UFOs Exposed, Town of Ghosts, Artistic Wolf Man

A recent headline on the LiveScience.com website: “Flying Saucers to Mind Control: 24 Declassified Military & CIA Secrets.” Talk about click bait — I haven’t been that hooked since I came across “Supermodels of the Serengeti Want To Meet You.” (Warning: they require a credit card number. Internet love doesn’t come cheap.)

Included in the dossier-busting article by Elizabeth Peterson and Denise Chow are previously-guarded government secrets, including Project 1794 (initiated in the 1950s, a team of engineers were tasked with building a flying saucer-type aircraft capable of traveling at supersonic speeds at high altitudes), Project MK-Ultra (a secret and illegal human research program examining the effects of hypnosis, biological agents and drugs, such as LSD and barbiturates, on human subjects), Project Grudge (a short-lived program launched in 1949 to study unidentified flying objects), and Acoustic Kitty (in 1967 the CIA spent millions of dollars in an attempt to train domesticated cats to spy on the Soviet Union.) Your tax dollars hard at work.

While there’s even more UFO and espionage stuff, my fav is The Kidnapping of the Lunik, where in the 1960s, there was CIA-led mission to “borrow” a Soviet lunar satellite for just one night. One evening, undercover CIA agents convinced the truck driver, who transported the satellite from city to city, to get some rest at a nearby hotel and leave the satellite in their care, the documents revealed. They then “borrowed” the Soviet orbiter — taking it apart and photographing its components — before putting it back on the truck. Gotta give the CIA serious props — that sounded like an epic beer-fueled college frat prank. 

So while you click on over to LiveScience.com to read about more UFOs and undercover house pets, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as cool as the CIA basketball squad stealing the Soviet’s team mascot… 

THE MANDALORIAN SEASON 3 / March 1, 2023 (Disney+™)

“The journeys of the Mandalorian through the Star Wars galaxy continue. Once a lone bounty hunter, Din Djarin has reunited with Grogu. Meanwhile, the New Republic struggles to lead the galaxy away from its dark history. The Mandalorian will cross paths with old allies and make new enemies as he and Grogu continue their journey together.”

I’ve watched all the Star Wars series spin-offs and The Mandalorian is arguably the best, thanks to the jaw-dropping cinematic monster creatures (Mud Horn), awesome spaceships (Gozanti-class Assault Carrier) and glowing flashlights (sold under the brand name of “Light Sabers” at Kalevala Home Depot™). For my Imperial credits, Andor and The Book of Boba-Fett are also right up there in Star Wars’ exotic Universe, of which I would like to live or vacation every Mandalore’s full moon of Concordia. (No sunblock needed, but you will need Tookas repellent.)

GHOST TOWN / March 7, 2023 (VOD)

“The story is set in 1877 Arizona, where a drifter takes a job as a barman. After a series of bizarre and horrifying deaths, he finds himself the target of suspicion. Desperate to escape the noose, he is soon at the center of a supernatural mystery that plagues this town.”

No noose is good noose — heh. FYI: I applied for that job as a drifter/barman. My resume must gotten lost in the pony express as I never heard back. Too bad — I have vast experience being both.

STALKER / March 24, 2023 (VOD)

“Rose Hepburn, a young horror actress, returns to her empty hotel. Forced to use the old freight elevator, it jolts to a halt on the 12th floor, leaving her trapped with an unusual stranger. Left with no phone signal as a storm approaches, tensions escalate and suspicions rise when Rose discovers the identity of the mysterious man is Daniel Reed, a camera operator who is seemingly obsessed with her.”

This one stars professional wrestling icon, Bret “The Hitman” Hart. This automatically puts Stalker in the running for an Academy Award™.

BLACKOUT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A fine arts painter is convinced he’s a werewolf wreaking havoc on a small American town every full moon.”

Well, heck — when else is he gonna do it?

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Werewolf Posing

Wolf Moon (aka, Dark Moon Rising/2009) is another Twilight (2008) cash-in, this time using a hunky drifter who is really a werewolf instead of a pasty face pin-up vampire. Amy, the small town’s hottest chick, falls for the guy.

Not surprising given that everyone else around the out-of-the-way desert town is a greasy douche bag. No, this guy is sensitive, has muscles (which he used to save her from being sexually assaulted by an aforementioned DB), and drives a smokin’ hot car.

