Killer Gnomes

Killer Gnome

Other than the annoying garden gnome in those Travelocity™ commercials, you don’t normally see those little scamps in horror movies. And for good reason – THEY’RE DUMB. How could a ceramic/plastic/wooden protector of petunias invoke enough dread to be featured in its own horror film? I suppose you could make it cannibalistic. But that seems so knee-jerk. Leprechauns, their fellow country men, are far more marketable, as evidenced by the Leprechaun movie franchise, which made a pot of gold at the box office, albeit not a bit pot.

As proof that we’re running out of things to turn into evil and slay us, the upcoming horror movie Killer Gnome looks to reverse the trend: “Life is going along pretty well for Brad and Penny until Brad brings home a smiling garden gnome. According to legend, the gnome will protect their garden, but this gnome is different. An innocent gift turns into a murderous nightmare as the pint-sized killer takes protecting the garden to a terrifying, relentless extreme.”

Sounds DUMB.

The Gnomemobile

There was, however, a killer gnome movie musical made back in 1967 by Disney called The Gnome-Mobile. And it was a gory one, too. An aging lumber tycoon Irish millionaire with an f’d up snore discovers a legion of ancient gnomes (who pre-dated Smurfs) living in his forest. Rounding up the townsfolk at minimum wage (hey, you don’t get rich signing checks) he arms everyone with chainsaws, weedwhackers, pitchforks, and machine guns to route out the singing and dancing pestilence.

The Gnomemobile

Beards and heads get lopped off. Pitchforks poke out eyes as though toothpicked olives on a party platter. One gnome gets strapped to a buzz saw table and gets split in half, his dying screams drowned out the commercial-grade blade’s zing. Those that survive the slaughter are eaten alive by rabid raccoons, their flesh being torn off like strips of teriyaki beef jerky. In all, the violently bloodiest movie Disney ever put out. And hey, it had a catchy soundtrack, too!

OK, I didn’t see the movie, so all of that may not have happened. Be cool if it did, though. That would’ve shown those stupid gnomes.

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