Happy Birthday King Kong

King Kong, the world’s most famous pop culture icon this side of Jesus, celebrates his 80th birthday this month. (Officially, it was on March 2nd, and you missed it. That’s OK – you wouldn’t have survived his ragin’ party.)

So much has been written/gushed about KK, that for me to try and add to his legend would be a great disservice to a great guy. (Anyone who can climb to the top of the Empire State Building and take a banana-scented crap on New York is tops in my book.)

Rather than clog this blog with Kong fun facts (tickets to the premier of his 1933 movie debut were .35 cents and .75 cents, which translates to $150 in today’s money), or to word barf on all the Kong knockoffs/rip-offs, I decided to just review his first movie and the two remakes. You’re welcome.

So raise a fruit bowl to the King – and just be thankful he’s not your neighbor.

KING KONG
(TRKO Radio Pictures)
Stars: King Kong, crushable humans
Made in 1933. A giant stop-motion ape is discovered living on Skull Island and brought to New York to be a Broadway star. Ape gets loose, scores a blonde, scales the Empire State Building, beats chest, gets shot in the face by heavily-armed biplanes, falls off said building, dies. It wasn’t bullets that killed the beast, it was the nagging blonde.

KING KONG
(Paramount)
Stars: King Kong, crushable humans
Made in 1976. A giant man in an ape suit is discovered living on Skull Island and brought back to New York to be a corporate shill for an oil company. Ape gets loose, scores a blonde, scales the World Trade Center, beats chest, gets shot in the face by heavily-armed military helicopters, falls off said towers, dies (not really – see King Kong Lives). It wasn’t the beauty that killed the beast, it was primate-piercing shells.

KING KONG
(Universal)
Stars: King Kong, crushable humans
Made in 2005, but designed to look like 1933. A giant digital ape is discovered living on Skull Island (with his two cousins, Stop-Motion Ape and Man-In-An-Ape-Suit Ape), and brought to New York to be on The Late Show. Ape gets loose, scores a blonde, scales the Empire State Building, beats chest, gets shot in the face by heavily-armed digital biplanes, falls off said building, dies. It wasn’t digital bullets that killed the beast, it was special effects.