Archive for Wal-Mart

Giant Seafood, Superhero Overdose, Percentage Vampire

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster

Clicked across a recent news piece about a North Wales fisherman finding the claw of a giant lobster. My first thought was, “Finally!” Experts theorized the claw belonged to a monster lobster that measured over three-feet in length, weighed more than 17 lbs., and was over 50 years old.

Lobzilla

I theorized it was part of Ebirah, the giant lobster from Godzilla vs. The Sea Monster (1966). Godzilla ripped the claw off Ebirah and beat him with it, then tossed the shelled appendage out to sea, where it floated around for 51 years and ended up in North Wales, where it was recovered by that lucky fishing dude. (Man, I wish I was a lucky fishing dude.) He took pictures, then ran to the store to get 10 lbs. of butter to dip it in.

I’m pretty sure I’m right. So while you’re trying to decide if you agree with me, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not smell fishy…

Dark Side of the Moon

DARK SIDE OF THE WOMB (available now)
“Ed is a dwarf who falls in love with a large woman named Linda. When Linda is murdered by her ex-boyfriend-turned-killer-clown, Ed mutilates her corpse with a kitchen knife and climbs into her womb to be ‘born again’.”

This one sounds seriously messed up. Whoever came up with this idea for a horror movie needs therapy. Whoever watches it needs therapy. My appointment is at 6:30PM if anyone wants to join me.

Ghouls

GHOULS (aka, Vurdalaki/December 2, 2017)
“A Dracula-esque baron seeks to conquer his long-lost half-vampire daughter, while a very modern-looking 18th Century official tries to save her.”

Dracula-esque. Best descriptive term I’ve heard since “imitation crab.” So this sorta Dracula has a half-vampire daughter. Two questions: Which half does she need to put sunblock on? Secondly, is her cocktail of choice a Bloody Mary or an Amstel Light? I’ll have to consult a very modern-looking 18th Century official. I think he works the garden tool aisle at Wal-Mart. P.S. Found this on Amazon Prime™ as Vamps.

Avengers: Infinity War

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR (May 4, 2018)
“Four years after the events of Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, the Avengers, torn apart after the events of Captain America: Civil War, join forces with the Guardians of the Galaxy to battle Thanos, who is trying to amass the Infinity Stones for a gauntlet that will allow him to inflict his will on all reality.”

I count 17 superheroes on what is the first of likely dozens of movie key art posters. Disappointingly, I’m not on there. You know me as an ill-mannered blog reporter by day. But at night, I’m Yell Man. My neighbors are well aware what my super power is. And by the way, I know where the Infinity Stones are — they’re in the Cosmic Entity aisle at Wal-Mart. (They need Triple AAA batteries, which are conveniently located next to the check-out counter. Well played, Wal-Mart.)

Abruptio

ABRUPTIO (May 31, 2018)
Les Hackel is a guy down on his luck who wakes to find an explosive device has been implanted in his neck. He must carry out heinous crimes in order to stay alive while trying to identify the mastermind manipulating the now twisted and strange world around him.”

The explosive device implanted in my neck is my head – ha! As the for the twisted and strange world, he’s clearly in Wal-Mart.

Super Cars, Rocket Scientists, Evil Elves

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Justice League

More key art designs for the upcoming Justice League movie (November 17, 2017), this time side profile mug shots of everybody except Superman. I guess they don’t want to give away the fact that Super Dude is coming back from the dead for this one. (He died at the end of 2016’s Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice after tripping on his cape and falling in front of a more powerful locomotive. Tragic.)

Justice LeagueAs expected, the first wave of cross merchandising in advance of the highly anticipated Justice League movie starring Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Aquaman, The Flash and Cyborg rolls in with action figures and, quite neato, Hot Wheels™ character die-cast cars. (Crossing fingers for Justice League tissue holders.)

