Sheet-Faced, Alien Chart-Toppers, Cursed Knick Knacks

If you’re looking to break free of Bed, Bath & Beyond’s™ death grip on the sheets/blankets industrial complex, click on over to Wonderskull.com and become awash in skull horror duvets with matching pillowcases — and do away with your visually flaccid Nestwell™ Supreme Softness Plush Blankets and decorative pillows.

Wonderskull.com’s mattress-blowing selection of staggeringly artful skull duvet sets (172 and counting) will change your night life for an average price of $89.95. And with sizes ranging from US Twin to UK Super King (isn’t that the name of England’s president?), they have your bed covered. Heh.

The duvets aren’t the only things Wonderskull.com offers. Check out their like-themed area rugs, lamps and candles to accentuate your new bed clothes. And speaking of clothes, They offer a plethora of horror, steampunk, Gothic, Victorian, and witchy sleepwear and lingerie, bikini and swimsuit, to hoodies and rompers (short pants trousers). Heck, they’re so cool, you could charge people to come over and look at you.

While you’re trying to figure out where to donate your stained sheets (try Motel 6™) and turn your four-legged futon into the nightmare of your dreams, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you soil your stylishly adorned bed…

TOP 25 ALIEN ENCOUNTERS: UFO CASE FILES EXPOSED / Out now (Apple TV™)

“The recent revelation that the U.S. Government has been actively investigating UFO sightings and encounters has opened a new chapter in the pursuit of truth behind alien visitations. Top 25 Alien Encounters explores some of the most mind-blowing cases of recent times, exposing new details behind hidden secrets, suppressed evidence and cover-ups. Stunning military encounters, astronaut accounts, abductions, crashed UFO retrievals, alien body examinations, startling witness confessions, NASA’s™ subversive agenda and much more reveal a foreboding reality — that they no longer hide in the shadows, but are looming over us in plain sight.”

Pffft —my alien abduction case didn’t even make their Top 30. There’s your real suppressed evidence/cover-up.

DISQUIET / February 10, 2023 (Paramount+/VOD)

“After a near-fatal car accident, Sam wakes to discover he is trapped in an abandoned hospital by mysterious and sinister forces that have no intention of letting him leave.”

Don’t be fooled by the lackluster title and sales pitch — the trailer for this one looks like the stepchild of Resident Evil (2002) and Silent Hill (2006). And that’s a good thing.

ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA / February 17, 2023 (Theaters) 

“Together, with Hope’s parents Hank Pym and Janet Van Dyne, the family finds themselves exploring the Quantum Realm, interacting with strange new creatures and embarking on an adventure that will push them beyond the limits of what they thought was possible.”

What they’ll discover is the creature-dwelling Quantum Realm is really…the Tug Tavern. (Like you didn’t see that coming.)

FREE TO A BAD HOME / February 17, 2023 (VOD)

“The lives of three strangers — a widow, a thief and an addict — are terrorized by cursed objects and those that spread them.”

I have a bedeviled candy dish. Everything that comes out of it makes you fat.

Monster Pride, Extraterrestrial Daddy, Fondling Faeries

Cheers to Scream Factory™ for celebrating Pride Month with the re-release of The Babadook (2014) and a Pride rainbow variant of the Blu-ray cover. Not only do you get a top-shelf horror movie that came out of nowhere (okay, Australia), a portion of all sales in June are being donated to the Los Angeles LGBT Center. And at an affordable $19.95, snap ’em up quick as they’re limited to 2,500 copies.

If you haven’t seen The Babadook, here’s why you should: “A single mother, plagued by the violent death of her husband, battles with her son’s fear of a monster lurking in the house, but soon discovers a sinister presence all around her.”

Okay, so the press release doesn’t exactly inspire a sprint to the video store (whatever those are), or clicking like a madman online. But this one showed up on film critics’ best of year-end lists almost unanimously.

And while we celebrate all things Pride and Babadook-y, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be watchable by hysterical single moms with haunted kids…

DOLLS (July 2, 2019)
“A struggling children’s book author and his rebellious teenage daughter inherit a house where they find mysterious dolls in the attic, which prove to be more sinister than they first appear.”

Then don’t go into the attic. Or the basement. Or the tool shed out back. Or the bathroom after this movie takes a big steaming dump to match its storyline.

CARNIVAL ROW (August 30, 2019/Amazon Prime™)
“A Victorian fantasy world filled with mythological immigrant creatures. Feared by humans, they are forbidden to live, love, or fly with freedom. But even in darkness, hope lives, as a human detective and a faerie rekindle a dangerous affair. The city’s uneasy peace collapses when a string of murders reveals a monster no one could imagine.”

A streaming TV series, which means more binge watching, which also means more meaningful time spent on the couch. Wondering what they mean by “rekindling a dangerous affair” between a regular dude and a faerie; I’m all for it. Just think, a girlfriend with wings — you fly, I’ll buy. Heh.

AD ASTRA (September 20, 2019)
“An Army Corps engineer decides to go on an ambitious space mission to find out the truth behind the mysterious disappearance of his father, who set out on a journey to Neptune looking for signs of extraterrestrial intelligence, but never returned.”

Long way to go to get some closure on your daddy issues. Maybe he’s going off grid to keep from paying child support. Maybe Neptune’s not far away enough.

THE DAWN (2019)
“A young woman witnesses her father murder her family in the wake of World War I. Sent to live in a convent, she dedicates her life to the Lord. However, her demons follow and manifest themselves in ways which bring the nightmares of her past with her. ”

I hear there are no TVs or min-bars in convents. Bring on the demons.