Heavy Metal Godzilla, Partying With Bigfoot, Zumba Your Demons

For those breathing toxic air in Japan (last time there, I came down with itai-itai, or “ouch-ouch”) who’ve seen Godzilla: Planet of the Monsters (2017), the happy slobber-inducing feature-length anime, two things your life depends on knowing.

First, they changed the title from Godzilla: Monster Planet (thereby embarrassing my cheeks red for reporting it as such).

Secondly, a sequel has already been green-lighted/green-lit and already put into production, called Kessen Kidou Zoushoku Toshi (May, 2018). This abstractly doesn’t translate to Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla Monster Planet. (G’Zilla may not be actually versusing Mechagodzilla, but why else would Mecha-G be there, to direct traffic?)

They better not change the title on me or I will become so fukōna sawagi.

The sequel premiers in Japan movie theaters in May of 2018, so it’ll be some wait later it gets shown here on the telly. Until that time and space arrives, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that better have the correct titles…

EXORCISM OF THE 7TH DEMON (available now)
“After a possession led to his daughter’s suicide, Michael has made it his mission to save others from the same fate. Struggling with faith and purpose, he takes on Satan’s army and the demons that seek his demise.”

Didn’t see the first six exorcisms (aka, not drinking for almost a week). Sobriety, like a demon, is evil, man.

WHERE BIRDS DON’T FLY (available now)
“A serial killer leaves a trail of brutality in San Bernardino, California and it is up to a team of hardened detectives to try and catch him before more innocent lives are taken.”

I think this came out on DVD (a shiny flat 8-track) earlier this year, but available now on VOD (invisible 8-track; can’t tell if its shiny). So EVEN MORE movies about serial killers — like we don’t have enough in back stock in real life.

INOPERABLE (December 1, 2017/limited theatrical run)
“A young woman wakes up in a seemingly evacuated hospital with a hurricane approaching. She realizes the storm has awakened malevolent forces, trapping her in a time loop. She must escape the hospital before the storm passes or she will be trapped in its halls forever.”

Sounds like Groundhog Day (1993) with the possibility of more blood gunk. These time loop themes are pretty fun. Look to The X-Files’ “Monday” (1999) for an excellent example. Then try Run Lola, Run (1998), Triangle (2009), Haunter (2013), and the under-rated Edge of Tomorrow (2014). Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom. (I keep getting this odd feeling I’ve done that before.)

CHEROKEE CREEK (2017/2018)
“A bachelor party in the woods gets crashed by the ultimate party animal.”

Calling Bigfoot a “party animal” is pretty dang funny. Not sure why a bunch of dudes are having a bachelor party in the woods. Seems like Las Vegas or The Poggie Tavern might be better choices, what with their relaxed rules on soiling oneself in public due to an overdose of alcohol fun. But hey, If I had the choice, I’d party in the woods as well, what with the possibility of getting drunk with Bigfoot. That’d be pretty sweet.

Alien Ranchers, Ghost Tours, Orc Police

According to the New York Post, the “alien-infested” ranch (located in Rainbow Valley, about an hour or “60 minutes” west of Phoenix, AZ) is on the market for a mere $5,000,000.00. Chump change, in other words. Why would I dare say that? Who wouldn’t want aliens dropping by for a sittin’ down gabfest?

Known officially as Stardust Ranch, this extraterrestrial pit stop is where land owner John Edmonds insists he’s engaged in “I know you are but what am I?” confrontation with hostile aliens, whom he dispatched with (wait for it)…a Samurai sword. Edmonds said that in the past 20 years, he has experienced many “strange events” involving aliens and claims to have killed more than a dozen extraterrestrials on his sprawling ranch. (He even has alien bloodstains on his front porch to prove it.)