Justice League

While the first series of Justice League cars came out in 2012 for $20.00, the new JL Hot Wheels™ cars (releasing November 1, 2017) are the same price, but are cooler. For instance, the Batman car uses echo location instead of GPS. The Superman car is immune to fender benders. The Aquaman car runs on clam nectar. The Flash car comes with its own speeding tickets. The Cyborg car’s real name is KITT (If you’re old enough, you’ll get that joke.) And if you try and look under the hood of the Wonder Woman car, you get a slap on the face.

Justice League

While we wait for these affordable choking hazards, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies and documentaries that don’t even have their logos on lunch boxes…

Chasing Flying Saucers: The Stanton Friedman Story

CHASING FLYING SAUCERS — THE STANTON FRIEDMAN STORY (available now)
“Are flying saucers real? For the past 40 years, Stanton Friedman has been the world’s foremost investigator and lecturer on the UFO phenomenon. He is credited with breaking the famous Roswell UFO case and is a leading expert on the procurement of government UFO documents. This is his story.”

Stanton Friedman’s been my go-to UFO guy for years. For one thing, he’s a former rocket scientist (but makes more bling on the fringe speaking circuit). Secondly, the guy seriously does his research and comes to the table with a stacked deck of facts, the first being that UFOs are real and that we’ve been Air BnB’d by extraterrestrials. Friedman should know; he’s the guy who pulled the pants down on that whole Roswell conspiracy. This isn’t a movie, but anyone wanting to make a UFO flick should watch this. And those who already have made UFO movies, watch Chasing Flying Saucers and go back and re-do everything from scratch.

Beyond The Trek

BEYOND THE TREK (available now)
“A deep space mining vessel has been adrift for two years. It is suspected the crew brutally killed each other, but the reason for the bloodbath is unknown. A rescue crew is sent to find if there are any survivors, what happened and why, but what they discover might make them destroy themselves and the world.”

A Wal-Mart™ version of Star Trek Beyond (2016). So much so, they even patterned their characters after our favorite team of galaxy exploring/laser shooting pioneers — Space Bonanza.

Buckout Road

BUCKOUT ROAD (October 7, 2017/International Black Film Festival)
Buckout Road might be known as the most haunted road in New York State, but nobody really believed it…until now. A college class project on modern mythology turns deadly when a trio of students discovers a series of horrific urban legends surrounding Buckout Road may actually be true. The deeper they dig into the road’s dark, mysterious history, the more dangerous their quest becomes. From witches burning at the stake, to backwoods albino killers, to a modern, unstoppable stalker.”

Gotta be careful with saying this title at box socials, just like “Shiitake” mushrooms and “shih tzu” dogs. (I’m still trying to live down “coccyx”.) As for a “modern, unstoppable stalker, what does that mean — someone who relentlessly follows you around all the time? If that’s the case, then my mailman qualifies.

The Elf

THE ELF (November 7, 2017 (VOD)/December 5, 2017 (DVD)
“Nick is haunted by night terrors stemming from a tragic murder he saw when he was young. After inheriting an old toy shop, Nick discovers a cursed elf doll sealed inside an ancient chest with a naughty list of his family’s names written on it. He soon discovers that the elf was an evil conduit meant to unleash a supernatural killing spree during the Christmas holidays by whoever set it free.”

Christmas horror certainly isn’t in short supply this season, what with Better Watch Out and Red Christmas leading the charge. Last year was pretty good, too, as Krampus (the anti-Santa) was unwrapping skin left and right. And in A Christmas Horror Story (2015), the elves were zombies. I deem that cool. Thought this might be the year of rabid reindeer, but I’ll just have to put that one on my Christmas list for next year.

Vampire Princesses, Serial Killers, Chick Robots

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Last Vampire Princess

I’ve long known that the National UFO Reporting Center is located in Davenport, right here in Washington State, just shy of a five hour easterly drive from where I’m lounging around in my unmentionables. Thought it might be cool to call them up and chat about all things unidentified and/or flying. Didn’t have any sightings to tell them about, just wanted to see what’s up with UFOs these days. (269 reports in February — down from 310 in January. Maybe flying saucers aren’t beer-running as much now that Amazon Prime™ delivers right to your styrofoam fridge.)

