Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
“Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

The Clutches of Evil

Ever have the burning pee itch to see a lurid foreign horror movie that doesn’t skimp on the old school gore? Of course you do. Then you might wanna check out the Italian schlocker Evil Clutch (aka, Il bosco 1/1988), a bizarrely weird, yawn-worthy boring, yet oddly mesmerizing rip-off of The Evil Dead (1981). That said, it still doesn’t quite come close to describing whatever Evil Clutch actually is.

A loud mouth American chick. A Italian dude with low standards. Both are traveling the countryside in search of a place to do it outdoors. They stop to pick up a frantic gal with foofed up hair who’s “traumatized” by someone/something stalking her, the irony being she’s the evil thingamajig. (You actually get to see her in the opening sequence that has her sporting vampire fangs and a pinch-y claw that shoots out of her money-maker and snaps down on previously willing male horn dogs.

She eventually runs off, only for the couple to encounter an old guy on a motorbike who had trachea surgery and speaks through a robo talk box. He proceeds to lead the couple through stairways and back roads, only to tell them disgusting stories. Sounds like my neighbor.

What follows is a test of patience. Endless walking around village ruins. Complaining. More walking. More talking. Then finally, with no real reason, rotting/dripping zombies appear and pursue said couple around the ruins some more.

The boyfriend becomes infected, so his head needs to chopped off. Then there’s the Evil Dead point-of-view “presence” in the woods that comes out and follows the now single woman for about two miles, all the while crying/screamin/complaining. And the vampire chick? Yep, still has that articulated claw thing between her legs, and can make her eyeballs expand to the size of ping pong balls – evil ping pong balls.

Go ahead and watch Evil Clutch (it’s on YouTube™) – just keep your claw on the fast-forward button.

Gamera Returns To Hammer Ya

Gamera, the legendary giant fire-breathing turtle and Guardian of the Universe (heckuva résumé), turns 50 on November 27th, 2015. To commemorate a job shell done, Japan’s Kadokawa Pictures is releasing a new, special effects loaded movie, titled simply Gamera. For those of us who are lifelong fans of Gam-Gam, this is gleeful news.

Intended to reboot the Gamera series (the last movie, Gamera the Brave, was released in 2006), this one will be the 13th such entry. Mind you, it only exists as a proof-of-concept trailer, which kicks mega ass, by the way. But if you’re gonna put that much effort and money into a sampler, you can wager your wages Gamera is forthcoming.

The trailer picks up where Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris (1999) left off: hundreds of Gyaos (flying prehistoric vampire monsters) descending on yet another hapless Japanese city, swooping down and gulping down fleeing citizens as if munchie-maddened pelicans picking off screaming sardines caught in tide pools.

Massive destruction everywhere, especially when Gamera shows up to j-block the Gyaos. Tired of their relentless B.S., Gamera unleashes a fireball so destructive, he actually wipes out the entire city. (Note to land developers: Gamera doesn’t care about real estate – his job is to defend, or “deep fry” Gyaos like prehistoric fish ’n chips.)

Fast-forward 10 years – a new giant monster arrives to make a mega mess. It shoots sonic destructo-ball energy out of its orifices, which dissolves buildings/people. Once again, Gamera shows up to make the monster stop doing that. (Note to the Universe: Didn’t catch what they’re calling this new a-hole enemy, so I call dibbs on naming rights and bestow upon it the title of Shiri Bakuhatsu – Destroyer of Stuff. (That translates to “Butt Blaster.” I changed it from Japanese squiggle marks to letters you can understand.)

Gamera is/was supposed to be released pretty much now. If they want to do this on his anniversary, it better happen quick. (Note to filmmakers: I’m available to do last minute heroic poses over smoking rubble.)

Return of the Giant Monsters

Man, I wish people would pick a lane and drive in it. Case in point: Gamera vs. Gyaos, a raucous 1967 Japanese sci-fi monster mash, has Gamera’s fruit fly foe as being named “Gyaos” and “Gaos” on different marketing materials. Aieeee! And to make matters more convoluted, the U.S. version is titled Return of the Giant Monsters, all of which causes me sleepless nights. I don’t have a clue as to why it bothers me so much, it just does.

Anyway, Gamera Vs. Gyaos is more for kids than someone who may or may not drink a LOT of beer, and has just about everything a fan of giant Japanese monsters could ever want.

Mt. Fuji has erupted again, this time awakening Gyaos, a “special needs” prehistoric vampire reptile bird that eats humans and emits a supersonic frequency that can slice through other giant monsters like a hot knife through tofu. (Excellent run-on sentence!)

This causes hell on Earth for a super freeway project slated to plow through a nearby village of people (village people, heh) who can’t decide if it’s cool to give up their ancestor’s land so everyone can get to the store faster, or sell out and become as rich as Samurais (their words, not mine).

Enter Gamera (giant turtle that flies ‘n farts flames, in case it slipped your mind), even though no one in the movie knows how to correctly pronounce his name. Rescuing a little kid instead of dispensing some super-sized ass smack, Gamera leaks first blood via Gyaos’ lethal frequency. Turns out Gyaos has two throats, which acts like a tuning fork. (Good thing it’s not a female Gyaos – then it would never shut up. OK, that was uncalled for, ladies. I respect your boobs ’n stuff.)

Gamera retreats back to the ocean to heal after his arm is almost cut off by the animated-but-deadly frequency. This forces the humans to take matters into their own hands. And what an ingenious plan they have. Using hundreds of gallons of synthetic human blood, they lure Gyaos to the top of that building that has a spinning roof. While he drinks it, they turn on the spin-y building roof and make Gyaos all dizzy so he can’t fly back to his cave before being burned by the sun when it rises in three f’n minutes.

The scene of Gyaos going around and around like a 33 1/3rpm record album being played on 45rpm is one of giant monster movie’s greatest moments. If that was me on that “turntable,” I’d mega puke big time.

The other scenes of G&G locking it up (Gamera even bites several toes off Gyaos, but they grow back) are the stuff drug dreams are made of. But don’t do drugs as they’re not cool for you. Stick to canned beer or prescription glue and see how giant monsters used to settle their differences back in the ’60s.

Goth Airlines

Satan death metal thrash Goth rocker Slade Craven is performing a concert – in the cargo hold aboard a 747 commercial flying machine. This means the cockpit is now the mosh pit. The first-ever airborne heavy metal gig is also being simulcast on the Internet, or “world wide web.”

Shortly after take-off the show begins, with Craven looking like a cross between Marilyn Manson and that white-faced vampire thing in Subspecies (1991). In the background, a law-pursued hacker manages to hack his way into the web TV’s mainframe to watch the concert for free. (I totally bet it was my neighbor.)

During the show something goes wrong besides the concept; Craven shoots the pilot – and personal baggage is NOT stored safely in the overhead compartment. Seems an imposter Craven – a real devil-worshipper – is hijacking the plane with the plan to crash it into a specific church in Kansas, reputed to be the gateway to Hell, thereby letting out all the stink demons. (No wonder Dorothy wanted out of that town so bad.)

The hacker sees all of this on his screen, as does the FBI, and the race is on to save a plane load of really stupid-looking Goth rocker fans from a fate they deserve for dressing so stupid.

Wild twists and cool shifts in plotting turn this preposterous premise into a real headbanger. At the very least, no one can accuse Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001) of being clichéd. FYI: The ending is worth three times the DVD rental. I won’t spoil it so as to not ruin your heavy metal dreams. And hey, death metal songs to sing along with!