That he’s a man wolf means he gets a little crazy every 30 days, as well. But he craves human flesh instead of ice cream or gummi bears. Meanwhile, the locals are in an uproar as their livestock and some of their tax-paying citizens are being torn apart. And you know what happens when townsfolk get riled up — just ask Dr. Frankenstein.

When Dan does the wolf-up thing, he jumps around and howls at the moon and pretty much looks like a lycandork. But Dan’s wolf dad, an ex-cop whose been chasing him, and the local MILF sheriff and agitated townies are about to come face-to-hair.

There’s more lovey-dovey scenes than gut-ripping. There’s a lot of swearing and Viagra™ jokes instead of gut-ripping. There’s more werewolf posing than gut-ripping. A werewolf flick should always have more gut-ripping than smoochy scenes. 

Unprotected Werewolf Sex

In the werewolf movie Animals (2008), Jarret, a life loser, comes back to the grimy small industrial town of Breaking Rocks For A Living to break rocks for a living. He can’t make it to work on time, drinks too much and starts bar fights. Sucks to be Jarret — until Nora, a drop dead, hot sexpot comes into the roadhouse bar he hangs out in, and puts it on the glass.

The sex they engage in is the kind Jarret’s only seen in 3-for-a-$1 DVDs. She’ll do it on the top of a car, a kitchen table, the ceiling, and seems both insatiable and restless, convincing Jarret to leave this crap hole town. Mind you, this was right after she bit him, infecting Jarret with a newfound appreciation for all things animal.

Then Vic, Nora’s extremely temperamental ex-boyfriend/flesh-eater and a supernatural werewolf who has ravenous appetites for all things ladies and meat, which he considers one in the same.

A showdown between Vic and Jarret has both growing razor teeth and morphing into ethereal werewolves. Up to that point, there was decent face-lacerating, slippery blood, liberated boobies, kitchen sex…

Then they have to go and wreck my entire world (and by extension, yours) with poorly designed digital werewolves. The fight is brief, not even coming close to the promise of two lycanthropes trying to make hamburger out of each other. At least there’s the “sex in the alley,” “sex on the kitchen counter” and “sex on the chair” scenes to replay. If you prefer that to computerized werewolves, that is.

Rubberized Werewolf

The Feeding (2006), makes no attempt at a plot: six college students set out to camp in the woods, smoke illegal drugs and have outdoor sex. A werewolf lives in the woods. Two game warden officials track it before it can eat the students. That’s all there is. Pffft — there’s more plot on the ingredients list on a box of werewolf-flavored oatmeal.

The werewolf, it is theorized, moves from state to state, eating all the animals until someone takes notice. Then they go out, shoot a rogue bear or penguin, thinking that was what consumed all the wildlife. The werewolf moves on, letting some other hairy stink beast take the blame and the bullet.

Besides being an irresponsible criminal, this werewolf has a plastic head and a perma-growl etched into the rubber. The facial features don’t move, let alone have any slobbering and/or action chomping articulation. So bad is this costume, the filmmakers decided it best to blur the screen whenever the werewolf shows up. Smart move.

The only thing weaker than the werewolf is the plot, dialogue, special effects and DVD box art. The box art on oatmeal is pretty cool, though.

A Family of Teeth and Fur

In the painfully low-budget Blood (1973), a highly impatient Dr. Lawrence and Regina Orlovsky, a pseudo aristocratic couple, travel by some sort of boat from 1899 Europe to 1899 America in order for Lawrence to continue his doctor-esque research. Assisting is Carrie and Orlando, a married couple. Orlando doesn’t have legs (“accident”) and Carrie, whose right leg is infected by something…icky. She doesn’t have long to do the two-step. Also on board is the cadaverous and mute Carlotta, whose being used as food for Regina.

Turns out Lawrence is the son of Lawrence Talbot, the Wolf Man. And Regina is the daughter of Count Dracula. And they’re in America to check on his inheritance (which is running out), and to cultivate carnivorous plants that produce a serum that Larry injects into Regina every time she starts to melt from being out in the sunlight. Doesn’t help that Regina is constantly melting, whining and complaining, and is pretty much a spoiled vampire.

