Vampire Deterrent, Wall People, UFO Agents

In Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992), a Valley Girl cheerleader-turned-vampire hunter used a wooden stake to take out California vampires. (Not sure why vampires would want to live in a state that has an annual average of 186 days of sunshine). She also vanquished them with heightened agility, senses, endurance and a snarky tongue. But mostly a wooden stake. But thanks to Rag N Bone Emporium™, you can upgrade your chest chisel with an actual Vampire Killing Kit, complete with all things necessary to put down those pesky life-suckers, whether you live in California or not.

From Rag N Bone Emporium’s™ website: “We have you covered with our 19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit, which comes with everything you could possibly need to repel creatures that go bump in the night. The kit contains a full-sized replica of a candle, a crucifix, a stake, a dagger, a prayer book, and small vials of various herbal and chemical concoctions. With this in your possession, you don’t have to wait until sunlight to kill those fanged fiends.” Given the exponential rate vampires are proliferating these days, you need this kit, which sells between $151 – $300. Skip the cheaper version — buy it nice, or buy it twice. Do that here.

So while we all throw out our usual tools for killing vampires — McCormick™ Garlic Powder, a crucifix made of mom’s silverware taped together and a squirt gun full of blessed asparagus pee (that’ll take down anyone, vampire or not), here are a few out now horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not leave you craving a stake dinner… 

THE PEOPLE IN THE WALLS / Out now (VOD)

“Rachel is introduced to a viral craze of allowing people who living the walls out into the world. This ends up badly and when her parents don’t believe her two kids from her school do as they attempt to fight back against these creatures.”

This was rumored to have come out in 202, but it’s just now available on VOD. It also follows Boy In The Walls (2023) and The Woman In the Wall TV series (2023-2024). With People Under The Stairs (1991) the place is getting a bit crowded. Best to get up early if you want get some bathroom time.

THE GIRL WHO CRIED HER EYES OUT / Out now (VOD)

“When a group of friends sneak into a state park for a night of drinking and partying, a cruel dare brings Maddie face to face with the disturbed spirit of young Caroline Woodman, the forest’s legendary ‘Girl Who Cried Her Eyes Out.’ None are safe as one by one they suffer the wrath of Caroline’s vengeance. Time is running out, and the bodies are piling up. How do they stop a 300 year old spirit that cannot be killed?”

These kinds of “horror” movies are easy to make, just like cookies. Just follow the 100 exact same recipes that came before it.

ALIEN FILES: THE MEN IN BLACK / Out now (VOD)

“The Men in Black phenomenon is just as mysterious as the UFOs themselves. Explore the enigmatic shadow world of MIBs and the darker dimensions of ufology.”

Men in Black are those government A-hole agents dressed in black suits, going around harassing UFO witnesses to keep them from blabbing about what they saw. If I saw a UFO and some Men in Black came to my house, I’d go, “Nice threads!” and then slam the door in their stooge faces. You’d probably never hear from me again after that, but man, that’d be funny.

THE CIGARETTE / out now (VOD)

“Deadly laced cigarettes cause chaos and death in New York City.”

Pffft! Cigarettes have been doing that to people since 5000 BC. (The first cigarette commercial featured a Woolly Mammoth puffin’ on an unfiltered butt while gazing at a pristine Montana-esque landscape from atop a glacier.) That said, the Tobacco Industry doesn’t have a good business model — it’s product eventually kills its most loyal customers.