Archive for virgin

A Monster’s Monster Truck

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Monster Man

Two guys head cross country to attend a wedding. One is a wussy, the other a beer-gutted loudmouth. Along the way a truck straight out of Mad Max (1979) attacks and almost kills them in half. They get back at the truck by peeing in the driver’s seat at a gas station. (This is a long set-up and I simply do not have the time to go into detail about it right now.)

Monster Man

Later, they pick up a scorchingly hot chick in fishnets and loose top whose hitchhiking to nowhere. The loudmouth makes his play, but she’s into the nerd and later de-virginizes him. Four times. But the monster truck is back on their trail and smashes their red station wagon into a Texas pancake.

Monster Man

The loudmouth looks like he got killed by the driver whose mutant face appears to be taped together by industrial staples. The hot chick and nerd find a run-down house and in it a corpse who doesn’t have a stomach cavity, yet can still talk.

Monster Man

The nerd discovers it was all an elaborate trap to get him inside the house as the chick is the mutant monster man and talking corpse’s sister. She’s also a witch, whose spells has kept the corpse alive and yappin’ until she could find another body for her brother.

Monster ManMonster Man (2003) is freakin’ funnier than all heckaroo. The loudmouth has a ton of great lines (“Dude, I’m a corpse burrito!”) and the chick (who shows one of her boobs — she has a spare) is dripping with hotness. There’s tons of squishy gore, a couple of pencil jabs to the eyes, a town full of amputees (that plays into the story line and are not there for gratuitous reasons) and talking roadkill. And even though it has pee stains, I totally want to drive Monster Man’s truck. You would, too, if only you’d watch this movie.

That ’60s Torture Porn

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism (1967) has been released so many times it has six different titles, one of them in German. (Still waiting for the Siberian version.) Basically the Pit & The Pendulum (1961) recast as a 14th Century tale of Frederic Regula, a Count with a dandy name, whose cruel hobby is torturing anyone who dares hangs out at his dirty castle.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

You have your pit of black snakes, free-range lizards, spiders and scorpions, a bed of spikes, a few rats, and, of course, the dreaded infomercial-grade pendulum designed to split you in two for the price of one.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The town is fed up with Regula’s rec room and sentences him to be drawn and quartered. Translated: each arm and leg tied to horses going in opposite directions. The timing couldn’t be worse – Regula was on the verge of immortality and just needed the blood of one more virgin (the 13th) to complete the serum.

The Torture Chamer of Dr. Sadism

Fortunately, his man-servant sipped enough of the serum prior to being hanged. He came back from the dead, and for years scheduled his master’s resurrection, a plan that lured his captor’s ancestors back to the castle for a little torture, a little rat biting and a little blood extraction. And it’s a cool bonus each ancestor looks exactly like the ones who executed Regula. Of all the darned things.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Trying to maneuver the caves where Regula has his traps set up is a test in keeping your hair combed. But nothing will stop the professionally handsome Roger Montelise from rescuing his new girlfriend, Baroness Lilian von Marienberg. Fortunately for Regula, she’s a virgin. (Too bad she didn’t hook up with Roger a bit earlier in the movie.)

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Regula needs Lilian’s blood to be filled with fear in order for the chemical reaction in the immortality juice to do its magic. They try scaring the crap outta her, but she’s more resilient than first assessed. Soon enough, Regula gets his way and is moments from paying taxes for eternity. Roger has a different ending in mind, having escaped the pendulum and holding the one key to success. Who wins? Let me ask you this – have you been tortured by Count Regula lately? All that’s left is for Roger to put an end to all that virginity nonsense. Good for him.

Banned Horror

Posted in TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on November 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Teeth

Recently clicked across CinemaBlend.com’s Top 10 banned movie posters and was bemused by what the censors “protected” us from. I am just so glad someone has my back here. You never know what these “socially disrupting” images would do to my brain. Note to censors: no one needs you, so go to Heck.

The first banned movie poster is the ad sheet for the black horror comedy, Teeth (2007). In that one, Dawn, a virginal young girl discovers she has a second set of teeth growing where a toothbrush normally doesn’t brush. This was news to her until she was forcibly sexed by a classmate and the sudden explosion of terror and anger brought on the clampdown. (The next sound you hear is that of one million guys crossing their legs.)

Teeth

The banned poster doesn’t even come close to the chomping action, especially when she seduces her selfish punk rock brother who let their mother die while he was doing the bedspring symphony on a gal with really low standards. What happens after this sexy Dentist the Menace does afterward is one of the “holy sh*t” moments that, if you’re a guy, will stick with you for, I don’t know, the rest of your life.

Still, there was something quite familiar with Dawn’s lower smile.  It reminds me of something I once saw on Tatooine

Great Pit of Carkoon

Fair-Haired Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , on December 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Fair-Haired Child

What birthday present should you give to a 15 year-old kid who doesn’t know how to swim? A row boat, of course! And what good is a boat without a bottomless pond out back in which to not float in?

Fair-Haired Child

A Carnegie Hall husband and wife piano/cello team looses their son to the lilly pads and invokes Satan to bring him back. In order to do so, they must sacrifice 12 virgin teen girls (good luck finding that many) to Johnny, the fair-haired child in the basement.

Fair-Haired Child

Tara, an outcast at school and the last required virgin, is abducted and tossed in the cellar where she bonds with mute basement boy. Every 15 minutes he turns into a really cool looking freak creature with sticks growing out of his white bald head and an upside down cross burned into his skull.

Fair-Haired Child

This creature eats virgins and gains a bit more humanity in the process. In almost human form he tries to kill himself (hanging, stabbing), but it doesn’t work. To make matters worse, he ends up disemboweling Tara. Before dying, she writes a message in blood: “I forgive you, Johnny.” That she had nice penmanship makes him all the more anguished as he was just getting to first base with the girly girl.

Fair-Haired Child

Now he can turn into the 100% fair haired child (or, “teenager”) his folks bargained all those virgins for. But Johnny did a little wheelin’ ’n dealin’ himself, and turned the tables on his ghoulish-but-musically-talented parents. Invoking the demon thing, which looks suspiciously female, the parents are ripped to shreds. Guess who the demon is? No, guess!

Fair-Haired ChildDespite all the blood and innards and satanic stuff, Masters of Horror: Fair-Haired Child (2006)  ends on an up note – and not one that can be played by even the most accomplished of musicians. Heh.