Monster Boat, UFO Lyft, Shark Sham

It’s called Pangeos, a Kaiju-sized, solar-powered floating city that can hold 60,000 people and sail indefinitely around the world with no emissions. The same cannot be said for Gamera and/or Godzilla, as emissions or “radioactive bodily discharges,” are part of their weapons arsenal. With those kinds of stats, though, no one should get sticker shock at the vessel’s “eight years to build, $8 billion to make” price tag.

From Lazzarini Design Studio’s website, the designers behind this staggering monolithic concept: “Pangeos is named in honor of the Pangea super-continent that existed millions of years ago during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras.” I didn’t understand a word of that. But Lazzarini, whose name sounds like an expensive Italian cocktail garnished with a bread stick, says the colossal catamaran “is a mix between a five-star resort, a cruise ship and a city, and can accommodate as many as 60,000 guests via a combination of villas and apartments. Other highlights include a rooftop mall, sprawling gardens, several pools and a supersized beach club. Naturally, the yacht is fitted with helipads, hangars and marinas to store choppers, toys and tenders.” Naturally. 

The boat is obviously inspired by Pacific Rim’s (2013) Jaegers (gigantic humanoid mechas — “To beat monsters, we had to build monsters”). As such, the Gamera-shaped floating city that can hold tens of thousands of screaming citizens, is a next-level boat, referred to as a Teryacht, which could easily be a name of a new Godzilla foe (or “nemesis”). Heck, the gargantuan gondola is so big, it could host at least 100 Gyaos on Spring Break.

In rough seas, the next sound you’ll hear is 60,000 people throwing up in unison. So while we wait for Pangeos to be built, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need Dramamine™ to watch…

MISSING 411: THE UFO CONNECTION / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“In his third documentary, David Paulides reveals the first evidence documenting a link between UFOs and missing people.”

They’re not missing — they did a UFO ride-share to get off this toilet Earth. 

LULLABY / December 16, 2022 (VOD)

“A new mother discovers a lullaby in an ancient book and soon regards the song as a blessing. But her world transforms into a nightmare when the lullaby brings forth the ancient demon Lilith.”

All the really good lullabies are found in ancient books. That’s why they’re so in popular with new mothers. They get ‘em at ScaryMommy.com. Bet you didn’t know that’s a real website.

WATCHDOG / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After narrowly escaping an armed robbery, Travis Wilkes invites the drifter who saved him back to the isolated home where he and his girlfriend reside, not realizing that he’s opened the door to a night of terror and brutal revenge.”

You want a night of brutality and terror, open the door to the Tug Tavern.

SHARK TRAP / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Every summer, the little island town of Ocean Point stirs with new life and pleasure-seeking vacationists. A water park is opening against the wishes of the local islanders. Nefarious business dealings leave a dead body in the water — and it draws a shiver of sharks to the area. The amusement park becomes a feeding ground for a great white shark.”

I thought a feeding ground WAS an amusement park for a shark. Given the over-chewed plot, clearly this is a shark movie made by people who’ve never seen a shark movie.

Gamera Returns To Hammer Ya

Gamera, the legendary giant fire-breathing turtle and Guardian of the Universe (heckuva résumé), turns 50 on November 27th, 2015. To commemorate a job shell done, Japan’s Kadokawa Pictures is releasing a new, special effects loaded movie, titled simply Gamera. For those of us who are lifelong fans of Gam-Gam, this is gleeful news.

Intended to reboot the Gamera series (the last movie, Gamera the Brave, was released in 2006), this one will be the 13th such entry. Mind you, it only exists as a proof-of-concept trailer, which kicks mega ass, by the way. But if you’re gonna put that much effort and money into a sampler, you can wager your wages Gamera is forthcoming.

The trailer picks up where Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris (1999) left off: hundreds of Gyaos (flying prehistoric vampire monsters) descending on yet another hapless Japanese city, swooping down and gulping down fleeing citizens as if munchie-maddened pelicans picking off screaming sardines caught in tide pools.

Massive destruction everywhere, especially when Gamera shows up to j-block the Gyaos. Tired of their relentless B.S., Gamera unleashes a fireball so destructive, he actually wipes out the entire city. (Note to land developers: Gamera doesn’t care about real estate – his job is to defend, or “deep fry” Gyaos like prehistoric fish ’n chips.)