Sound familiar? It should — this is practically a direct lift from Sherman Ranch, aka Skinwalker Ranch, located a few rock throws from southeast Ballard, UT. The story was the basis for the Skinwalker Ranch movie, released in 2013. That one not only had not-so-neighborly aliens trespassing through land mines of cow/horse patties (yo, space dudes — you ever hear of wiping your feet?), but UFO sightings (duh — the aliens had to get there somehow), crop circles (see “cow/horse patties”), ghosts, glowing orbs and even a Bigfoot-esque creature. (In the movie it was a werewolf.)

So ridiculously enticing is this place, it was purchased (or “bought”) by the National Institute for Discovery Science to “study anecdotal sightings.” I should like to apply for a job with the National Institute for Discovery Science.

While they process my 400-page résumé, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not leave animal business tracks on your carpet or “floor”…

THE UFO CONCLUSION (available now/VOD)
“What is the alien agenda? And why has the government gone to such great lengths to stifle the overwhelming evidence that otherworldly creatures exist? Some of our greatest minds unveil the truth behind this massive cover-up.”

Don’t need a massive mind to know the existence of aliens has been covered up by REPUBLICANS for decades. Still, nice to see somebody besides a drunk redneck talk in complete sentences about extraterrestrials.

RAVENSWOOD (available now/VOD)
“When four American tourists go on a ghost tour, they get much more than they bargained when the spirits of an evil doctor and his last victim trap them in an old abandoned psychiatric ward.”

Um, when you go on a hot dog farm tour, you pretty much expect to see hot dog trees, yes? So it stands to reason a ghost tour is gonna have some transparent entities. They better — I’d hate to pay all that money and not see one. (I’m looking in your direction, Hot Dog Farm Tours.)

INCIDENT IN A GHOST LAND (October 28, 2017)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. Sixteen years later the daughters reunite at the house — and that is when things get strange.”

So they give away mom was killed, simply by telling us the intruders were “murderous.” Thanks, jerks. Wonder if mom’s ghost comes back to see her daughters when they go back to the murder house?

BRIGHT (December, 2017/Netflix)
“In an alternate present day, humans, orcs, elves and fairies have been coexisting since the beginning of time. Two police officers, one a human, the other an orc, embark on a routine night patrol that will alter the future of their world as they know it. Battling both their own personal differences as well as an onslaught of enemies, they must work together to protect a young female elf and a thought-to-be-forgotten relic, which, in the wrong hands, could destroy everything.”

They had me at the forgotten relic that could destroy everything. Word around the grocery aisles is that the budget for this Netflix™-made movie is $90 million fun bucks. Pffft — I could make TWO movies for that price and STILL have enough left over to take a tour of that Hot Dog Farm.

Happy Horror-days, East Coast Aliens, Irish Witches

Finally someone jumped on the holiday horror genre and did a book on ’em. With Christmas horror movies coming out every other day, hard to froth up my holiday attitude. But Yuletide Terror: Christmas Horror on Film And Television (releasing December, 2017/ Spectacular Optical) has your/our/my back.

The press release is mega long, so I just included this section: “Yuletide Terror collects over 20 essays and interviews that will deck your halls with insightful looks at all your festive fright favorites, including the BBC’s A Ghost Story for Christmas anthology series and contentious 1980s Santa slashers like Silent Night, Deadly Night. Unwrapping the true meaning of films featuring everyone from the Krampus and Scrooge to killer snowmen and evil elves, Yuletide Terror is a comprehensive look at TV and cinematic holiday horror from around the world, and includes a compendium including nearly 200 Christmas horror film reviews.”

Now THAT sounds like a perfect addition to the porcelain library. Mind you, this is a crowdfunded project and is a word selfie. Don’t let that dissuade you from buying it. People need to know what a dick Santa Claus is. (In your red face red guy; I told you there were consequences in not getting me that Batman costume with candy-loaded utility belt when I was young-ish.)

