Unsafe Werewolf Sex

Alice has a problem — she’s an attractive chick (not quite Victoria Secrets™ good-looking; more like JC Penney’s™ catalog cute) in her sexual prime. And she’s a SWF— single wolfy female.

Alice has one-hour meaningful relationships with guys she picks up at hotels across town, but still can’t seem to quench her unbearable thirst for full moon love. She tells her psychiatrist/vet that she’s a wolf, but of course, she’s not taken seriously. (There were no fire hydrants around for her to prove it.)

Then Alice meets a guy who she falls for, and eventually tells him her big hairy secret. He ain’t buying it, either. So she’s all distraught and unhappy because she wants to hang out in the woods on all fours. But her shrink wants to do it doggy style, and she’s thinkin’ that’s a big no, so she transforms (rather cheesily) in front of him, growing hair well past her bikini zone.

Not quite a horror story, but rather, puppy love. The acting is surprisingly good and there’s lots of naked goings on, which makes up for the lack of neck-mangling special effects. But what the fudge; Wilderness (1996 and planned as a British mini-series) is at least a varied take on the werewolf theme. Wish I could find that hotel, though.

Super Girlfriends, Family Werewolf, Murder Cabins

After nearly four years of battling aliens and her chaotic love life, Supergirl (on CW) has not only added Superman (Tyler Hoechlin — Season 3/nice teeth), but now, after countless references to his relentless relationship with Lois Lane, we’ll finally get to see her actual face and relentless reporter skills during Elseworlds, the three-night crossover (relentlessly mentioned in this blog by someone who looks a lot like me) coming December, 2018 on Supergirl, The Flash and Arrow. (Geez, that was a run-on sentence.) This got me thinking (had to wirelessly beer-charge the ‘ol Cracker Jack box™ that is my brain) to do a Lois Lane inventory.

While the prize-winning investigative journalist has been recast relentless times in comic books (I conservatively think there were 1.2 million versions), Lois Lane has been portrayed at least 10 times, if you count Joan Alexander, the voice of Lois on radio (TV screen without a screen) from 1940 to 1951. (And you thought kryptonite was Superman’s only weakness.) His rotating girlfriends include Noell Neill, Phyllis Coates, Margot Kidder, Teri Hatcher, Erica Durance, Kate Bosworth, Uma Thurman (playing the fake Lois Lane on the “Superhero Speed Dating” segment in Movie 43/2013), Amy Adams, and now in Supergirl, Elizabeth Tulloch. That’s a lot of Valentine’s Day candy Superman had/has to buy.

To illustrate just how super Superman’s girlfriend is, she was in 137 issues of DC’s Superman’s Girlfriend, Lois Lane from, 1958 to 1974. (Dang, that was a redundant sentence.) Then she had a front and center role in Lois Lane, her own comic book title, from 1962 to 1965 and was DC Comics’ third best-selling funny book during those funny years.

So while we wait to welcome the newest Lois Lane to Superman’s little black book, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of Superman’s Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder…

END OF THE WORLD (available now)
“As mass of solar storms causes tsunamis, volcanoes, and flooding, a city-dwelling family attempts to flee to the relative safety of a group of high-elevation caves several miles away.”

The cover of the DVD depicts Seattle’s iconic Space Needle being kicked in the struts and falling down upon the city where I live and drink. This sucks as they just completed the Space Needle’s remodel of installing a transparent floor 605 feet up. Unless the pervs down below have binoculars, all you ladies wearing skirts while visiting the Needle won’t have to worry.

ALPHA WOLF (available now)
“A couple moves into a secluded cabin in an attempt to salvage their relationship and finds their world torn apart when the husband transforms into a murderous werewolf. Things grow more bizarre when the family dog leaps in to save the wife and suffers his own transformation.”

I guess the cabin trip was to hopefully reconcile that time the wife threw Nair™ on her husband’s face during an argument on whether or not to use silver bullets in the family repeating shotgun. Those things tend to get worse if not talked through before a full moon.

MOTHER KRAMPUS 2 (available now)
On Christmas Eve four young women wrap up their community service with one last visit to the older and less fortunate. As darkness falls and the cold settles in, they realize there is far more to their seemingly innocent host than meets the eye.”

