The Horror of The Amityville Horror

It’s one of the most popular haunted house movies of all time, even though it was kinda cheesy, what with a floating pig, swarms of beneficial house flies and defective plumbing noises. The Amityville Horror, released in 1979, told the now-famous story of a family moving into the possessed home, only to leave weeks later in the middle of the night, scared out of their lease, claiming an evil entity harassed and called them names ’n stuff. Man, those evil entities play rough. The house, as they discovered, was the site of a mass murder. (The DeFeo Family was killed in their sleep by the eldest son who claimed voices told him to do it. The voices in my head always say stuff like “drink all the beer” and “you must lie on the couch.” I obey the voices.)

The kicker is that all this stuff actually happened. Of course it was for real – there was The Amityville Horror: A True Story (1977) by Jay Anson, a top-selling book documenting George and Kathy Lutz’ horrific ordeal inside the allegedly haunted house. Books wouldn’t lie. Since then, the name Amityville has become synonymous with all topics ghost-y and has spawned a spate of movies. (I’ve been waiting to use “spate” in a sentence. It gives the impression I have a command of Englishness talk-talk words.)

Add two more films to the Amityville franchise pile: The Amityville Haunting, a made-on-the-cheap “found footage” Asylum cash-in (releasing December, 2011) that documents the “horrifying experience of a family that moved into the infamous haunted house,” and The Amityville Horror: The Lost Tapes (2012), which tracks a chick TV news intern looking to break the “most famous haunted house case in the world.” The story picks up after the events of the original book and movie via found footage. I am SO tired of “found footage” movies. It’s like the karaoke of filmmaking.

While we/I lie on the couch and wait for these two new Amityville Horror movies, here’s a look back at how a true haunted house story was endlessly sullied by Hollywood…

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (1979)
George Lutz and his new wife Kathy (with previously-made kids) score a sweet deal on the charming-yet-evil Dutch Colonial haunted house on the south shore of Long Island. Had they known the house was possessed by the previous tenant who shotgunned his family in the face there and was probably built over an ancient Indian burial ground, they might have saved themselves doing a lot of laundry (think about it). They moved out shortly thereafter, leaving all their junk in the house. No wonder the ghosts were pissed…those were SHAG RUGS!

AMITYVILLE II: THE POSSESSION (1982)
A prequel loosely based on the true story of Ronald DeFeo shotgunning his mom, dad, little brother and sisters in the face. A fictional dysfunctional family moves into the ill-fated house. The eldest son becomes possessed by a double evil presence and hears voices telling him to shotgun his family in the face. Not wanting to disappoint the voices, the kid does what he’s told, but not before having sex with his sister. I’m pretty sure that’s not cool.

AMITYVILLE 3D (1983)
A journalist buys the legendary haunted Amityville house to prove that all that evilizing and ghostings are nothing more than paranormal doo doo. The look on his face when he finds a gateway to Hell in his basement well with a demon hot-tubbing in it is near to priceless.

AMITYVILLE 4: THE EVIL ESCAPES (1989)
A bunch of priests show up at the cursed house to exorcise the non-rent paying demons. Thinking they were successful (silly church boys), the demons possess household items, all of which were sold at a garage sale. A lamp, possessed by 60-watt evil, is purchased for the bargain price of $100 and passed around to unsuspecting people who just wanted a little light in their lives.

THE AMITYVILLE CURSE (1990)
Five people spend the night in the Amityville house, only to have their pants scared right off their disbelieving buttocks by a variety pack of ghosts and bugs. Here’s the scary part – they used a different house instead of the iconic home with the red glowing attic windows. You know what that means? Evil is portable.

AMITYVILLE: IT’S ABOUT TIME (1992)
A vintage possessed clock from the Amityville house ticks down your life with bathtub goo, zombies, a torture chamber and (gasp!) doors that open and close BY THEMSELVES! I think I just crapped my pants.

AMITYVILLE: A NEW GENERATION (1993)
A possessed mirror this time. A homeless guy sells the ornate looking glass to an artist who discovers the soul of his dead dad is reflected in it. To have it make a lick of sense, dad shotgunned all but one of his family on Thanksgiving with the rifle from the original Amityville murder house. Seems logical.

AMITYVILLE DOLLHOUSE (1996)
Newlyweds move into a newly house and in it discover a dollhouse that looks exactly like the evil Amityville murder house. This simply cannot be good. There’s zombie ghosts, a dog-sized mouse (it was white instead of the preferred evil black), possessed dolls, voodoo, witchcraft and (gasp!) a car that STARTS BY ITSELF! I have to wash my pants again.

THE AMITYVILLE HORROR (2005)
A stylish but pointless remake of the 1979 original that, while mildly entertaining, did little to bring anything new to the table, although it did have the ghost of Jodie, the young murdered DeFeo daughter, sticking a finger into the shotgun hole in her own head. That is SO gross.