While we start applying eye drops in anticipation of reading this book, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movie and documentaries to strain your vision…

THE GRINN (available now/VOD)
“A man awakens in an empty house that he is unable to leave. Battling fatigue, injury and amnesia, and guided only by a cryptic voice on his phone, he begins piecing together fractured memories of the events that led him to be trapped. With a terrifying presence confining him inside the house, he ultimately discovers a truth more horrifying than he could have ever imagined.”

Somebody’s watch Saw (2004) too many times. Or not enough. Not sure there’s a difference. As for the truth of a terrifying presence, it’s probably a mirror, because that’s what The Grinn feels like.

INSIDE BEN (available now/VOD)
When a man faces his fears, he realizes agoraphobia isn’t his biggest problem. The surprise ending will leave you in awe!

Big statement – hope they can back that up. Then again, Inside Ben did win a 2017 award as an official selection at the International Hotel Horror Fest. I care not for that. I want my foldable pocket money to actually be usable for something other than sparkly toothpaste (it sparkles!) and Sasquatch plaster foot cast ashtrays. (P.S. I don’t smoke. Those things just look cool and make me happy for some reason.)

INVASION ON CHESTNUT RIDGE (available now/VOD/DVD)
“Aliens. Hair-covered beasts. Mysterious lights in the forest. Giant birds. What do they all have in common? This new documentary film makes the case that a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania is their home. The terrifying ‘invasion’ comes in the form of various phenomena that have been seen by ordinary people living in the area since the 1800s.”

The claim all these monsters and phenomena originate from a mountain range in Southwestern Pennsylvania seems like a way to stretch 20 minutes into an hour and a half (kinda like watching golf matches on TV). Pennsylvania might be hard to spell, but they’re cool. I’d like to point out that the Pacific Northwest is home to lots of paranormal things, like Bigfoot, UFOs, giant octopuses, me and…gasp!…volcanoes. We’re surrounded by those spooky things. Let’s hope they’re duds — don’t tempt fate by climbing one and throwing a cigarette butt in the crater. (I’d do it, but like I said a few sentences ago, I don’t smoke.)

CRONE WOOD (2017/2018)
“After only meeting the night before, a young couple enter the woods of Ireland and discover that not all of the country has left its Pagan roots behind.”

They’re not pagans, they’re enthusiastic drinkers. Big difference, though both consort with witches. Heh. The kicker line says it’s a terrifying blend of Blair Witch and The Wickerman, ironically two of the not-even-being-close-to-terryifing horror movies.

Monster Guide, Halloween on Halloween, Evil Stuff

For those of us who still know how printed books work (no swiping left or right required), you might wanna swipe, uh, I mean, purchase the just released The Frightfest Guide to Monster Movies (Dark Heart of Cinema), written by longtime horror movie critic and Fangoria writer/editor, Michael Gingold. The price? A mere $24.93 with free shipping from Amazon Prime™. (If you live in England Town and order from Fabpress.com, it’ll set you back 20£ or “quid”. (Translation: $26.38 U.S.)

From the book’s press release: “Celebrated writer, editor, and critic Michael Gingold traces the history of the genre from the silent movies all the way through to the present day. From Universal Studios legends such as Frankenstein’s Monster and the Wolf Man, to the big bugs, atomic mutants and space invaders that terrorized the ’50s, to the kaiju of Japan and the ecological nightmares of the ’70s and ’80s, to the CG creatures and updated favorites of recent years — they’re all here.”

Guess I’ll have to raid the quid swear jar and get a copy. There might not be enough shillings in there, so time to start cussing like an Irish longshoreman at last call. While I practice yelling “shite” at the top of my lungs, here are a few recently released and upcoming horror I swear you may or may not watch…

THE INVOKING 3: PARANORMAL DIMENSIONS (available now)
“Hundreds of disturbing paranormal events occur every year. Most of these terrifying encounters go unreported – until now. Enter the disturbing world of The Invoking 3: Paranormal Dimensions, where the undead come to wreak havoc upon the living. Grim Reapers, evil poltergeists, satanic forces and conjured spirits will feed off your fear and drag you into the abyss of waking nightmares.”

