Archive for Viagra

Werewolf Posing

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Vampires, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 22, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wolf Moon

Wolf Moon (aka, Dark Moon Rising/2009) is another Twilight (2008) cash-in, this time using a hunky drifter who is really a werewolf instead of a pasty face pin-up vampire. Amy, the small town’s hottest chick, falls for the guy.

Wolf Moon

Not surprising given that everyone else around the out-of-the-way desert town is a greasy douche bag. No, this guy is sensitive, has muscles (which he used to save her from being sexually assaulted by an aforementioned DB), and drives a smokin’ hot car.

Wolf Moon

That he’s a man wolf means he gets a little crazy every 30 days, as well. But he craves human flesh instead of ice cream or gummi bears. Meanwhile, the locals are in an uproar as their livestock and some of their tax-paying citizens are being torn apart. And you know what happens when townsfolk get riled up — just ask Dr. Frankenstein.

Wolf Moon

When Dan does the wolf-up thing, he jumps around and howls at the moon and pretty much looks like a lycandork. But Dan’s wolf dad, an ex-cop whose been chasing him, and the local MILF sheriff and agitated townies are about to come face-to-hair.

Wolf Moon

There’s more lovey-dovey scenes than gut-ripping. There’s a lot of swearing and Viagra™ jokes instead of gut-ripping. There’s more werewolf posing than gut-ripping. A werewolf flick should always have more gut-ripping than smoochy scenes. 

Eye Eaters

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 28, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Raiders of the Damned

Thanks to WWIII, most of the planet has been turned into a zombie-inhabited post-apocalyptic house party. That’s because slickly-named Agent X-9 (military bio-warfare chemical stuff) mutated with the war’s nuclear fall-out, causing everyone to break out into eyeball-eating zombies.

Raiders of the Damned

A helicopter, carrying the lead scientist who is mankind’s last hope of finding a cure to this icky condition, crashes in the Zombie Zone, a compound ruled by undead army guys who can talk, think, strategize and wait for fresh eyeballs to hit the market. One undead soldier even carries a spoon to scoop out the yummy delicacy.

Raiders of the Damned

Dr. Lewis, going mad after being forced to live underground for years, needs to get Dr. Wells off the zombie menu. So he pardons four badass military prisoners to go get him. If they succeed, they’re free to do what ev. If they don’t… (Yes, this is almost the same plot for Escape From New York/1981.) Using a device that allows the special ops squad to walk through walls, they breach the zombie quarantine zone, which looks a lot like Lord of the Rings’ Helmsdeep (2001), but way more digital-y.

Raiders of the Damned

They do battle with the living dead in various stages of decay, all of whom look like discount community haunted house actors. Colonel Crow commands the zombie army and he talks and talks and talks… You almost want him to put some human in his mouth so he’ll shut the hell up. Capt. Dewey Crenshaw, coming to retrieve Wells, leads his small troop, consisting of a supermodel who prefers a sword to laser guns, a big oaf called Flex (who looks like Hulk Hogan’s homeless cousin) and another chick who becomes zombie food so as to illustrate the hazards of their mission.

Raiders of the Damned

A sub-plot that doesn’t get explored is that Agent X-9 is like Viagra™ to the zombies. A captured blonde scientist thus becomes an experiment herself, with Col. Crow giving her a Dizzy Pass™ on the zombie log ride in order to see what the by-product of a human and a zombie would be. I’m guessing a film critic.

Raiders of the Damned

The zombies need Wells to halt the decomposition process. Crenshaw needs Wells to gain his freedom. Some make it out, some don’t. Except for the eyeball-scooping scene, all other limb and head severing is digital, meaning no one actually gets an arm or a head cut off. Boring.

The ending of Raiders of the Damned (2005) is both predictable and stupid and will make you feel like scooping out your own eyeballs with a dinner spoon. But don’t use a dessert spoon — it’s too small and your eyeball will likely roll off onto the floor. And yes, the three-second rule about eating stuff that’s fallen on the floor applies.

