Don’t Cry For Werewolves

If you live in the village of Deddington, either you’re a werewolf or about to be chewed out by one. Such is the framework for Crying Wolf, a British werewolf movie finally (after several years) releasing December 12, 2015, just in time for Christmas. Nothing says happy holidays like having your neck bit off.

So here’s the problem in Deddington: “For centuries a pack of werewolves have resided in the sleepy town. But when local girl Charlotte meets a particularly gruesome death, the village is descended upon by reporters, crazy detectives and lunatic hunters desperate to get their story, solve the crime and kill the beasts. But these wolves are smart…very smart.”

Try your hardest not to confuse Crying Wolf with the 2011 documentary of the same name. That one’s about reintroducing wolves to Yellowstone National Park, where they go around biting tourists’ necks off.

Historical Monster Hunters

From Ross Patterson, the guy who brought us FDR: American Badass (2012) now comes Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves (release pending 2015).

In American Badass, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, our 32nd president, ends the Great Depression (good, that thing was depressing), puts a stop to Prohibition (to this day I am thankful) and fights Nazis even though he’s confined to a wheelchair after contracting polio from a werewolf bite. I am all up for re-electing him.

In Helen Keller vs. Nightwolves, a group Nightwolves terrorize a tiny village taking people’s hearing and eyesight. Hmm – this sounds like one of those insensitive Helen Keller jokes. (Someone wrote on the movie’s Facebook page about the ad materials: “Will this poster be available with braille?”) Ironically, the movie poster does use braille under the title. Clever, yet kinda tasteless. So yeah, I’m down with it.

Still, I’m intrigued by the idea that a deaf and blind girl, armed only with knives, is able to take on a pack of werewolves and quench her thirst for bloody revenge. (The movie implies that it was the Nightwolves are what originally took away her sight and hearing. Again, not cool to make sport of Helen’s famous handicap. But the douchebag I am finds taste in the tasteless.

On that note, I’m making an assumptive leap here; the enemy may not be actual werewolves, but rather non-werewolves. The trailer, which doesn’t reveal much, shows actual wolves roughhousing it up. But why would nature’s gangstas go after your eyes and ears, all the while leaving delicious entrails behind? Real werewolves wouldn’t do that.

I hear Helen Keller sure plays a mean pinball. (I’ll wave to you on my way to Hell.)

Two Werewolves = Twice The Fun

Blood Moon, an upcoming werewolf movie, is described as a mash-up of comedy, horror and the western. Sounds cool – just as long as they don’t make the werewolves wear spurs that jingle jangle jingle.

Like all westerns, Blood Moon (no official release date set as of this e-scribble; be sure and check your sun dial) takes place in 1887 in Colorado. “A passenger-heavy stagecoach and an gunslinger are held hostage by two outlaws on the out with the law. Events take an unexpected turn when the travelers are stalked by a mythical beast that only appears on the night of a blood red moon.” I bet it’s a werewolf.

P.S. Do not confuse this Blood Moon with Bloodmoon from 1990, in which a serial killer, loose at an all girl school, strangles them with barbed wire. What a dick.

And since the only thing better than a werewolf movie is another werewolf movie, comes Wolves, releasing on October 16, 2014 on VOD and limited theater release in November 2014.

Wolves sounds like somebody’s been watching Twilight (2008): “Cayden Richards, 18, has it all: captain of the high school football team; straight-A student; gorgeous girlfriend. But when he wakes one dark night to find his parents brutally murdered he is horrified to realize that he is turning into an animal: a wild, savage wolf.”

“Panicked, Cayden runs, determined to find out what is happening to him. His quest leads him to the strange, isolated town of Lupine Ridge, where two clans of wolves are on the brink of war. When Cayden falls for Angelina, the beautiful, young mate promised to another wolf, a battle to the death is inevitable.”

Two things: Cayden is a really dumb name for a werewolf. Secondly, when in fur form, he looks a lot like me after being denied last call…

Sort Of But Not Really A Werewolf

The chomped-on remains of bums and socialites with matching shoes lead two detectives to slummy buildings in the South Bronx where they discover a pack of wolfy creatures hiding out in-between people snacks. Using Hippy-Scope™ technology, we get to see the colorful and swirly point-of-view through the wolves’ eyes.

The cops set up night vision telescopes in opposite buildings to catch these creatures with their fur down. When one officer aims his scope at his partner across the street, that good choice for a partner flashes him his bare badge. Seeing a B.A. through a night-vision telescope is pretty funny. I’ll have to remember that.

This timelessly hilarious pratfall ends abruptly when Office Pants Down is attacked by the creatures. Too bad – he seemed like a fun guy. When we finally get to see what’s been doing all the killing, it turns out to be real wolves.

Seems the angry animals are pissed because of the poverty poor environmental conditions and are exacting their revenge via an Indian chant or something. This was OK, I guess, and Wolfen (1981) is a creative twist on the werewolf theme. But sometimes you just wanna see a guy in a hairy suit.