How this movie isn’t about alcohol abuse is beyond me. I see this stuff ALL THE TIME whilst excessively imbibing.

10/31 (October 31, 2017)
“A new horror anthology in the vein of V/H/S (2012) and Creepshow (1982) brings an ensemble cast together to spin twisted tales of the macabre. The poster is by Travis Smith who’s designed artwork for Metallica, Slayer, Avenged Sevenfold, Opeth and others.”

Cool poster. Hope the movie is as good. I like anthologies as my attention span is dwindling by the…

LIVE EVIL (October 31, 2017/Amazon/VOD)
“When a small college town police station is besieged by ‘Evil’ on a sleepy Halloween night, Pete, the sheriff, and Hancock, his loyal deputy, are thrown into the middle of holy chess game that could destroy the town, and possibly the world.”

Shouldn’t that be UNholy chess game? Why would Evil play a holy game? That’s like playing golf with bowling balls.

I REMEMBER YOU (November 10, 2017/DVD/VOD)
“After a woman hangs herself in a church, a new psychiatrist discovers she was obsessed with the disappearance of his eight-year-old son, who vanished three years earlier. Meanwhile, three city dwellers are restoring a house when they realize it is haunted, and a mysterious child named Bernodus, who disappeared 60 years earlier, is discovered as the link between the two groups.”

[Disclaimer: Already brought this to your attention a few months ago. This is the updated U.S. key art and a whole new pithy commentary.] Who names their kid “Bernodus”? Is he Greek? Are the names Jacob Marley or Casper not spooky enough? And why would a woman hang herself in a church? What, tying a rope around your neck and stepping off a wobbly stool not sufficiently religiously offensive?

The Lure of Mermaids

The Lure (aka, Córki dancingu) is a movie about topless mermaids that let their pontoons float freely. How else do you think they can stay buoyant? Geez.

Both mermaids fall for a Land Man, thereby open to dating outside of their species. Must be pretty desperate. Either way, time to start hanging out at the aquarium. Before you slap on a wet suit and go for a swim though, here’s the lure…

“A pair of carnivorous mermaid sisters are drawn ashore in an alternate ’80s Poland to explore the wonders and temptations of life on land. Their tantalizing siren songs and otherworldly aura make them overnight sensations as nightclub singers, but after one sister falls for a human, the bonds of sisterhood become severely tested.”

Horny mermaids that can harmonize as well as lure men to their watery graves? Gonna call it: BONUS! At any rate, you can see this Polish horror fantasy flick February 1, 2017 on IFC Midnight (VOD).

If gals who smell like fish get you motor boatin’, give 2014’s Killer Mermaid (aka Nymph) a hook. That one’s a real snapper, what with the mermaid (and about several hundred of her school friends) giving Jaws a run for his sand dollar.

Possessed By Demons and Bigfoot

Really liking the advent of VOD (video on da’spot). It allows me to watch all the horror movies I want without having to sit in a movie theater with a bunch of jerks who won’t share their popcorn or red vines. Those jerks.

Here’s what’s coming up on VOD. And no, you can’t have any of my popcorn…

HUNTING GROUNDS (February 7, 2017 / VOD)
“After losing their home following a devastating tragedy, a father and son are forced to move to an old family cabin. Neither reacts well to being thrown into this new world. The son’s attempts to relate to his father are complicated when two old friends arrive for a weekend of hunting. This trip into the forest will unearth not only buried feelings of guilt and betrayal, but also a tribe of Sasquatch that are determined to protect their land.”

Dysfunctional family. WHO CARES?!? This should be about Sasquatch’s plight of whiny b*tches who keep showing up on his lawn.

THE COVENANT (February 7, 2017 / VOD)
“After the tragic deaths of her husband and daughter, Sarah Doyle moves back to her childhood home with her estranged brother, Richard. It’s not long before Sarah begins to experience supernatural phenomena of a violent and hostile nature. Bewildered and desperate, Richard enlists the aid of a paranormal investigator who confirms that Sarah has become possessed by a powerful demon. Together, the three men will go to battle to save Sarah’s soul.”

