Head Shrinkage, Mom & Pop Werewolf, Grinning Gore

Were you blissfully unaware that a shrunken head is a severed and specially-prepared human head — often decreased to many times smaller than typical size — that’s used for trophy, ritual, trade, or other purposes? I can only imagine what the “other purposes” are. But the Tug Tavern will accept shrunken heads as trade-for-value 32 oz. cans of delicately chilled King Cobra Malt Liquor™. If the Tug’s special offer doesn’t shrink (or expand) your head, you can always order a custom version at Stark Raving Mad Studio™. Now you don’t have to go all the way to Ecuador, Peru or a psychiatrist to get one.

From Stark Raving Mad’s™ Etsy™ store: “Custom Realistic Shrunken Head Replica! Have your own head shrunk or your ex-wife, neighbor, favorite politician to a Jivaro Tsantsa. Feathers, ropes, spikes? It’s up to you. Complete with eyelashes, eyebrows, and nose hairs (for the extra gruesome) you can also add facial hair (beard, mustache, goatee). Every head is unique and shockingly realistic.” The cost? A wallet-shrinking $475.00. Click this if having a small head somehow appeals to you.

So while a few of us might fancy having an ex-wife shrunken head on the nightstand — or on a stick in the front yard — here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not get inside your small/large head…

THE BEAST WITHIN July 26, 2024 (Limited Theaters)

“After a series of strange events leads her to question her family’s isolated life on a fortified compound deep in the English wilds, 10-year-old Willow follows her parents on one of their secret late-night treks to the heart of the ancient forest. But upon witnessing her father undergo a terrible transformation, she too becomes ensnared by the dark ancestral secret they’ve tried so desperately to conceal.”

So mom and dad are werewolves. So now their daughter is becoming a werewolf. So what? Where’s the plot, the gut-ripping, and more importantly, the latest hair grooming techniques? Some people just don’t know how to make werewolf movies. 

THE FRONT ROOM / September 6, 2024 (Theaters)

“A young, newly pregnant couple are forced to take in an ailing stepmother who has long been estranged from the family.”

So what if the stepmom is sick, evil and/or a psycho? Uou now have a built-in babysitter in case of a heavy metal vomit party, a Destruction Derby and/or WWE™ comes to town.

SMILE 2 / October 2, 2024 (Theaters)

“About to embark on a new world tour, global pop sensation Skye Riley begins experiencing increasingly terrifying and inexplicable events. Overwhelmed by the escalating horrors and the pressures of fame, Skye is forced to face her dark past to regain control of her life before it spirals out of control.”

This frames the first movie’s (2022) brilliant premise with the above female pop star plagued by an eerie entity that causes its victims to start their grinnin’ and drop their linen before some glorious die/kill/bleed. That said, putting an end to vapid pop music would put a smile on anyone’s possessed pucker.

DELICATE ARCH / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Grant, Wilda, Cody, and Ferg are all college students in Salt Lake City. Fleeing an atmospheric disaster known as ‘The Inversion’, the group goes camping in Southern Utah’s Arches National Park. As Grant’s obsessive voyeurism escalates on-site, he begins to sense a malevolent, imperceptible force encroaching on them. What is it? An ancient Lovecraftian evil? An extraterrestrial manipulation? A nuclear experiment gone wrong? Zombies? Or perhaps…something even weirder?

I’m hoping it’s all of the above, like a fully loaded waffle buffet with napkin privileges…in case things get crazy.