Look, Up In The Sky…It’s Super Shark!

Mega Shark…Ghost Shark…Swamp Shark…Psycho Shark…Snow Shark… Seeding the pond with yet another cartoonish chewer comes Super Shark, a 18-wheeler sized Great White that not only flies, but can also walk on dry land via his tippy-toe flippers. Jaws must be rolling over in his aquarium with all these pretenders to the throne cashing in on his finned legacy.

As mentioned, Super Shark can kinda fly, but does not have a cape. That’d be like asking Superman to swim underwater and bite swimmers in half without a gigantic set of razor-sharp teeth. Super Shark attacks military jets and beach-dwellers with equal aplomb (man, I love those word-of-the-day calendars). Additionally, oil rigs are but sea pretzels to accommodate Super Shark’s raging appetite. And if guilt-free micro bikinis start showing up in dump truck sized piles of shark droppings, you’ll know what he’s been eating for dessert.

As with all these craptacular shark movies coming out, you gotta throw in freshness-expired ’70s and ’80s actors/singers to save the day, like Jon Schneider (Dukes of Hazzard) and Jimmie Walker (Good Times), who goes around invoking “Dy-No-Mite!”, the three syllables that gave him a long and lucrative career. (Note: I watched the trailer with Walker wearing garish sunglasses, purple pimps hats, shirts so loud you can’t talk over ’em, and flapping his gums at every possible opportunity. I thought he was Flavor Flav. My bad.)

Super Shark’s sand-strolling ways gets him in trouble with the military, who introduces him to an AT-AT styled mecha-tank. I don’t wanna know how this turns out as it may not end happily for SS. And somewhere in the background is a mayor insisting the beaches stay open so as to financially exploit some sort of festival/spring break celebration.

I’m washed up like all those other guys – why doesn’t someone put me in a crappy Z-grade horror movie with a digital walking/flying shark? I have feelings, too, you know.