I’m thinkin’ about becoming a paranormal investigator. Employment opportunities all over the place with movies like this that have the SAME PLOT as the hundreds before it.

BORNLESS ONES (February 10, 2017)
“Having just moved to a remote home near an institution to better care for her brother Zach, Emily invites a few friends over to help her unpack. They soon discover strange symbols etched into the boards on the windows. In an effort to clean the house they clear them away, soon realizing the gravity of their mistake as they one by one become possessed by an evil force.”

Wonder what they used to wipe off the evil symbols? I’ve been using those Mr. Clean Magic Erasers™ on the ones all over my apartment. Man, those things can clean anything.

THE UNTAMED (aka La región salvaje / released May 2016 Mexico / Norway, Sweden 2017)
“A couple in a troubled marriage locate a meteorite, initiating an encounter with a mysterious creature. Their lives are turned upside down by the discovery of the creature, which is a source of both pleasure and destruction.”

A creature that’s the source of pleasure and destruction? In the States we call that a spouse.

Ghosts, Gore and Gods

A mixed bag of horror, sci-fi and adventure fantasy up-n-comers as of right now this dang minute. You may proceeed…

ABATTOIR (out now / UK – December 9, 2016 / US (VOD)
“A real estate reporter unearths an urban legend about a house being built from rooms where horrific tragedies have occurred. The investigation ultimately leads to the enigmatic Jebediah Crone and the answer to the terrifying question, “How do you build a haunted house?”

To build a haunted house with intent you’ll need plenty of polter-plywood and supernatural sheetrock for starters. When you’re done, you’ll need to put it up on CraigsList™ as deferred rent for ghosts to make it more haunt-y. (Spirits won’t pay because banks don’t allow the dead to have active checking accounts. Stupid neighborhood lending institutions.)

LAVENDER (2017)
“Jane, a photographer, is forced to come to terms with her mysterious and tragic past after a horrendous car accident robs her of her memory. Along with her husband and daughter, Jane returns to her childhood home to regain control of her life. It’s there she must confront a mysterious lurking force and grapple with a past that continues to haunt her.”

Not buying it for a mysterious and haunted second. First, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know that’s her husband and daughter? Could be actors for all she knows. Secondly, if Jane lost her memory, how does she know where her childhood home is and why it haunts her? The filmmakers need to rethink this entire thing. (Note to whomsoever made this movie: I have a new script ready to go. Like you, it only took me 12 minutes to write.)

THE DARK TAPES (2017)
“A radical horror anthology. Five smart, original stories, each one more terrifying than the other.”

So does “radical” mean “favoring, supporting, or representing extreme forms of religious fundamentalism,” or “bitchin’”? For my sake I hope it’s the latter. This is played-out found footage fare, so probably neither.

THOR: RAGNARÖK (2017)
“Thor returns to Asgard when his home realm is threatened by the Ragnarök, which is the Norse apocalypse.”

A slight stretch to call this horror or sci-fi. (Asgard, Thor’s gated community, combined magic with science eons ago. I believe they now call it “scagic.”) But hey, however much adventure horror/sci-fi it is (or isn’t), the movie is said to feature monster-esque non-Earthers and the Mjölnir, that awesome hammer Thor thor-ows around (heh). Can you imagine, though, if Thor was accessorized with a magic screwdriver instead? How embarrassing to the other Nine Realms would that be?

P.S. Attempt to not confuse this one with Ragnarok, a 2013 Norwegian horror movie in which an archaeologist digs up mysterious runes describing Ragnarök, the Viking legend of the end of the world, and accidentally awakens a giant monster. Oops to that.