I bet the seemingly innocent host is Mother Krampus. Just a hunch.

THE CABIN (December 4, 2018)
Young American couple, Rose and Harry are on their way to visit Harry’s family cabin, both as a nostalgic vacation and as a way to rekindle their relationship. But they’re not the only one that decided to visit the cabin this weekend. The vacation is quickly turned into a living nightmare for Rose and Harry as they meet a vicious sociopath, who invites them into a involuntary cat and mouse game.”

Why is it remote cabins are where married couples go to fix relationships? Everybody knows that’s where murderous werewolves and/or vicious sociopaths go to shoot fish in a barrel.

Fur Where There Was No Fur Before

Back in the suit-n-tie days, Larry Talbot returns to Wales after finding out his brother died. Larry thinks it’s a good opportunity to reconcile with his estranged father. Nice timing for a family patching as Larry’s about to become the family dog.

While out on the town, Larry buys a stylish walking cane with a silver wolf’s head for a handle. Looks badass. So much so, he uses it to kill a rogue wolf, sustaining a Band-Aid™ worthy wound during the furry fracas. He later learns that wolf was the son of a gypsy, and…(wait for it)…a WEREWOLF! The wolf man curse has now been non-sexually transferred to Larry. And once the full moon rises, no fire hydrants within miles are safe.

Once he finds out he’s behind all the village attacks, Lon Chaney, Jr.’s painfully remorseful Larry Talbot/Wolf Man actually makes you feel sorry for him. But don’t try and pet him soothingly in wolf form as your arm will no longer be yours to swing around at dances and/or flight decks.

The entire werewolf mythology — needing a haircut when the moon is full, silver ammunition (or handles on whacking canes), pentagrams, wolfsbane, neck biting and/or neck ripping — comes from this enduring and resonant story of what happens when you’re bitten by a wolf. And not just any old wolfy flea bag…one that’s cursed.

The ultra eerie woods and clinging fog impose a sense of tangible dread, as does that freaky, old-as-dirt gypsy woman who recites the famous werewolf poem: “He who drinks beer by the light of the moon, turns into a jackass, a moron, a goon.” (Okay, I may have not remembered that poem correctly.)

You probably already saw The Wolf Man, a landmark horror movie, when it came out in 1941. Those of you who haven’t watched since then, do so again. Today if possible. Those of you who haven’t watched it at all, you can’t really call yourself a horror movie fan until you do. The Wolf Man is required viewing, people.

Restored Zombies, Giant Animals, Predictable Slashers

If you’re not doing anything on February 13, 2018, you can buy Criterion’s 4k digital restoration of Night of the Living Dead. Yeah, we’ve all seen the movie a billion times. But this one comes with new snazzy features, like the never-before-seen 16mm dailies reel, new programs about the editing, the score, and directing ghouls and an essay by film critic Stuart Klawans. There’s lots more, but this is already starting to feel like a to-do list.

While we impatiently wait to see YET ANOTHER repackage of the same movie we’ve seen a billion times, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies you that you may or may not watch a billion times…

AMERICAN BIGFOOT (aka, Kampout/available now)
“Enraged by the murder of it’s offspring, a Bigfoot rampages through the countryside of Southeast Ohio. Detective Benson, Ranger Thomas and Bigfoot researcher Hank scramble to locate the legendary creature before it attacks a group of teenagers on a camping trip in an isolated place called Kampout.”

Of course Bigfoot’s an American. So much so, I’m surprised his fur isn’t red, brown and blue. And whoever killed the Bigkid, deserves to taste the business end of an American boot.

THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (March, 2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a dangerous turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park to stay with some relatives and find it mysteriously deserted. Under the cover of darkness, three masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test the family’s every limit as they struggle to survive.”

Second verse, same as the first. Surprised as to why it’s taken 10 years to barf up a sequel. Not surprised that all they did was move the location and slap a limp biscuit of a title on it.

RAMPAGE (April 20, 2018)
“The first privately owned space station is destroyed by a mysterious experiment done on board. Three canisters from the crash land on Earth. One lands in the gorilla enclosure at the San Diego Zoo, the other in the plains of Wyoming and the last one in the Florida Everglades. The Griffin Technologies Group, headed by two siblings, tries to destroy any evidence of wrongdoing before the government finds out. It’s too late because the canisters have infected a gorilla named George, a wolf in Wyoming and an alligator. They start evolving and growing exponentially. To cover their tracks, the Griffin idiots decide to unleash a beacon that will make all three large animals head toward one destination: their head office located in the Willis Tower in Chicago.”

