Alien Nightlight, Murderous Mermaid, Nazi Ghost Zombie

Just because it was blown into black hole shavings back in 2127, you can still own the Nostromo ship from Alien (1979). Can’t fly it, though, as it’s pretty much a nightstand recreation that’s been hi-tech engineered to also be a lamp. And hey, it comes with its own Xenomorph! (Just to clarify, the “illuminated sculpture” is a recreation of the Alien Lockmart CM-88B Bison M-Class Star Freighter — U.S.C.S.S. Nostromo, not the actual refinery/beater mom ship in the movie.)

This cool piece of Alien memorabilia comes courtesy of The Bradford Exchange and sells for $99.99. Neat — one penny shy of $100, which I can’t afford. I can, however, get a die-cast version over at themotorpool.net for $79.99. Should be enough bling in the ‘ol Alien head cookie jar to get one.

Anyway, here’s the press release…

“The Bradford Exchange, Hawthorne Village Division, is excited to offer a special opportunity to reserve the Alien: Nostromo Masterpiece Sculpture, an officially-licensed sculpture exquisitely capturing the doomed ship and the dreaded Xenomorph. Pending sufficient demand, this Alien sculpture is sure to bring the horror of this landmark sci-fi film to vividly nightmarish three-dimensional life!”

“Impressively sized at one foot long, this Alien sculpture will be handcrafted and hand-painted to highlight its unprecedented detailing from every angle, from the ship itself to the intricate base with official logo. The Xenomorph, a pure killing machine with its whiplash tail, clawed hands and deadly dual jaws, will be poised for attack under the doomed ship. Plus, it will light up to cast an eerie green glow on the ship and the deadly creature that lurks below it.”

This is a fancy way of saying, you/I/me/us need to have it. Here’s the catch — these are made to order, so unless they get a pile of preorders, this ship will not fly. So get in line HERE.

While you’re clearing your nightstand of pesky books (who needs ‘em when you have TV?), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that may or may not light up your life…or nightstand…

SURVIVE THE HOLLOW SHOALS (available now)
“Zach Weiland is a survival enthusiast who embarks on a 60 day survival challenge in the Hollow Shoals of Georgia. His primary objective is to find clean drinkable water, build a shelter and create a fire. Throughout Zach’s survival challenge he is stalked and harassed by an evil entity that haunts the Shoals.”

Worst. Movie. Art. Ever.

SIREN (March 29, 2018)
“When the arrival of a mysterious girl proves this folklore all too true, the battle between man and sea takes a very vicious turn as these predatory beings return to reclaim their right to the ocean.”

I wrote about a pile of mermaid movies/books back in 2010. You’d think someone would come up with a better name than Siren (used often) for a killer mermaid. How about Squishy Fishy? Who wouldn’t go see a movie with snappy title like that?

LIVING SPACE (March, 2018)
“College sweethearts Brad and Ashley venture into the heartland of Germany. Their romantic holiday takes a sinister turn when encountering a German SS Officer, thrusting them into a psychological vortex revealing there is not always life in a ‘Living Space’”.

Lemme get this straight — a Nazi ghost zombie? Sounds romantic to me, too!

SOFT MATTER (2018)
“Two graffiti artists break into an abandoned and reportedly haunted research facility in hopes of creating an art installation. They instead stumble upon a team of demented researchers who are in the process of resurrecting an ancient sea creature — who they now must fight in order to not become their next experiment.”

The plot doesn’t exactly kick you in the soft matter, but what the heck — I could go for some ancient seafood. I hope the monster graffitis the walls with the “artist’s” inner paint palette.

Power Women, Wormholes, Babysitting the Devil

Whilst watching the recent Critics Choice Awards on the ‘ol viewing box (once again, I failed to make it into any category), it was refreshing to see the continued and passionate support of the #TimesUp movement, and to see those who did win awards, not squander their prime time speeches on themselves/politics/UFOs, and kept echoing the point of gender inequality. This was the best part of the show.

Kumail Nanjiani, the voice of Prismo on Adventure Time (one of the most imaginative, non-alcohol-fueled cartoon series out there), had this to say during his acceptance speech for The Big Sick/Best Comedy: “I think as men, we have been talking for centuries. It’s time for us to shut up, listen, and amplify.”

In the spirit of that, and given that 2018 is clearly the Year of the Woman, I hereby lend my support and nominate as movement ambassador, Ellen Ripley from Alien (1979) and for being a take-charge role model and a kick buttock lady who kicks xenomorph buttock all over the galaxy. (Other personal candidates are Diana Prince (Wonder Woman), Natalia Romanova/Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow from Avengers/2012), Melinda May (Marvel’s Agents of Shield) and Princess Bubblegum (Adventure Time).