Camera Killers, Teen Angst Ghosts, Satan’s Better Halves

The horror movie flood tides continue to rise, with EVEN MORE releases lining up to un-line your coin purse…

PLAYING WITH DOLLS: BLOODLUST (November 1, 2016 / VOD)
“A group of aspiring actors are chosen for a reality horror TV show. In the show, they must survive being chased by a killer. The program is filmed with scores of tiny cameras in a cabin and the surrounding forest. What the contestants don’t know is that this murderer is a real killer and the television program is a ruse.”

The sequel to Playing With Dolls (2015), wherein a serial killer is decommissioned by an institute for the criminally insane, presumably to go back to his day job. The new one, though, has a much more clever twist. Tiny cameras? That’s flippin’ amazing.

SHUT IN (November 11, 2016)
“Mary is a widowed child psychologist who believes she’s being haunted by the disturbed foster child Tom, who ran away while under her care. The haunting episodes take place in Mary’s deserted New England home where she tends to her stepson who is in a permanent catatonic state following a car accident.”

So is Disturbed Tom a vengeful ghost or just a “kid at risk” candidate? And since when is a house deserted when there are people living in it? Color me confused.

THE SIMILARS (November 15, 2016 / VOD)
“On the rainy night of October 2, 1968, eight people waiting in a remote bus station for a bus heading to Mexico City start experiencing a strange phenomenon. Threatened by paranoia and fear, the strangers show the best and worst of themselves as they try to unravel the mysterious condition that is invading each of them like a virus.”

I liked this better when it was called The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street (The Twilight Zone, episode #22 / aired March 4, 1960). Exact similar plot. Word to your mother.

BRIDES OF SATAN (pending crowd-funding)
“Brides of Satan is a cinematic love story to the early exploitation films of the 1960s, The grindhouse revenge thrillers of the 70’s, and the apocalyptic punk rock 1980s. It’s a kitchen sink, genre f*ck – of action, B-movie and horror, featuring a gang of unlikely anti-heroes & heroines. Recommended for fans of Kill Bill (2004), Faster Pussycat Kill Kill (1965), Natural Born Killers (1994), and Death Wish (1974). Project is currently 1/4 into principle photography – we Need YOU to help COMPLETE this modern revenge thriller!”

As of today (October 31, 2016) Brides of Satan has only raised $1,368 from 14 backers on Indiegogo™. With 17 days left on the green mile clock, it might be an economic pipe dream for them to hit their target of $66,666.66. That number seems familiar for some reason and… Oh, I remember – that’s my phone number. P.S. Lend them your bit coins HERE.

Zombies, Demons and Santa

The hardest part about shoveling my way through the Internet (or “world  wide web”) is finding potential brainertainment (fun times for your frontal lobe) and then never actually getting to see it. I chalk that up to Republicans.

Regardless of that particular crushing disappointment, I’ll continue to slip on my digital hip-waders and go fishin’ for your/my/our horror super fun happy times. To that…

ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE (out now)
“Fifteen years ago a peaceful Christmas neighborhood was engulfed by fear when five-year-old Jamie Garrett was mysteriously taken from her bedroom, never to be seen again. Now on Christmas break, Rachel Kimmel comes home from college to find her neighborhood struck again by a reign of terror. A violent killer is hiding behind a grisly Santa mask, leaving a bloody trail of slaughtered women and castrated men on the steps of the Garrett house. Rachel finds herself in a horrifying nightmare as she discovers the twisted secret behind the mask.”

After countless Christmas horror movies, Santa – however evil or f’d up – isn’t scary anymore. I’ll still watch this (man, I just don’t know why), but if you want some seriously f’d up Kris Kringle action, put Krampus (2015), Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale (2010), and Sint (2010) on the ’ol Victrola.

THE MONSTER (October 6, 2016 / DirecTV; November 11, 2016 (VOD / Limited)
“Mother and daughter trapped and tormented in a black forest by a screeching creature – it is unlike anything heard before. Not human. Not animal. Like a thousand horses, like a mother’s clamor, a baby’s wail, a father’s howl. Only a mother’s protective love, her most primal instinct, can save her daughter from what’s lurking in the darkness.”

