year break before being brought back in a trilogy of films directed by Shusuke Kaneko. Those were Gamera: Guardian of the Universe, Gamera 2: Attack of Legion, and Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris. The most recent film was 2006’s Gamera the Brave.”

While we look for a time machine to transport us to the premier of Gamera: Rebirth’s exact day and time in 2023, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not taste as good as giant prehistoric turtle soup…

ALL EYES / Out now (VOD)

“Allen hosts a podcast about strange people and paranormal phenomena. One day, he gets fired from his job. He’s totally distraught, but soon enough, he comes across a case that just might revitalize his career. He’s contacted by a widowed farmer named Don who claims there’s a monster living in the woods near his house, so Allen travels to the man’s home to interview him and see him capture the beast.”

WTF?!? Monsters live in the woods? Dang — I live right next to some woods. This really upsets my stomach area. Sure, Bigfoot lives in there as well, but he’s not really a monster. He’s more of a Naturalist/organic hippie free spirit who just happens to occasionally scare the kale outta people.

CRYO / Out now (VOD)

“In an underground facility, five scientists wake from cryosleep with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep. They soon make a shocking realization: a killer is hunting them down there, and may even be hiding among them.”

Waking up with no memory of who they are or how long they’ve been asleep sounds like they had an epic night at the Tug Tavern instead of an underground facility.

GALE: STAY AWAY FROM OZ / Pending release 2022/2023

“Long gone are the days of emerald cities and yellow brick roads in this dark re-imagining of The Wizard of Oz. Dorothy Gale is now an elderly woman, broken by years of paranormal entanglement with a mystical realm, which has now echoed down to her only living relative, Emily, who is being called to settle unfinished business in this terrifying world of Oz.”

Hoping this one is as bloodthirsty and barbaric as the 1939 original. It better not have dork dancing and ear gouging song interludes, though. Crossing fingers for flying monkeys.

BLOOD FLOWER / Release pending 2023 (Shudder™)

“Iqbal, a 16-year-old apprentice faith healer and exorcist, is tormented by visions of the dead and spirits from other dimensions. When a malicious spirit begins to wreak havoc around him, Iqbal is forced to harness his supernatural gifts to save his family and friends.”

A 16-year-old exorcist/faith healer who can see the dead from other dimensions. At 16 I was a paperboy.

Gamera Returns To Hammer Ya

Gamera, the legendary giant fire-breathing turtle and Guardian of the Universe (heckuva résumé), turns 50 on November 27th, 2015. To commemorate a job shell done, Japan’s Kadokawa Pictures is releasing a new, special effects loaded movie, titled simply Gamera. For those of us who are lifelong fans of Gam-Gam, this is gleeful news.

Intended to reboot the Gamera series (the last movie, Gamera the Brave, was released in 2006), this one will be the 13th such entry. Mind you, it only exists as a proof-of-concept trailer, which kicks mega ass, by the way. But if you’re gonna put that much effort and money into a sampler, you can wager your wages Gamera is forthcoming.

The trailer picks up where Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris (1999) left off: hundreds of Gyaos (flying prehistoric vampire monsters) descending on yet another hapless Japanese city, swooping down and gulping down fleeing citizens as if munchie-maddened pelicans picking off screaming sardines caught in tide pools.

Massive destruction everywhere, especially when Gamera shows up to j-block the Gyaos. Tired of their relentless B.S., Gamera unleashes a fireball so destructive, he actually wipes out the entire city. (Note to land developers: Gamera doesn’t care about real estate – his job is to defend, or “deep fry” Gyaos like prehistoric fish ’n chips.)

Fast-forward 10 years – a new giant monster arrives to make a mega mess. It shoots sonic destructo-ball energy out of its orifices, which dissolves buildings/people. Once again, Gamera shows up to make the monster stop doing that. (Note to the Universe: Didn’t catch what they’re calling this new a-hole enemy, so I call dibbs on naming rights and bestow upon it the title of Shiri Bakuhatsu – Destroyer of Stuff. (That translates to “Butt Blaster.” I changed it from Japanese squiggle marks to letters you can understand.)

Gamera is/was supposed to be released pretty much now. If they want to do this on his anniversary, it better happen quick. (Note to filmmakers: I’m available to do last minute heroic poses over smoking rubble.)

Turtle vs. Tentacle

Gam Gam’s new foe in this one is Iris, a morphing gasoline-powered sharp thing with extra-long tentacles and a battle cry that sounds like Free Willy with menstrual cramps.

Making a boisterous comeback cameo are those pesky, carnivorous fruit flies Gyaos, with Gamera blasting ’em out of the sky with fireballs of righteousness. What’s cool is now he doesn’t give a crap about real estate or whiny Earth wieners, which he barbecues without shedding a single turtle tear.

While this is happening, some chick with a vendetta (Gamera inadvertently collateral damaged her parents in Attack of Legion/1996) discovers the monster baby Iris in a cave and establishes a mental link to execute her PMS revenge.

Iris grows to the size of the space shuttle and proceeds to raise shell with Gamera. The realistic destructo effects are dang awesome and thereby superific (my word, not Webster’s). You WILL believe full-scale office buildings are being knocked over as if they were mere balsa wood models. Don’t worry about following the plot as the movie is in some sort of weirdo language. (German, it is theorized.)

In the end, Gamera saves the chick that was gunning for him. (Geez, what’s he gonna do next – send her Christmas cards?) Still, Gamera III: Revenge of Iris (1999) is great fun for those of us who regard giant turtle movies as such. And I do.