Robo Vampire

Robo Vampire (1988) is part of those Eastern Horror series that packages previously low-budget kung-fu monster schlock into something twice that. Pretty clever – I went out and bought the darned thing based on the cover alone. Some days my star doesn’t shine that bright.

The movie’s title throws you under the bus – you have a Robo Cop (cool idea – wish someone would’ve thought of that before) and a vampire doing battle. So you can see why Robo Vampire is so confusing, and by virtue thereof, upsetting.

Killed in the line of duty, a narcotics agent is given an extension cord on life as the by-product of an experimental experiment that turns him into an Androibot – half androi/half bot. Making clanking foot steps (even on sand), this metallic law enforcer goes after a gang of drug dealers who use vampires to smuggle heroin (a drug that looks suspiciously like rice flour).

As a back-up precaution a wizard hired by the drug lords has a super vampire in his employ that looks like a gorilla wearing a kimono. This doesn’t sit all too well with the super vampire’s fiancee, a witch ghost.

Scheduled to be married prior to intolerant parents killing them both, Peter (super vampire) and Christine (witch ghost) agree to obey the wizard’s commands if he’ll perform an unholy marriage ceremony.

While this wrongness is going on, Androibot has his hands full, shooting drug dealers in the skin. All this, of course, leads up to the big kung fu showdown between Androibot, Peter and Christine.

Japanese vampires – even ones that look like gorillas – can’t walk, so they hop all over the place. Androibot is clumsy, but at least he has an endless armament of bottle rockets shooting out from his stylish kimono sleeves.

Christine flashes her boobs and levitates, but she’s pretty much in the way. A hard-fought battle ensues and when the dust clears only Androibot and a few drug dealers not yet shot in the skin are left standing.

This sounds suspiciously like a script I wrote after doing some lines of rice flour.