Going by the name of Lawrence Orlovsky, he shows up his attorney’s office, demanding a look-see at the books. Turns out the “lawyer” has been embezzling from the inheritance and funneling the cash into shell companies that go bankrupt, but pay off directly to his own pocket. Warning: do NOT try and steal from a guy who could bite your face off and crap it out on the neighbor’s lawn.

The very cute and single Prudence Towers works as the lawyer’s assistant and spills the books to Lawrence during a graveyard visit to pay respects to his wolfy dad. (And no, the headstone was not shaped like a fire hydrant.) Even though he’s married, he uses his animal charms to lock lips with Prudence amongst the romantic graveyard. Their clinch is busted by Petra, an old non-hygienic woman with rotted teeth, who is the cemetery attendant. She knows Larry’s dad’s secret. And she knows his secret as well, using it to blackmail money and/or jewels from the Orlovskys, which she’ll hopefully use to buy toothpaste.

The man-eating plants are growing out of control. Carrie’s leg needs to be chopped off. Regina cuts off the hand of Petra, who showed up demanding extortion funds. Prudence is sucked dry after a jealous Regina finds out about the mortuary make-out session in the dead zone. Lawrence can’t take the pressure and wolfs up, demanding they all abandon ship and head back to Europe, setting fire to everything to cover their tracks. This does not work for Regina and she gets her fang on to do battle with her leg-lifting husband with flame-y flames heating things up.

An odd yet oddly intriguing movie, Blood feels like a thrown-together mess, but the ending is one of those moments of genius that only makes sense once you sit through the entire thing. P.S. Don’t go near the cannibal plants — just ask Orlando and Carrie’s legs.

Monster Guide, Halloween on Halloween, Evil Stuff

For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)

From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”

Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…

THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”

How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.

10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”

Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…

LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”

Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.

I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”

[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?

Wailing Wolf-Man

If you’ve seen 1964’s Face of the Screaming Werewolf and walked away confused as all heck, you’re not alone — Screaming Werewolf, made from parts of several different movies (La Momia Azteca/1957 and La Casa del Terror/1959), is a screaming mess, beside the fact it would’ve been better titled as The Screaming Werewolf Face. (Personal preference.)

The movie starts out with doctor-esque archaeologist guys hypnotizing a psychic chic (psy-chic — heh) who life regressions herself as a sacrificial Aztec test dummy. This leads the history dudes to an Aztec pyramid, where they discover and bring back a two mummies (but no daddies — heh). Right here we have several problems — one of the crusty corpses is the sacrificed Aztec gal and the other a regular guy who happens to be a werewolf. How an American werewolf ended up mummified in Mexico is just part of this “movie’s” abstract premise. (Must’ve been a heckuva booze cruise, though.)

So they bring the mummies back and a mad scientist, whose lab is located through a secret door in the back of a horror wax museum, applies volts to jolt the man mummy back to life. With only a meager supply of electricity, the experiment fails. Nature steps in, supplying lightning and one heck of a utility bill. Prior to the power-up, his face looked he fell asleep in a bowl of pancake batter. And because it’s a full moon, his moon-beamed mug becomes covered in fur where there was no fur before. Nothin’ left to do now but go on a choking spree.

The werewolf runs out into traffic and doesn’t bark at even one car. Then he makes a girl faint, throws her over his shoulder like a sack of pancake flour brought to market, and climbs up the side of an apartment building, all the while being climb-pursued by one of the scientists. Then the werewolf climbs through a window and comes all the way back down to the street using the stairs. (He probably didn’t want to wait for the elevator.)

Meanwhile, the Aztec mummy comes back to life and goes after the psychic woman. The werewolf, now slingin’ a different chick who really put up a fight and even smashed a decorative vase over the monster’s head, brings her back to the wax museum. I have no idea why. The scientist throws chemicals around like holy water, starts a fire and battles the werewolf. Somehow the werewolf is bested and catches fire, which makes him turn back into man form, his shirt still buttoned tucked in as if prepping for a school photo. The cops show up to dismiss the numerous “werewolf” sightings as just a simple case of a man burning on the floor in front of them.

The werewolf looked werewolf-y enough, but his upper fangs were grimy and his lower fangs Pepsodent™ bright. He wore a belt to hold up his freshly ironed britches and kept shoes on the entire time. They were neatly tied. Didn’t know werewolves to be such fastidious dressers. Too bad the filmmaker didn’t follow suit. (Heh.)