Fast-forward 10 years – a new giant monster arrives to make a mega mess. It shoots sonic destructo-ball energy out of its orifices, which dissolves buildings/people. Once again, Gamera shows up to make the monster stop doing that. (Note to the Universe: Didn’t catch what they’re calling this new a-hole enemy, so I call dibbs on naming rights and bestow upon it the title of Shiri Bakuhatsu – Destroyer of Stuff. (That translates to “Butt Blaster.” I changed it from Japanese squiggle marks to letters you can understand.)

Gamera is/was supposed to be released pretty much now. If they want to do this on his anniversary, it better happen quick. (Note to filmmakers: I’m available to do last minute heroic poses over smoking rubble.)

Less Than Hero

There’s a reason they waited 15 years to do another Gamera movie after 1980’s Gamera: Super Monster. It took that long for the worst Gamera movie ever made to be purged from our memory banks. But the thing is, I DON’T FORGET. At least when it comes to giant monster movies. So nice try, Japan. It’ll be a cold day in Kitakyushu before you can put one over on me.

Gamera: Super Monster isn’t really a stand alone movie, but rather a “greatest hits” muddled mess that relied on stock battle footage from all the other Gamera films to try and put one over on me. Zanon, an evil alien (aren’t they all?) arrives in our atmospheric zip code in a spaceship that looks suspiciously like the Imperial I-class Destroyer from Star Wars (1977). You hear his boom-y voice as he commands a Japanese (?) chick alien enlistee to enslave all of humanity. I think not; first they gotta get by Gamera, the giant turtle with reverse walrus tusks and fire that shoots out of every orifice.

Where this thing rolls over on its back and can’t get up is when the three Superwomen, also from space (but working in disguise at pet shops and driving around in a Scooby Doo™ type mystery van), do some choreographed kung-fu cheerleader moves and suddenly appear in costume to put a screeching halt to this enslavement hoo-haw.

One of the Superwomen befriends a small boy with really f’d up teeth (think Timmy from South Park) who has a psychic connection to Gamera, whom the overdubbed voices think is pronounced “guh-MARE-uh” instead of something that sounds like “camera.” She gives him an enslaved turtle from the pet store, not knowing little bugger is you-know-who.

Too much plot. Time to cram in stock footage of Gamera smack-smacking all his other foes: Gyaos (vampire pterodactyl with an anvil shaped head – an ongoing pain in Gamera’s protective shell), Jiger (fat ass dinosaur), Guiron (space reptile with a head shaped like a chef’s knife), Viras (giant space squid, who, when cooked properly, could be served with rice balls and any variety of noodles), Zigra (a flying shark with razor sharp dorsal fins designed to cut the gut of enemies and then feast on their guts), and Barugon, the lizard with the longest tongue ever. And he can fart rainbows. Not kidding, he really does.)

The Spacewomen don’t do much more than change their clothes every five minutes and hang around while the evil space woman tries to get the other monsters to make turtle soup out of Gamera so Zanon can assume the position. Then there’s the painfully prolonged scene where she and the f’d up tooth boy transport to the beach to watch the monsters piledrive each other (cut to the stock footage), with no one else in the city even noticing the kaiju are even there.

The previous seven Gamera movies – known as the Shōwa series – are camp classics, mostly made for kids, but highly entertaining to adults when augmented by some Sapporo tall boys. Note: There was supposed to be Gamera vs. Garasharp in 1972, but the movie studio went bankrupt and they sold everything to Tokuma Shoten, who promptly lifted his kimono and squeezed out the mega-turd Gamera: Super Monster. Okay, uncalled for stereotyping; He probably wore Dockers™.)

Now that I think about it, they missed the boat here; a sure fire hit would’ve been to make a movie called Gamera vs. Mega-Turd. Then, as a sequel, they could’ve followed up with Gamera vs. Mecha-Turd. I have a script ready if Japan is interested in reclaiming their pop film culture heritage.