A giant gorilla, wolf and alligator. King Kong and Crocosaurus should sue for face infringement. As for the giant forest dog, good luck finding a proportional fire hydrant.

FANTASTIC BEASTS: THE CRIMES OF GRINDELWALD (November 16, 2018)
“Grindelwald had escaped from the Wizard Cops and is preparing to build up his evil army. Young Dumbledore will enlist his favorite student, Newt, to help fight said army. Tragic and powerful Credence has possibly been turned to the dark side, though he seemed pretty annoyed when Grindelwald betrayed him.”

Another money-printing Harry Potter prequel. Too bad the press release just spoiled it by telling us Grindelwald got away from the Wizard Cops. I wanted to be the one to do it.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

NUMBER 13 (2017)
“Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.

Holy Shirt – It’s Whalewolf!

Hate to resort to filthy gutter talk to vent my frustrations, but gosh ding dong dang it – every time I come up with a new horror/sci-fi movie monster, somebody else has beaten me to the punchline.

Such is the case with the upcoming Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf, airing on the SyFy Channel™ on July 19, 2015. I thought up Whalewolf – a cross between a whale and a werewolf – several years ago. Even then I was too late as the The Field Guide to Doomsday blog created their own Whalewolf as a creature of the Apocalypse back in 2011. Son of a beehive.

I shouldn’t get my panties in a pinch; Sharktopus (2010) was coined by Futurama in 1999, long before the ratings winner turned up in a feature “film.”

So here’s how Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf goes down: “When a mad scientist mixes the genes of a killer whale and a wolf, it creates the Whalewolf, and it’s up to Sharktopus to stop it.”

I recently came up with Snoa Constrictor and even designed a fake movie poster for it, only to find out Adventure Time got there first. Flippin’ flap. I better brew up some Chamomile tea so I don’t get further stressed out.

The Devil’s Hound

The DVD cover says this 2007 movie is called Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound. The directors who made it call it Lycan. Pick a neck and bite it, people.

Almost as if making it up on the spot, the script goes from serious werewolvery to slapstick comedy. Not sure either works, but I was duly entertained by the artful graphic gore. Less so by the plot/dialogue.

A female werewolf shows up in a crate of fireworks and gets loose into the general public with the intent to start a family (i.e., have fuzzy sex). A pyrotechnician gets his hand bitten by the she-wolf and incrementally changes into one himself, much in the same fashion Jack Nicholson did in Wolf (1994).

The female werewolf runs on all fours but attacks on two legs. She’s covered in long white hair and her face is all squinched up as though she just drank some Zima™. In human form she’s a second date worthy redhead with a wincing foreign accent. Alas, she does not “de-fur,” if you know what I mean.

The comedy bits border on annoying (just like me after one or nine beers), but the production values are fairly accomplished for having a budget of my paycheck before that asshook FICA dude gets its hairy paws on it.

Sort Of But Not Really A Werewolf

The chomped-on remains of bums and socialites with matching shoes lead two detectives to slummy buildings in the South Bronx where they discover a pack of wolfy creatures hiding out in-between people snacks. Using Hippy-Scope™ technology, we get to see the colorful and swirly point-of-view through the wolves’ eyes.

The cops set up night vision telescopes in opposite buildings to catch these creatures with their fur down. When one officer aims his scope at his partner across the street, that good choice for a partner flashes him his bare badge. Seeing a B.A. through a night-vision telescope is pretty funny. I’ll have to remember that.

This timelessly hilarious pratfall ends abruptly when Office Pants Down is attacked by the creatures. Too bad – he seemed like a fun guy. When we finally get to see what’s been doing all the killing, it turns out to be real wolves.

Seems the angry animals are pissed because of the poverty poor environmental conditions and are exacting their revenge via an Indian chant or something. This was OK, I guess, and Wolfen (1981) is a creative twist on the werewolf theme. But sometimes you just wanna see a guy in a hairy suit.