Here’s their number in case you want to report an alien invasion: (206) 722-3000. Or if you don’t have a phone (social misfit), visit their website at www.nuforc.org. They do important work.

And on an unrelated topic, here are some identified new horror movies landing soon near you…

THE LAST VAMPIRE PRINCESS (March 16, 2017/UK – 2017/2018 U.S.)
“Pasha is a delivery boy for an express delivery service in Moscow. One evening he is delivering a parcel to a hotel, when he witnesses an attack on a mysterious guest of the hotel named Dana. Pasha steps in and saves the girl from her attackers, who possess amazing, supernatural powers. Representatives of secret intelligence agencies arrive on the scene of the incident and proceed to offering Pasha a job in the top secret Department D that deals with evil spirits, performing daily accounting and control of all the non-human creatures that live in the city, such as poltergeists, goblins and mermaids.”

Man, this one sounds cool. I wanna work for Department D — might be my only chance to hook up (heh) with a mermaid.

The Abduction of Jennifer Grayson

THE ABDUCTION OF JENNIFER GRAYSON (March 28, 2017)
“Kidnapped after spurning a man’s advances, a young woman slowly falls for the charms of her captor. He eventually sets her free, but is he the serial killer the police have been hunting for? Only Jennifer Grayson can help them stop him once and for all.”

Not a fan of serial killer horror movies. They’re like the karaoke of violence. That, and since we see this stuff all the time in real life and at the grocery store, who really cares?

Sheborg Massacre

SHE-BORG MASSACRE (April 19, 2017)
“When an alien fugitive crash lands into a local puppy farm and begins turning people into mutated robot killing machines with a taste for puppy flesh, Dylan and Eddie, two self-proclaimed political activists, are all that stand between the Earth and total domination. Forced into a ‘dare to be great’ situation that neither are prepared for, the two BFFL’s must fight their way past cops, city officials and cybernetic dog butchers in order to destroy the evil Sheborg and save the planet!”

Puppy flesh?!? What’s for dessert — a Kit Kat™ candy bar made out of a real cat? Pretty ballsy to use that as a plot device, given the billions of dog and cat owners that would serial kill you for even insinuating harm towards an animal.

Rock Paper Dead ROCK PAPER DEAD (2017)
“After 10 years, serial killer, Peter ‘the Doll Maker’ Harris returns as a ‘cured man’ to his ancestral family home after being released from the state’s hospital for the criminally insane. Once inside the old house, anguished memories from a tortured childhood and ghostly visitations from his past victims shake Peter’s resolve. It isn’t until lovely young Ashley enters his life that Peter makes a fateful decision, one that will rekindle old desires that always ended in murder.”

This one was supposed to come out in 2016. Seems like a long time ago and feels like anguished memories. So yep, YET ANOTHER serial killer movie with a plot that appear to have come from a Wal-Mart clearance sale. Hope there’s a return policy.

And because I missed your birthday/Christmas/anniversary/bar mitzvah/misc., here is yest another cool new Kong: Skull Island poster, just for you…

Kong: Skull Island

Our TVs Are Filled With Horror

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

It’s been a banner year for horror/sci-fi TV, the nightly news notwithstanding. While I’ve dipped my couch into stuff like The Strain, Preacher, Van Helsing and Outcast, due to there being only 24 hours to a day, I was only able to watch 1,825 hours of quality genre programming. Doesn’t scratch the surface of what’s out there. That established, here’s a few 2016 horror/sci-fi viewing habits…

THE WALKING DEAD
Like it or double love it, season seven’s opener was one of the all-time jarring shockers of this or any other year, setting the bar unreachably high on all out line-crossing torture porn. New hammy villain Negan (rhymes with “vegan”) makes season three’s Governor look like a Wal-Mart™ door greeter.

Fear The Walking Dead

FEAR OF THE WALKING DEAD
Barely made it through season one. Then I watched the season two opener and walked away from it. Too many unlikeable characters in implausible circumstances. The zombies, ironically, are the most believable aspects of the show.