While everyone waits on you to chime in (and please do) with your candidates for Woman/Women of the Year (and every year), here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may do better with Ripley/Princess Bubblegum in the lead…

THE BEYOND (available now)
“Set in 2019, The Beyond chronicles the groundbreaking mission which sent astronauts — modified with advanced robotics — through a newly discovered wormhole known as the Void. When the mission returns unexpectedly, the space agency races to discover what the astronauts encountered on their first of its kind interstellar space journey.”

It’d be cool to go into space with an advanced robot. Think of all the cool slot-machine beating tips it could teach you. As wormholes go, the ones in my neighborhood could be called the Void. But I prefer their Earth names: The Poggie Tavern, The Tug Tavern, The Maha… (I could keep going into the Void if you want.)

A DEMON WITHIN (available now)
“A young girl dies in 1914 after a demonic spirit preys on her family. Decades later, a skeptical doctor must stop history from repeating itself by confronting his own demons to save the life of a possessed teenager.”

Seems like everyone is getting possessed these days. Used to be everyone wanted to get married. (If you wanna know what Hell on Earth is, put a ring on it.)

HOUSE OF SALEM (January 23, 2018)
“A group of kidnappers become a child’s unlikely protectors after discovering they have unwittingly been set up to take part in a satanic ritual. As they begin to uncover the truth of the house they find themselves trapped, they must battle demonic forces and uncover a legacy of over a hundred years of murder in the name of the Devil.”

So criminals have to become babysitters? This sounds like a rom-com. Throw in the Devil and madcap situations ensue with hilarious results.

WASTELANDER (January 23, 2018)
“In a post-apocalyptic landscape, an ex-soldier wanders in search of his lost home and family. Along the way, he joins a makeshift group of survivors who convince him to lead them through the wasteland. But when a band of pillaging raiders comes after them, they must fight to survive in this cruel dystopia.”

Wonder why they always frame the future as the Earth having been Napoleon Blown Apart? My vision of the many days after tomorrow include jet-packs, pleasure-bots and self-washing hair.

Expensive Aliens, World War Werewolves, Wrinkled Time

The seriously talented folks at studioADI have come up with jaw-dropping, stand-alone art pieces based on the creatures in Alien3 (1992). Alien: Resurrection (1997). Too bad they didn’t do one of Ripley in her space underwear in Alien (1979). That was a groundbreaking moment in modern sci-fi.

Among the holiday dinner centerpieces are the Alien Warrior Half Head ($3,000/limited to 150), the Alien Newborn ($2,000/limited to 100) and the more affordable Alien Queen Embryo ($400). Each of these large and magnificently created xenomorphs will make you scream with glee — or just plain scream. (Don’t do that in space — no one can hear you.)

If you have a pocket full of space Benjamins, you can click HERE to procure one or more of the coveted designs.

While we’re ransacking the swear jar (mine’s full), here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not look cool on your occasional table…

INFINITY CHAMBER (available now)
“Locked up in an automated prison, Frank Lerner undergoes an interrogation process that forces him to relive the same day over and over. When a war erupts on the outside, he must find a way to escape from a computer system that won’t let him go.”

Hate to break it to you, Frankie — you’re actually in a cubicle in an office building downtown at your day job. And if you’re married? Another prison. Sucks to be you.

ISLAMIC EXORCIST (available now)
“An Indian couple are devastated when their adopted daughter becomes possessed by a demon. After the father shoots her to death, an investigative journalist delves into the couple’s scary past.”

This is said to have been released out last July (2017, in case you forgot what year this is). Demonic entities are supposed to e-mail me when these types of movies come out. I don’t have time to be checking their Linkedin pages.

WEREWOLVES OF THE THIRD REICH (December 5, 2017)
“In Germany at the height of World War II, a ragtag group of American soldiers discover Doctor Mengele’s diabolical plan to create an unstoppable army of Nazi werewolves.”

Nazi werewolves. Wonder if they bark in German? The German word for “bark” is “borke.” Wonder if the Nazi werewolves borke in German?

A WRINKLE IN TIME (March 9, 2018)
“Meg Murry and her little brother, Charles Wallace, have been without their scientist father, Mr. Murry, for five years, ever since he discovered a new planet and used the concept known as a tesseract to travel there. Joined by Meg’s classmate Calvin O’Keefe and guided by the three mysterious astral travelers known as Mrs. Whatsit, Mrs. Who and Mrs. Which, the children brave a dangerous journey to a planet that possesses all of the evil in the universe.”

