Bat Cars, Dumb Aliens, Horror Mouse vs. Horror Bear

In Justice League (2017/2021), billionaire Bruce Wayne (aka, Batman — DO NOT tell anyone, especially criminals) was seen picking up Barry Allen (aka, The Flash — GO AHEAD and tell everyone, especially criminals) in a Mercedes-Benz AMG Vision Gran Turismo™. They come in silver and other colors that wouldn’t strike fear in the hearts of the criminally-intent. The cost? $1.5 million bat-dollars. And that doesn’t cover the tabs. Bus change for a billionaire.

Now, thanks to the Automobili Pininfarina™ Collection, you can get one or all four newly-designed Bruce Wayne luxury vehicles for $3,644,541.00 up to $5,252,427.00. Models include: Battista Dark Knight™, Battista Gotham™, B95 Dark Knight™ and B95 Gotham™. Click this to purchase with money you can only dream about. (When I finally get F*ck You wealth, I’m buy two of each.)

From the BruceWayneX.com website: “Indulge in the purest essence of mobile artistry as we share an exquisite collection of sustainable land, air and sea vessels. Limited editions designed with the refinement of Mr. Wayne and his vision for the future of mobility on our planet.” And here’s the description of the B95 Dark Knight™ convertible: “With its ceramic-polished rims that gleam like stars against the pitch-black bodywork, and black and gold duo-tone stitching on the leather interior, the B95 Dark Knight™ is a beacon of breathtaking performance and unparalleled creativity.” They had me at “rims that gleam.”

So while we all visit BruceWayneX.com and window shop, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need a jump-start…

LUMINA / July 12, 2024 (Select theaters)

“Four friends desperately searching for their abductee friend in a DUMB (Deep Underground Military Base). After being hunted by alien menaces, tracked by the government, and chased by lights in the sky, they quickly realize that they have gotten themselves in too deep.”

They got the DUMB part right. Everything else, though, seems DULL (Disinterested Until Lots of Liquor).

GRAVEYARD SHARK / July 19, 2024 (DVD, Blu-ray, VHS)

“A humanoid creature stalks its prey in the town graveyard, striking unexpectedly and leaving a trail of blood in its wake. Abby Wescott, a renowned cryptid hunter, is called in by Dr. Jan Lovnik to uncover the truth behind the urban legend. As Abby begins her investigation, she learns about the creature’s dark origins from Captain Issac Seyburn, who was present on the night the legend began. Together, Abby and Seyburn team up with a group of Graveyard Shark survivors to put an end to the creature once and for all. But as they journey deeper into the graveyard, they realize that the Graveyard Shark may be more intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. As the body count rises and the stakes become higher, Abby and her team must confront their deepest fears and fight to survive against the deadly Graveyard Shark.”

More intelligent and cunning than they could have imagined. I’ll say — by making people dead in a cemetery, Graveyard Shark simply eliminates the middle man. We could all learn something or two from GS’s business model.

PANDEMIC SEX PARTY / Release pending 2024/205 (VOD)

“In the not-so-distant future, AI has taken over the majority of the job market, and the primary source of income for young people is that of a social media influencer or online model. Being on the verge of another pandemic, Sasha, a young video game streamer, heads off into the desert for the weekend to make ‘content’ with her online model friends: Tanya, Cash, Dream and her younger sister, Cherry. Once arriving at the rental house dubbed, The Funny Ranch, the group slowly begins to realize things aren’t exactly as they seem. They are soon met by The Rancher, a masked killer who has a vendetta against the newly-changing world, online influencers and online models alike.”

We’re still trying to forget the word “pandemic”, so they should remove that from the title and just call the movie Sex Party. That would guarantee a slightly bigger audience.

MVW: MICKEY VS. WINNIE / Release pending 2024/2025 (VOD)

“In the 1920s, two convicts escape into a cursed forest only to be dragged and consumed into the depths of the dark forest’s muddy heart. A century later, a group of thrill-seeking friends unknowingly venture into the same woods. Their Airbnb™ getaway takes a horrifying turn when the convicts mutate into twisted versions of childhood icons Mickey Mouse and Winnie-The-Pooh, and emerge to terrorize them. A night of violence and gore erupts, as the group of friends battle against their now monstrous beloved childhood characters and fight to break free from the forest’s grip.”

Welcome to unflushed toilet of Public Domain.