Archive for Zillow

Haunted Houses, Haunted Babies, Haunted Sailors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 8, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Neibolt House

If you ever wanted to live in the Neibolt Street house (aka, the Well House), forget it — Pennywise, The Dancing Clown from It (2017) already squats there. If you’ve seen the movie, you already know what he does to trespassing guests. But skilled artist Lance Cardinal built an excruciatingly detailed one-of-a-kind miniature of the house (46”x 30”x30”), complete with light up interior and a full front yard and fences as seen in the pretty dang scary flick.

Neibolt House

From Lance himself: “I really loved the film and thought the production design was amazing! As soon I saw this house in the film I knew I had to re-create it in miniature. The entire thing was created from scratch, using pictures from the set that was built for the film in Oshawa, Ontario, Canada.”

Neibolt House

Amazingly, it took Lance two months to complete the iconic haunted house. The good news: he’s selling it. Find him on Facebook™ or e-mail him at lancecardinal75@gmail.com for the price and some other incredible pieces he’s putting up for snaggings.

Neibolt House

While I go look for the Neibolt House on Zillow™ (crossing fingers it isn’t being used as an Airbnb™), here are few now available/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as scary as Pennywise’s downstairs toilet (kids aren’t the only things that float down there)…

The Child Remains

THE CHILD REMAINS (available now)
“Inspired by the shocking true story of the infamous ‘Butterbox Babies’, an expectant couple’s intimate weekend turns to terror when they discover their secluded country inn is a haunted maternity home where unwanted infants and mothers were murdered. A twisted, disturbing supernatural thriller about the evil that lurks behind the colorful postcard.”

Makes sense that a couple expecting a rug rat would embark on an intimate weekend — no risk of getting knocked up, so go nuts. Okay, that sounded better in my head.

Play or Die

PLAY OR DIE (July 2, 2019)
Lucas and Chloe, two passionate gamers, decide to participate to Paranoia, a very exclusive escape game. After solving a first riddle, they make it to the location of the finale in an abandoned mental hospital, lost in a frightening forest. There, four other participants are waiting on them. They soon realize that only one of them will get out of there alive.”

Yep, someone actually got paid to think up this story line. That person was overpaid.

Ashes

ASHES (July 9, 2019)
“After a family’s estranged aunt passes away, they’re reluctant and creeped out to receive her cremated ashes. But when a series of supernatural misfortunes beset them, they’ll have to go through Hell to be rid of her angry spirit.”

Pffft — Just kick her in the ash hole.

The Lighthouse

THE LIGHTHOUSE (2019)
The Lighthouse is a fantasy horror story set in the world of old sea-faring myths.”

Old sea-faring myths include octopus tickling games, sea horse rodeos, harpoon acupuncture, and topless mermaids sitting on ocean rocks while combing sand crabs out of their fore and aft hair with carelessly discarded clam shells.

Vampire Face Cream

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

I, Vampiri

I, Vampiri (1956), also known as Lust of the Vampire and The Devil’s Commandment, is a patience-testing Italian vampire movie based on the Elizabeth Bathory legend, which has Giselle du Granda, a vampire chick who needs the blood of young chicks to bathe away her oldness in. She goes to all this trouble when a nice moisturizer would add miles to her mug. (I recommend a purse-friendly jug of Kiehl’s™ Ultra-Facial Cream, which sells for a reasonable $27.50 at Nordstrom™.)

Kiehl's Ultra Facial Cream

No scares or suspense, a lot of yapping and a lot of stock footage. Then there’s the usual stuff of missing bloodless young chicks and E-Bath trying to stay one step ahead of the local inspector (or “detective”).

I, Vampiri

I’ll say this about her pad, though —  the skeleton bat gargoyle decor makes for excellent ambiance and really enhance the Zillow™ estimated value of her castle real estate. You might need to upgrade the curtain-esque spider webs, though. I’m thinkin’ something along the lines of a nice mummy wrap chiffon.

I, Vampiri

Wanna know how many sub-titles you need to navigate before you see Giselle turn into parchment paper? Un sacco. (Sounds cooler if you say it with an Italian accent.)