This is the latest adaption of the same-named 1962 science fantasy novel written by Madeleine L’Engle. (I quit reading books when I found out the TV had multiple channels.) It’s a big-budget movie with lots of big time movie stars. This means paying big bucks to see it on the Imax™ screen will put a wrinkle in your wallet.

 

 

Alien Juice, Space Horses, Jedi Jamboree

An Alien Punch Fountain. Two thoughts: Why didn’t I think of that, and where can I get this thing right the heck now?

So the nutty geniuses over at Neatoco sculpted a Xenomorph (modeled after the one in Alien/1979) from the belly button up, ran a tube up places where tubes probably shouldn’t go if you’re a human, pumped Green Berry Rush™ (made by Hawaiian Punch™) through it, and presto — an Alien Punch Fountain! FYI — Green Berry Rush™ looks like a cross between real Alien acid blood spit and Prestone Antifreeze™. Wonder if it tastes like a cocktail of said handy fluids?

So can Neatoco get this thing licensed and put into production so I finally have something to spend my homemade bit coins on? I threw a few into a virtual wishing well in hopes they will.

Until that happens, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not have you gushing up green stuff…

DON’T SLEEP (September 29, 2017/limited/VOD)
“Young lovers Shawn and Zach find the perfect home to rent, with friendly couple Mr. and Mrs. Marino as their landlords. Their future seems bright until Zach begins to experience nightmares of his hellish past. These memories, once erased by electroshock therapy, slowly return, causing Zach to question his sanity. As he struggles with his psychosis, strange things start happening at the house. The threats become increasingly deadly and Zach must face the reality that the problem is no longer in his psychology. Once the threat of psychotic behavior turns into the possibility of demonic possession, Zach is confronted with a horrific reality he never could before have imagined.”

I always wanted to try electroshock therapy. Not that I need it or anything. It just sounds kinda fun. Might beat sticking my fingers in a wall socket, anyway. That loses its appeal real quick.

THE SHAPE OF WATER (December 8, 2017)
“In 1963, a mute janitor and her colleague work in a government laboratory and eventually discover an amphibious man in a water tank. The janitor, out of loneliness, befriends the creature.”

This might be Guillermo Del Toro’s (the guy behind Hellboy/2004, Pan’s Labyrinth/2006, Pacific Rim/2013, and all those Hobbit movies), alternate take on Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954), which he was supposed to remake. I e-heard that one washed up on shore. Del Toro probably decided to make something similar since he had all that movie water laying around and figured he’d put it to good use.

STAR WARS: THE LAST JEDI (December 15, 2017)
“Having taken her first steps into a larger world in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015), Rey continues her epic journey with Finn, Poe and Luke Skywalker in the next chapter of the saga.”

YET ANOTHER Star Wars movie. I’ve only been an occasional fan for one simple reason — the “license to print money” sci-fi franchise is the same movie, over and over. It’s always The Imperial Forces trading laser punches with The Rebellion, the Wile E. Coyote vs. The Road Runner of the cosmos. Lots of resistance brawling, the blowing up of future stuff, templated characters with cartoon personalities (see last sentence), and space horses called “Tauntauns.” Before they went all metro and started mopping their bathroom floors after 30 years, you could get the same thing at The Poggie Tavern at last call. P.S. Star Wars: Episode IX, YET ANOTHER one, is scheduled for May 24, 2019.

PUPPET KILLER (2018)
“Years after the mysterious disappearance of his stepmother, Jamie and his friends return to his family’s cabin that holds a very dark secret for a Christmas getaway, but the holidays always have a way of letting these things out. Convinced that his childhood puppet is a magically animated killer, will Jamie be able to save his friends from a blood body count or is he the one who is actually crazy?”

This low budget comedy horror got stalled in the stall for some time over creative and legal obstacles. (I have that same problem with my garbage man, I mean, “Waste Management Administrator.”) Once it goes through one more wringer (indie filmfest circuit), you might actually get to see if the oddly titled Puppet Killer was worth the wait.

Award Winning Alien

Alien: Covenant (2017) hasn’t come out as of this e-blogging, but its already won numerous awards. The latest key art was named “Best Reason To Crap Your Pants With Glee,” along with “Best Reason To Not Die Until The Movie Comes Out on May 19, 2017,” and the coveted “Best Romantic Date Night” movie.

These, of course, are the awards I’m giving Alien: Covenant. I have no doubts that come the Academy Awards in 2018 that the movie will be a clean sweep in all divisions, including the category of “Best Foreign Organism.”

I can’t wait to see a Xenomorph come up on stage to receive the first of many Oscar trophies. Let’s hope he acid sneezes all over the front row audience.