Jersey Shore Shark Attack

Just when you thought shark movies were safe to watch again, now comes Jersey Shore Shark Attack, mixing truth with TV reality. Too bad it’s a comedy.

In order for a shark movie to work you need a bunch of tools just begging to be chomped on. In Jersey Shore Shark Attack, you get that in the form of a bunch of self-obsessed knockoffs of the Jersey Shore reality show (i.e., tools begging to be chomped).

The plot, if you could call it that: “Many years ago, hundreds of locals and tourists were massacred by giant man-eating sharks in the infamous 1916 Jersey Shore attacks. But that’s just a legend…or is it? It’s a holiday weekend on the Jersey Shore and, unbeknownst to anyone, underwater drills have attracted dozens of albino bull sharks to the pier. When a man goes missing, TC (The Complication), Nookie and friends fear the worst and plead with the police chief to close down the beach. It isn’t until a famous singer is eaten alive during a performance on the pier that the shark hunt begins. Now, the Preppies must work together with the Guidos in order to save the Jersey Shore and its inhabitants from another vicious slaughter.”

Joey Fatone, my favorite N’Sync singer (during their heyday, anyway), makes a guest appearance and gets chomped on for his efforts. That’s kind of disturbing. More so when you wish the shark would’ve chomped on Joshua Scott “JC” Chasez, the one N’Sync member that belongs in a shark’s mouth. (I have nothing against JC; with all that grease in his hair, he looks like he’d be flavorful to a bull shark.)

Yes, the special effects are ridiculously cheesy. Yes, the premise reeks of cash-in. Yes, you wish the real cast of Jersey Shore were the ones being chomped on instead of actors with too much product in their hair. And yes, you feel sharks are being exploited and that no one except me seems to care. I hope a shark chomps on all of New Jersey.

Chomp. Kind of a theme with me today. I must be hungry. Maybe for some Italian food.