Final note: If Gamera: Super Monster didn’t make you give up on giant turtles altogether, I beseech you to check out the three in the Heisei series: Gamera: Guardian of the Universe (1995), Gamera 2: Advent of Legion (1996 – arguably one of the best giant monster movies ever made) and Gamera 3: Awakening of Irys (1999). What followed is a prequel of sorts for the Millennium series called Gamera the Brave (2006). Extraordinarily dumb, at least Gamera, as a teenager, fights Zedus, a fairly gnarly kaiju who beats the sea water out of Gamera to the point you want the ref to stop the match. I’m big into Gamera (love you, mean it), but I got a lot of satisfaction watching the beatdown. I’m a sick dude.

Return of the Giant Monsters

Man, I wish people would pick a lane and drive in it. Case in point: Gamera vs. Gyaos, a raucous 1967 Japanese sci-fi monster mash, has Gamera’s fruit fly foe as being named “Gyaos” and “Gaos” on different marketing materials. Aieeee! And to make matters more convoluted, the U.S. version is titled Return of the Giant Monsters, all of which causes me sleepless nights. I don’t have a clue as to why it bothers me so much, it just does.

Anyway, Gamera Vs. Gyaos is more for kids than someone who may or may not drink a LOT of beer, and has just about everything a fan of giant Japanese monsters could ever want.

Mt. Fuji has erupted again, this time awakening Gyaos, a “special needs” prehistoric vampire reptile bird that eats humans and emits a supersonic frequency that can slice through other giant monsters like a hot knife through tofu. (Excellent run-on sentence!)

This causes hell on Earth for a super freeway project slated to plow through a nearby village of people (village people, heh) who can’t decide if it’s cool to give up their ancestor’s land so everyone can get to the store faster, or sell out and become as rich as Samurais (their words, not mine).

Enter Gamera (giant turtle that flies ‘n farts flames, in case it slipped your mind), even though no one in the movie knows how to correctly pronounce his name. Rescuing a little kid instead of dispensing some super-sized ass smack, Gamera leaks first blood via Gyaos’ lethal frequency. Turns out Gyaos has two throats, which acts like a tuning fork. (Good thing it’s not a female Gyaos – then it would never shut up. OK, that was uncalled for, ladies. I respect your boobs ’n stuff.)

Gamera retreats back to the ocean to heal after his arm is almost cut off by the animated-but-deadly frequency. This forces the humans to take matters into their own hands. And what an ingenious plan they have. Using hundreds of gallons of synthetic human blood, they lure Gyaos to the top of that building that has a spinning roof. While he drinks it, they turn on the spin-y building roof and make Gyaos all dizzy so he can’t fly back to his cave before being burned by the sun when it rises in three f’n minutes.

The scene of Gyaos going around and around like a 33 1/3rpm record album being played on 45rpm is one of giant monster movie’s greatest moments. If that was me on that “turntable,” I’d mega puke big time.

The other scenes of G&G locking it up (Gamera even bites several toes off Gyaos, but they grow back) are the stuff drug dreams are made of. But don’t do drugs as they’re not cool for you. Stick to canned beer or prescription glue and see how giant monsters used to settle their differences back in the ’60s.

Turtle vs. Tentacle

Gam Gam’s new foe in this one is Iris, a morphing gasoline-powered sharp thing with extra-long tentacles and a battle cry that sounds like Free Willy with menstrual cramps.

Making a boisterous comeback cameo are those pesky, carnivorous fruit flies Gyaos, with Gamera blasting ’em out of the sky with fireballs of righteousness. What’s cool is now he doesn’t give a crap about real estate or whiny Earth wieners, which he barbecues without shedding a single turtle tear.

While this is happening, some chick with a vendetta (Gamera inadvertently collateral damaged her parents in Attack of Legion/1996) discovers the monster baby Iris in a cave and establishes a mental link to execute her PMS revenge.

Iris grows to the size of the space shuttle and proceeds to raise shell with Gamera. The realistic destructo effects are dang awesome and thereby superific (my word, not Webster’s). You WILL believe full-scale office buildings are being knocked over as if they were mere balsa wood models. Don’t worry about following the plot as the movie is in some sort of weirdo language. (German, it is theorized.)

In the end, Gamera saves the chick that was gunning for him. (Geez, what’s he gonna do next – send her Christmas cards?) Still, Gamera III: Revenge of Iris (1999) is great fun for those of us who regard giant turtle movies as such. And I do.