Screeching creature. Sounds like an ex-wife. Or soon-to-be ex-wife.

DAY OF RECKONING (October 8, 2016)
“The story begins fifteen years in the past when the world suffered a horrific global disaster when millions of demon-like creatures ascended from the bowels of the earth, swarming the entire planet, and feasting on mankind for one full day. This event became known as the Day of Reckoning. A less-than-perfect husband and father tries to save his broken family from the return of the demon-creatures in modern day Los Angeles.”

It appears they took the premise of The Purge (2013), replaced the fake monsters with real ones, and are covering this slaughter salad with a tangy gory dressing. Crud – now I’m hungry.

ZOMBIES (October 21, 2016)
“A virus leaves the world in shambles and plagued by blood-thirsty zombies. Will Luke and his crew have enough strength and ammunition to stay alive long enough to outlive the undead?”

A virus? Really? They couldn’t come up with something even slightly original, the title notwithstanding? It’s annoying enough ANYONE is making YET ANOTHER zombie movie. But to rely on a plot device so overused it could have come from 99% of every other zombie movie since Night of the Living Dead (1968)? And I thought I was lazy when I throw my slipper at the TV channel to change it.

P.S. I don’t really wear slippers. I meant to say flippers. Hey, they’re suprisingly comfortable. Who knew?

Monsters, Deadites, Aliens and…The Tall Man

A few more notable horror movies/TV events I felt compelled to clog your eyeballs with: Gnawbone (indie creature feature), Ash vs. Evil Dead Season 2 (dancing in the streets), Aliens 30th Anniversary (with a billion extras) and a 4k remastered version of Phantasm. (Put my picture above the description of the word “glee.”)

Releasing October 2016, Gnawbone features no CGI creature, but rather a much preferred man in a monster suit. If the trailer is any indication, it fits him well. Here’s a plot to chew on: “A boy that witnesses something that takes the life of his grandfather. Thinking that the traumatic event created a false memory, a psychologist wants the now 21 year old young man to face his fears by trekking into the woods. With the help of friends, he might be able to process these memories and come to terms with that scared little boy. Or is that memory actually the truth…”

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say it’s the truth.

The first season of Ash vs. Evil Dead was classically brilliant, massively entertaining and the best dang TV show in the history of ever. And I say that without hyperbole. Here’s what’s in store for Season 2, which premiers on Starz™ October 2nd at 8:00pm ET/PT: “ Since Season One, Ash has been living it up in Jacksonville with his loyal sidekick Pablo and the revenge-filled Kelly. Season Two kicks off with a double Deadite battle royale interrupting the party; Ash is forced to return back to his hometown of Elk Grove, Michigan…and as always, Evil follows him.”

I’m so happy I think I just downloaded.

Up next is the 30th anniversary release of Aliens, critically regarded one the best horror/sci-fi sequels ever made. This version comes with a Nostromo sized pile of extras. That’s the good part. The bad part is a Nostromo sized pile of this content has already been released in the The Alien Legacy collection, which I’ve purchased about seven or eleven times. But hey, it’s your bit coin, so spend away. Here’s another tidbit to help you loosen those purse strings: An all-new cover was created exclusively for this 30th Anniversary Edition. That’s exclusively, people.

As Oscar™worthy horror movie franchises go, I’m pant-fillingly excited about the September 24, 2016 theatrical re-release restoration of Phantasm (1979) in glorious 4k. I don’t know what 4k means, but I can only assume it means double awesome. Add one more scoop of awesome when its released on VOD on October 7, 2017.

You remember Phantasm, right? “A young boy enlists the aid of his older brother and an ice cream man to investigate the mysterious deaths plaguing his town. He soon learns that at the heart of all the death is the terrifying Tall Man.”

This bland press blurb doesn’t even come close to the mind-bending awesomeness therein. But you already knew that, right?