Stranger Things

STRANGER THINGS
By far and away THE best new horror/fantasy series hit of the year. A monster called Demogogon exists in an alternate dimension called the Upside Down. (I’ve been visiting there every since discovering alcohol.) The darn thing gets into the regular dimension and all mystery heck breaks loose with pre-teens — and the magnificent Winona Ryder — Scooby-Doo’ing the heck out of said mystery. P.S. The Upside Down would be a great name for a dive bar.

American Horror Story: My Roanoke Nightmare

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: MY ROANOKE NIGHTMARE
Like goat cheese on pizza, this season did not work at all. The problems? Start with the first episode and end with the last one. I’ll give ‘em props for trying to mix a reality show premise with found footage. But there’s a reason why reality shows and found footage suck. And the muddled, no questions answered season end was indeed a nightmare. P.S. Lady Gaga was vastly underused this season.

Ash vs Evil Dead / Stan Against Evil, From Disk ’Till Dawn

ASH VS. EVIL DEAD
As amazingly corny, campy and killer as you’d expect. Why didn’t they think of doing a TV series years ago? (Ash should’ve been elected president.) The evil dead still have it in for Ash after all these years. Good for us. Not so good for him.

STAN AGAINST EVIL
Stan Miller, a grizzled, forced-into-retirement redneck sheriff, Archie Bunker’s his way through an inexhaustible stream of demons stinkin’ up his New England town. One great crack after another: “My shirt smells like low tide at A**hole Beach,” and “Ever been beaten with a bag of oranges?” An easy and obvious successor to Ash.

FROM DUSK ‘TILL DAWN
On its third season, the Gecko Brothers really flesh out the franchise’s storyline and take it to new extremes with a shocking (and satisfying) amount of blood and violence. Pushing the boundaries of censorship, TV vampires have never looked this nasty cool.

The Exorcist, The Returned, Channel Zero, Salem

THE RETURNED
One of the quiest, unsettling and beautifully creepy made-in-France eight-episode series (based on a French movie of the same name) in 2016. Will make you rethink what a zombie is/should be. Don’t worry about moving your lips to the sub-titles; there’s not a lot of wordings. Or screamings. As I said, quiet.

THE EXORCIST
Who knew they could take one punchline and make a tense and nervewracking TV series out of expunging demons from beleagured souls every week? Looks fun. Wonder if I can schedule an exorcism appointment for myself? My stupid health insurance probably won’t cover it, though.

CHANNEL ZERO
A tooth monster. Yep, you read me right. There’s a monster made of human teeth in this slow-burn awesome SyFy Channel™ original series. The show has bite. C’mon — how could I not say that? The joke was sitting right there.

SALEM
Tried to get through the first season of Salem a while back. Even with plenty of icky, gnarly witches and the demonic gunk/insects drooling/crawling out of their orifices, was not able to emotionally invest in it, which is why I haven’t pursed it in subsequent seasons. Probably should should go back and recommit to evil and see where the show takes me.

Of the sci-fi superhero stuff, watched most but not all. (Looking in your direction Arrow season 5 and D.C.’s Legends of Tomorrow.) Speaking of Arrow, his famous line before shooting criminals in the chest with his name always says, “You have failed this city…” At the beginning of season 4 his girlfriend attempts to make him breakfast. He looks at it and says, “You have failed this omelette…” That’s not just funny, it’s dang funny.

Anyway, here’s what else I warmed the couch cushions to…

Supergirl, The Flash, Gotham

SUPERGIRL
Season 2 episode (“Changing”) is where Supergirl gets drunk — on one drink — and her Black-Ops step-sister tells her she’s driving her home. Supergirl: “Well, I’m sure not flying!” I LOL’d over that one. Supergirl gets smacked upside the “S” in almost every episode, sometimes by space alien criminals instead of delicious adult beverages. I’ll give it to that super cutie — she can take a punch. Just not from the punch bowl. Heh.

P.S. Digging the crossover stuff, like when The Flash showed up in Supergirl’s world. Her day job boss at Catco (media conglomerate), not knowing who Flash is, named him The Whoosh. Priceless.

