Evil Hand, Lone Star Sharks, Ghost Kids

The Hand of Glory is so called when the hand of a hanged man is dried and pickled, dipped in wax made from the fat of the corpse and made into a candle. Okay, ick. And it has to be the left hand as the word “left” denotes “unlucky” or “evil”. Also, if you were presented the Hand of Glory, it would render you immobile. This could have dire ramifications depending on which hand you use in the shower/peep show booth. But thanks to Dark Horse Direct™, you can own the super icky Hellboy Hand of Glory candle to use in the shower and/or peep show booth, which I’ve heard can be pretty dark. Ahem.

From Darkhorsedirect.com™: “Inspired by the Hand of Glory candle which first appeared in Hellboy: Box Full of Evil #1 (1999), this handmade Hand of Glory Candle has been expertly molded based on the art of Mike Mignola. Made from 100% natural paraffin wax in the true-to-comics blue/gray color and includes five separate wicks, this candle will bring light and magic to any setting for approximately six hours of burn time. Hanged-man ingredients not included.” 

As icky cool as this candle is, it’ll set you back $59.99 (pre-tax/shipping). For that price it should at least be a scented candle, something along the lines of vanilla, cinnamon or putrid corpse. Click this to preorder for an expected shipping date of September — November, 2024.

So while we all dip our own evil hand in wax and make it into a candle for pennies on the dollar, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not light the darkness in your life/peep show booth… 

HERETIC / NOVEMBER 5, 2024 (Theaters, VOD)

“When two Mormon missionaries attempt to convert a man, it turns out to be far more dangerous than they could have anticipated.”

And this is why organized religion is dangerous.

GRIZZLY NIGHT / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A novice female ranger finds her voice as a leader while Glacier National Park is besieged by two grizzly bear attacks on the same night in 1967. Based on a true story in a National Park in 1967 — due in part to careless management by the Park Service, which caused a complete overhaul of the entire National Parks system regarding safety.”

I’ve had a few grizzly nights…at the Tug Tavern. And they’re based on true stories. For a similarly named movie, try Night of the Grizzly (1966).

BULL SHARK 3 / release pending 2024 (VOD)

“The finale to the Bull Shark trilogy as a family of Bull sharks faces off against a small Texas lake community.”

If everybody drank cases of Lone Star™ and break the seal in said lake, problem solved. You’d think people from Texas would’ve figured this out.

SCARED TO DEATH / Release pending 2024 (Theaters, VOD)

“While working as a production assistant, a young opportunistic filmmaker seizes his chance to be a ‘real’ director when he suggests to his boss that the crew and actors in their upcoming horror film attend a real séance in an old haunted house for research. They choose an abandoned children’s shelter that’s been closed for 70 years since the mysterious murders of five children in 1942. Once the séance begins, they find themselves trapped inside the house and haunted by the children…and something possibly worse.”

What can be worse than children? Absolutely nothing.