Vampires and Octopuses
A smattering of new horror movies to fulfill your innermost dreams and desires. Note: Smattering means “a small amount of something.” Use this knowledge wisely.
12 DEADLY DAYS (December 12, 2016)
“YouTube™ and Blumhouse Television™ are partnering on a new half hour horror-comedy series called 12 Deadly Days, which is set in the cursed town of Saturn during the twelve days leading up to Christmas.”
Save your bitcoins — this one’s free to view on YouTube™, the world’s video landfill. And if you’re wondering where the town of Saturn is, it’s just down the road from Uranus. Man, that joke never gets old.
CITY OF DEAD MEN (December 16, 2016)
“An American tourist arrives in Colombia, where he discovers he’s run completely out of money. Desperate for a quick fix to the problem, he meets a young girl, who introduces him to a group of misfits and their mysterious leader, who live in an abandoned psychiatric hospital. At first accepting their friendship and shelter, it soon becomes clear something terrible happened in the hospital. The group living there now only feel immortal, pulling Michael into a dangerous dynamic that might kill him.”
Guess if I ran out of money I’d shack up in and abandoned psychiatric hospital, too. There’s worse things in the world — like people using abandoned psychiatric hospital toilets that don’t flush.
THE BYE BYE MAN (January 13, 2017)
“Set in 1990s Wisconsin, three college students move into an old, off-campus house where they find themselves preyed on by a malevolent supernatural entity called The Bye Bye Man. They must find a way to save themselves while keeping the whole thing secret to protect anyone else from becoming the entity’s next victim.”
Geez, all they have to do is move out of the house. College students are so dumb.
THE CREATURE BELOW (February 28, 2017)
“During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and more malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.”
Eldritch horror. Sounds like the monster is a Kraken. Wikipedia™ says Kraken is the German word for octopus. Google Translate™ says it’s Tintenfisch. I don’t know which digital overlord to believe, so I’ll just go with human-eating multi-legged creature. A bit wordy, but it gets to the point.
THE NIGHT WATCHMEN (2017)
“Three inept night watchmen, aided by a young rookie and a fearless tabloid journalist, fight an epic battle to save their lives. A mistaken warehouse delivery unleashes a horde of hungry vampires, and these unlikely heroes must not only save themselves but also stop the scourge that threatens to take over the city of Baltimore.”
Vampires in Baltimore. Fine. Just keep ‘em out of my town. Don’t need anymore of those pesky things moving in to the neighborhood. Werewolves are okay, though. Just as long as they keep a Pooper Scooper™ handy.