Shopping Maul, Presidential UFOs, Space-Trippin’

As one of those “unplug your brain” horror cash-ins, 1986’s Chopping Mall is an admitted guilty pleasure. In this movie, “a group of young shopping mall employees stay behind for a late night party in one of the stores. When the mall goes on lock-down before they can get out, the robot security system malfunctions, and goes on a killing spree.” What’s not to like? And now we can read the gory details with the November 2024 novelization of Chopping Mall. Warning: You’ll need to know how to read for this to work.

From the book’s press release: “The 138-page adaptation is written by Brian G. Berry (The Barn: The Novelization) and based on the screenplay for the 1986 cult classic by Jim Wynorski and Steve Mitchell. High tech robots equipped with state-of-the-art security devices have been recruited as the new mechanical ‘night watchmen’ for Park Plaza Mall. When a jolting bolt of lightning short circuits the main computer control, the robots turn into ‘killbots’ on the loose after unsuspecting shoppers! Four couples are trying to make it after hours in a mattress store. They make it alright — in the morgue!”

Chopping Mall: The Novelization, arrives November 19, 2024, published in paperback, mass market paperback and e-book. That was almost to the day 38 years ago Chopping Mall premiered on November 14, 1986. The clock on my digital waffle iron confirms this. Click this to preorder the book.

So while those of who can’t read, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not feature teen-extinguishing killbots…OR waffles…

ALIENS UNCOVERED: MARILYN MONROE EXPOSED / May 7, 2024 (DVD, VOD)

“As tensions continue to spike between the United States and the Soviet Union, UFO sightings and the actions involved begin to take a turn. With abductions and other variations of close encounters, did the President attempt to disclose that information in an unorthodox way, trying to warn humanity of what was to come?”

The President disclosing info in an unorthodox is in references to John F. Kennedy, who, back in his living days (until 1963), allegedly had an affair with icon supermodel/actress Marilyn Monroe and pillow talked about all the aliens coming to Earth to vote Democrat. Republican conspiracy theorists with no life insist the cause of Monroe’s non-living was the FBI silencing her to keep pillow talk about visiting aliens a secret. Or maybe aliens did it. Both theories are plausible.

SHE IS CONANN / May 7, 2024 (VOD)

“A barbaric fantasy sci-fi trip through time where sword-and-sorcery mythology is bent, fractured, and gender-swapped. Six lives, six eras, and six deaths mark Conann’s poetic journey through different incarnations and lesbian loves. Guiding Conann through her many epic lives is Rainer, a Cerberus of many otherworldly dimensions whose paparazzi camera sees all. A moving portrait of a warrior trying to find her place while outside of space, time, and meaning.”

If I was a warrior trying to find my place outside of space, time and meaning, I’d go to the Tug Tavern, order a chilled carafe of Budweiser™, eat one of their freshness-expired $1.99 mind-altering pickled eggs, strap in…and go for the ride. 

TRAP / August 9, 2024 (Theaters)

“A father and teen daughter attend a pop concert, where they realize they’re at the center of a dark and sinister event.”

Dear god no — it’s Mumford & Sons concert!

ALIEN AI: ABDUCTED / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“A pair of siblings travel to a cabin once owned by their now-missing mother in the hopes of solving her strange disappearance.”

According to the movie’s title, mom was abducted by aliens. Problem solved.