THE FLASH
Turns out there’s hundreds of Earths, each one accessible with the help of a user-friendly meta-human. This means more Flashie knock-offs, more meta-criminals, more storylines and more opportunities for the Flash to get beaten up every time he slows down. Quite nifty they’re invoking Flashpoint (time-travel and the Butterfly Effect) from the cartoons. Even still, a bit on the lightweight side. It’s not like I can change the channel or anything. Wait a sec…

GOTHAM
Pleasantly graphic and unflinchingly violent re-imagining of the classic Dark Knight universe, with a pre-pubed Bruce Wayne (not quite Batman) sporting a bat-a-rang for Selina Kyle (Catwoman as a street kid), the Penguin (criminal turned mayor — there’s a stretch), Edward Nygma (Riddler), Joker (killed off way too soon, but coming back somehow), Poison Ivy (played by three different plant species), and a D.C. sampler of legacy super criminals (Mr. Freeze, Mad Hatter, Hugo Strange). Despite all these tasty elements, it’s police detective Jim Gordon and Bruce’s now-legal guardian/servant Alfred (cast as a former member of the the British Special Air Service) who are the standout ass kickers here.

Daredevil, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Luke Cage

DAREDEVIL
Season one was good at establishing Matt Murdock — blind and struggling public defender — as a serious defender of justice with the business end of his fist. Season two’s storylines were better developed, but it’s the all-out slobber-knocking fight scenes, which often leave Matt a candidate for emergency medical attention, that leaves one’s mouth agape. Simply agape.

AGENT’S OF S.H.I.E.L.D.
This was a personal fav, but the storylines are jumping around like meta-frogs. Finding it interesting that Marvel and D.C., both of whom boast superheroes with the same abilities (Green Arrow/Hawkeye, The Atom/Ant-Man, Flash/Quicksilver, Hawkman/Angel, Aquaman/Sub-Mariner, El-Diablo/Human Torch), are using similar terms, if not story lines with Hive/H.I.V.E. It’s kinda like comparing apples to, um, windows. Heh. And an Aussie beer swillin’, womanizing, obnoxious Ghost Rider? Brilliant.

LUKE CAGE
Best surprise hit of the getting-crowded-by-the-minute superhero TV series. Luke, first introduced in Jessica Jones as her “friend” with mattress benefits, returns as a super smooth, reluctant, big city neighborhood hero impervious to artillery and sharp stuff while dispensing much-needed street justice with super strength, all against a backdrop of current day Harlem. (You’ll forget you’re watching a contemporary show and not back in the ’70s. An excellent homage to Shaft.)

Besides being a top-notch African-American superhero, the show’s music, performed in a criminal’s nightclub with today’s artists (Raphael Saadiq, Charles Bradley, Faith Evans, The Delfonics and more), is beyond groovy. I could easily dance to it. That’s MY super power. (Yeah, I prefer metal, but that’s where I let my neck dance.)

P.S. And why the flip is there not a second Jessica Jones season? Do I need to go all Daredevil on someone’s decision-making process?

P.P.S. And where the flippin’ fudge is iZombie season three? The CW’s™ website says it’ll be a two-hour season premiere on Tuesday, April 4, 2017. Get your cookbook ready for more brain-eating recipes.

Wal-Mart Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Search For The Beast

In Search For The Beast (1997) – part of the Bigfoot Terror box set – there’s a mysterious creature running loose in Okaloosa, FL — and it looks uncannily like a guy in a Wal-Mart™ gorilla costume.

A local wealthy businessman lost his son to the mythological monster and funds an expedition to hunt that big-footed sucker down and shoot him for what he done. Dr. David Stone is leading the expedition, which includes a van full of fat ass rednecks packing semi-automatic rifles and a hot blonde.

Search For The Beast

Splitting up and searching for the beast (must be how they came up with the movie’s title), we get to see a young gal – who doesn’t look that different from Sasquatch himself – rinsing off her boobs in a waterfall. Then we get to see hippie hillbillies doing a Deliverance-style song. Then we get to see the “beast” pop in and out from behind trees, showing off his white chest and growling like an empty stomach.