Rent-Free Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghosthouse

Have to give credit to the Italian made Ghosthouse (aka, La Casa/1988). What it short sheets you in acting, dialogue and plot, it’s delightfully gory. Just the opening sequence alone has a slaughtered family cat, a hatchet through the top of dad’s formerly functioning head, and mom getting her face shredded and eye blown out by an exploding mirror before getting her neck sliced into lunch meat. A family slayed together, stays together.

Ghosthouse

That sets up the premise twenty years later of a young Boston ham radio operator and his emotional rollercoaster of a girlfriend intercepting an ominous call for help, along with an eerie cackle over looped spooky music. Using some sort of math he triangulates the signal and it leads them right to the very long-abandoned house the opening sequence murders took place. Seems some grandfathered evil still lives there rent free.

Ghosthouse

Teaming up with some age-similar squatters, they try to Scooby-Doo the crap out of the mystery. At the core of it is eleven year old Henrietta and her demoniacally-possessed jester clown doll. Even though she died all those years ago (locked in the basement and left to starve to death), she still has work to do. This includes showing up on TV with bleeding eyes, popping up in hallways and any one of the house’s 14 bedrooms in blinding white light, and packing around that evil-cackling clown doll.

Ghosthouse

The dialogue is so painful it makes your crevices itch. The acting ranks somewhere between “just graduated from junior high school to “will you please just stop talking?” Thankfully, Henrietta and her demon doll unleash double heck, turning the old mansion into a non-stop parade of haunted house cliches and gore.

Ghosthouse

Other than the entire thing, Ghosthouse’s paranormal activities are outright LOL: a bedroom where toys and pillow feathers encircle a victim as if an indoor tornado; An running unplugged and motor-less fan’s blade coming lose and frisbee-ing a new throat hole in another victim; Floorboards giving way to a bubble bath of thick milky goop that dissolves skin; A melt-y face skeleton wearing a Grim Reaper robe and brandishing a knife. But it was the blood coming out of a bathroom faucet that really put the frosting on this cadaver cake. And if you can get through it, the ending will put a grin on your non-sliced face.

Ghosthouse

Interesting note: The house featured in the film is the same one used in the splatfest The House by the Cemetery (1981). Wonder what it rents for on Zillow™?

Bigfoot on Zillow™

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Willow Creek

Willow Creek is the title of a new Bigfoot movie, filmed found-footage style by famed comedian Bobcat Goldthwait. Before I go into that, there’s something you should know that will freak you out: Willow Creek is a real place in Northern California and sits along the Trinity River. Residents of this small mountain town are commonly referred to as “Willow Creekers.” It is the Bigfoot capital of the world, and holds an annual festival in honor of the creature.

There is an entire town that celebrates Bigfoot and I didn’t know about it? I’m looking up Willow Creek on Zillow™ and seeing how much it’ll cost me to live there.

Willow Creek

In Bobcat’s movie, a guy and his girlfriend, moving picture camera in hand, go to Willow Creek to “retrace the steps of Bigfoot researchers Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin, who, in 1967, recorded the most famous film of the legendary monster.” I need to interject – this may be a case of artistic license, but the Patterson footage of a REAL Bigfoot was shot in Bluff Creek, CA, a tributary northwest of the Klamath River between Willow Creek and Happy Camp, CA. They don’t have a whole lot of affordable apartments in Bluff Creek. I checked.

Willow Creek

While in Willow Creek, this guy and his girlfriend (I’ll call her “Kelly” because that’s the movie name they give her) interview locals who range from skeptic to believer and from manic to completely menacing. Some of the stories they hear are of chance encounters with a gentle creature, while others are tales of mysterious eviscerations. ( Note: “Eviscerate” means to remove the entrails of; disembowel. It is also a favored term used by Hellraiser’s Cenobites.)

The press release goes on to tell us that this guy and Kelly “head deep into the forest to set up camp. The events that follow will make them wish they had simply spent the night at the Bigfoot Motel.”

Willow Creek

There’s a Bigfoot Motel? Why on Earth would anyone keep that from me? I’m about ready to throw pine cones in all directions I’m so mad. I suppose next I’ll find out there’s a Bigfoot restaurant, bar and souvenir shop. If that’s the case, I’m gonna eviscerate my travel agent for not bringing this to my attention.

Look for Willow Creek in small town, motel, restaurant, bar and/or souvenir store near you.

P.S. There’s a town called Happy Camp in California? Why the hell did anyone not tell me?