That ’80s Werewolf

The 1989 werewolf movie Night Shadow has more problems than just its super lame name. In human form, the werewolf is a drifter who looks like he spent the night under a cactus along the desert highway he trolls for victims. And he never utters a single word though the entire movie and just glare stares at you until you’re hypnotized. Or bored. (Growls don’t count as words, they’re just one long syllable.)

A big city news reporter gal comes back to her home town on vacation just as bodies and half-eaten parts are showing up like highway litter. Then there are three young guys who joke their way through the whole thing, all with bad mullets and mid-drift tank tops. (Those things were outdated the minute they went on sale.) The Asian member of the trio happens to be a martial arts expert (and motel fix-it dude) and Bruce Lees several bikers who are trying to have a romantic moment with a screaming biker chick in one of the rooms.

What does this have to do with the werewolf? I’m still trying to figure that out. And speaking of, the woolly bully makes his first fully formed moment one hour and seven minutes into the 90 minute flick. When he makes with the fur, he looks like a sheep that needs to be sheared.

The werewolf in human form has been staying at the roadside motel and stalking the big city girl, attempting to put her under his leash. (When he stares long enough, lightning bolts flash around his eyes. Wish I could do that. Then I’d be a millionaire or something.) He keeps maggot covered body parts snacks in the dresser where neatly folded clothes and/or local magazines go.

The local sheriff, whose hot for the city chick (they almost smooched, for cryin’ out loud), ends up in a face off with the werewolf in an abandoned warehouse. The kung-fu kid, who was being blamed for all the maggot-y chew bones, comes to the aid of the sheriff, whose deep in the doghouse with this non-speaking wolf-man.

Painful ‘80s hairstyles, day-glo clothing, Valley girl dialogue, and overly furry werewolf costume. Night Shadow is totally fer sure non-bombdigity.

Punk Ghosts, Bear Traps and Real Werewolves

Been making a few videos to post on my new YouTube™ Channel. Three are promo clips for this here blog thingie and one is about UFOs, which are REAL by the way. Click HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE to be dazzled by the visuals.

While I’m on the subject, here are some brand new and upcoming horror visuals to rub your eyes on…

TEENAGE GHOST PUNK (available now)
Life changes for a cheerleader named Amanda when her family moves to an old Victorian house outside Chicago. Weird things happen in the new house: knocking sounds, strange guitar riffs in the rain and unexplained messes. A quirky medium and a bumbling paranormal investigation team search for answers but are scared away an unseen force.”

Sounds like my apartment, except I’m not a ghost (yet). When I play my guitar, the neighbors like it so much, they pound on the wall to keep time with my music. I’d like my neighbors if I didn’t hate them so much.

DARK SIGNAL (June 2, 2017)
Deep in the heart of the isolated Welsh valleys, an eerie hush spreads throughout the deserted wilds. On lookout for her boyfriend and left trembling in the middle of a secluded forest, she quickly realizes she is not alone. With her is the vengeful spirit of a murdered girl.

And this is why I don’t go wandering around Welsh valleys. I hear those things are loaded with vengeful spirits. (A ghost, not a bottle of mean booze, though that would make being lost less of a priority.)

COUNTRYCIDE (2017)
“A woman is lost, alone in the woods with a bear trap on her leg. It is a matter of survival as she must combat the elements, her pain and predators of both the two and four legged variety.”

Is this the same woman from the above paragraph? With a bear trap clamped on her leg, we probably won’t be seeing her any time soon on Dancing With The Stars.

BONEHILL ROAD (2017)
“Bonehill Road is an homage to classic monster films like The Howling and An American Werewolf In London. In some ways, it is a throwback to the films we grew up with…the real horror movies that we all love so much, and in another way it is a modern horror flick that uses old school techniques, including Practical Monster Effects. NO CGI at all here. Our goal is to make an exciting, scary monster movie with some really cool werewolves.”

This is being crowd-funded as we speak. A few thoughts: Great title. Secondly, about flippin’ time we got a new werewolf movie. (The last good one I saw was Howl back in 2015.) And bonus points for making the werewolf real and not a sucky digital version. A computer-generated wolf-man is right up there with EDM on the suck scale.