Search For The BeastAt first nightfall the doctor, who looks more like a fat, bearded beer drinker, pitches a tent with the blonde. The next day everyone splits up and looks for the costume, uh, monster. A double-cross ensues and the wealthy businessman’s hired guns take over — and take the girl. The doc is smacked thusly upon the head and tied up and left for beast bait. That pisses off Wal-Marty, and he goes all aggro on the hunters.

Search For The Beast

The rest of the movie is everyone getting killed by, or running away from, the monster. But the most laughable scene comes when a redneck teen bends his girlfriend over a foldable camping chair and starts makin’ bacon. The beast comes out of the woods, pushes him away and starts drivin’ the train. The girl, of course, just rolls with it, like getting porked by Bigfoot was an every Saturday night occurrence. Maybe in Okaloosa, it is.

Search For Bigfoot

In summation, Search For The Beast isn’t just the worst Bigfoot movie ever made, but also an insult to gorilla costumes everywhere.

Ouija Boards and Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Platoon of the Dead

Platoon of the Dead (2009) may not be the worst zombie movie ever made (pretty close, though), but it does have the worst explanation for the zombies: five teens resurrecting an evil entity via a Ouija Board™, which popped out and turned the dead into the undead. I would’ve bought anything from tainted Cheetos™ to a Republican agenda, but a game board you can buy at Wal-Mart™ for $10? And given the sub-standard special effects (rubber body parts, plastic machine guns that shoot “lasers”, peanut butter blood), that’s about how much they spent on the entire movie.

Platoon of the Dead

Three marines – a wussy private, an insubordinate sergeant, and a heavy metal long hair lieutenant – find themselves behind enemy lines as well as being the lone survivors of a zombie army ambush raised by the evil entity. Yes, these military zombies carry guns.

Platoon of the Dead

Cornered in an abandoned house, a battle with plastic laser rifles ensues, with animated light bursts being shot all over the place, with only a few finding their mark. (Note: Never in the history of the military has there been anyone with hair longer than a five o’clock shadow. Clearly, this hippie is NOT a true member of the Armed Forces.)

Platoon of the Dead

Very little gore, and what entrails do make an appearance are not even close to being believable; When two zombie kids trap a big-boobed woman in the basement, it’s all she can do to keep from laughing as the children “rip” open her stomach while she lays absolutely still.

I figured out why the zombies in this “movie” all wore gas masks – they didn’t want anyone to know they were starring in this festival of crap.

Undead Cinderella

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 13, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Cadaverella

Cadaverella (2007) is a trailer park re-telling of Cinderella (1950), with the wicked stepmother being a step-stripper, a ghost dad, a romantic guy in a wheelchair and a voodoo entity that seems like a pretty cool guy. He doesn’t do anything evil; he just creates situations where evil  can hit the fan. I wonder if he has a Facebook™ page?

Cadaverella

Any ol’ way, Cinder is a redhead virgin about to turn 21, where she’s due to inherit a pile of cash from her late father. The step-stripper mother, though, has designs for said cash and hires/beds a tough guy as a “gardener” who is obsessed with having sex with, then killing, Cinder. He does this.

Cadaverella

Cinder, though, with help from the voodoo guy, is resurrected from the beyond and gets a shot at revenge by giving her until midnight to go revengin’. She initially does this topless, which is required by back-from-the-dead law.

Cadaverella

You know how as a kid you’d go around squeezing the brains out of your little brother/sister? That’s what Cinder does to step-mom. And the psycho guy gets his right in the gut bucket.

Cadaverella

Cinder looks like a Wal-Mart™ version of your sister and has really nice shirt stuffers. Before she dies, she gives below-the-equator hand and mouth massages to her wheelchair-bound boyfriend. That is so thoughtful. Oh, and she cusses a lot. Dead or alive, you’ll really want to go out with her. Unless she’s your sister. In which case, eewww!