Archive for Victoria’s Secret

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child Eater

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

Wolves at the Door

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

The Devil's Candy

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

Leatherface

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

The Transfiguration

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

Without Name

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Unborn To Be Wild

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Unborn

Strangled by his twin sister’s belly button extension cord while in a womb without a view, Jumby was stillborn — something he’s still very pissed off about.

The Unborn

His sister made it out alive and grows up to be a supermodel-worthy college hottie who walks around in Victoria’s Secret™ panties (page nine of the summer catalog/3 for $30). This is a plot device that never gets old.

The Unborn Lately, though, she’s been having real-time nightmares of a back-from-the-dead Zombie Jumby. Dumb name — he should be thankful he wasn’t born. (Note: Though dead on arrival, Zombie Jumby is portrayed to be about 8-years-old. How does that work?)

The Unborn

The neighbor kid she baby-sits keeps showing up and doing the spooky trance thing, declaring Jumby wants to be born right the screaming heck now. Then she finds out she was a twin and that her mother committed suicide in an insane asylum over Jumby’s less-than-spectacular debut. Throw in a ridiculously reaching back story involving a family curse, Nazis and a demon wanting revenge, and you have one fright-less turd of a “horror thriller.”

The Unborn

 

The chills and spook moments in The Unborn (2009) are so stock as to have been downloaded off the Internet. The Jewish (!) exorcism is so clumsy, I could’ve done a better job — and even given them a discount as business has been slow lately.

The Unborn

P.S. Do your utmost best to not confuse this The Unborn with 1991’s The Unborn, a heartwarming family horror flick about a couple who can’t have children (lucky them), but chose to go the in-vitro fertilization route facilitated by an insane doctor, which yields them a science-gone-wrong kid. Unlucky them.