Bloody Hell, Sci-Fi Teens, Reverse Werewolves

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloody Muscle Body Builder In Hell

Here’s a neat trick — when celery stalks go limp, soak ’em in water and a short time later, stiff as if you doped ‘em up with Viagra™ and just as store-bought crunchy. Better still, soak ‘em in vodka. Get drunk and healthy at the same time. Works on carrots, too! I have no doubt that’s an original idea, I’m I’m gonna patent it. So please don’t viral my pension plan.

Speaking soaking yourself in healthy alcohol, you might need some of the good stuff to get through these just released and/or upcoming horror/sci-fi movies…

BLOODY MUSCLE BODY BUILDER IN HELL (available now/UK)
“After a surprise phone call interrupts his daily workout, beefy body builder Naoto agrees to meet his photojournalist ex-girlfriend to help with her research on haunted houses. Accompanied by a professional psychic, they visit an abandoned house once owned by Naoto’s father. But inside the house a dark secret lingers and they find themselves trapped and tormented by a relentless ghost with a 30 year grudge. Bloody Muscle Body Builder invites fans of bizarro, lo-fi cinema on a far out journey…into Hell.”

While I do like the title (I’d buy the shirt), this is also aka’d as The Japanese Evil Dead. Gotta say, I dig that, too, if not as well. This came out in 2014 (in Japan) and was described as a “cross between the 1977 Japanese horror classic Hausu (House) and The Evil Dead (1981).” Kore ijō iwanai — I’m in.

So can you see it in your own hausu? Yep — just order it from AmazonUK™ [click HERE]. It’ll set you back £7.99 (free delivery in London Land if you have Amazon Prime™). This converts into $10.35 U.S. fun coupons. To have it shipped here, though, is a bit pricey as there are import fees, triple stamps with Monarch faces on ’em, probably weird packaging and extra sticky tape, etc. So figure about $400 total just to be on the safe side.

Resident Evil: Vendetta

RESIDENT EVIL: VENDETTA (June 19, 2017)
“BSAA Chris Redfield enlists the help of government agent Leon S. Kennedy and Professor Rebecca Chambers from Alexander Institute of Biotechnology to stop a death merchant with a vengeance from spreading a deadly virus in New York.”

What the stink is going on here? Did we not just have Resident Evil: The Final Chapter in 2016? (There are six RE movies in all, dating back to 2002.) As it turns out, Resident Evil: Vendetta is an animated movie, or “CG,” which obviously stands for “cartoon gunk.” Apparently, this is the third such RE animated movie. I care not for this medium. For one thing the blood looks too “illustrated.” And don’t get me started on computer-designed entrails. If you want me to watch a movie length cartoon, make It’s The Great Pumpkinhead, Charlie Brown.

Number 13

NUMBER 13 (2017)
Northern Canada, the dead of winter, and some scientists studying a wolf pack dynamics try to anesthetize and tag a wolf. The wolf awakes prematurely and attacks, but the trapped scientist bites first. This bitten wolf is infected with a disease called ‘humanity’. As the moonlight rises, this wolf is changing. When wolves chase a naked and bloody man into their camp, the scientists are shocked. This stranger can’t talk, is lost and is freezing, but from where? The first taste of danger enters the camp when the pack of wolves reappears, now fearless. Before this full moon sets, the humans will learn both the true nature of the stranger and of their own “pack dynamics”. More importantly, they will learn the true difference between wolves and humanity — the ability to lie.”

Lousy name for a reverse werewolf movie. There were Number 13’s in 2006, 2008, 2013 (looks like a sci-fi video game with “real people”), and an Alfred Hitchcock movie that was shot way the heck back before time in 1922 and never released. None of those featured reverse werewolves. (Maybe as stage hands, but certainly not actors.) So man bites dog. In the newspaper game, that’s called a lead story. Definitely an interesting premise whether you read newspapers or not. I do for the horoscopes and the funny pages. Not necessarily in that order.

Maze Runner: The Death Cure

MAZE RUNNER: THE DEATH CURE (2018)
“In the conclusion to the Maze Runner trilogy, Thomas and the surviving Gladers prepare to face off against WCKD one last time as they fight to find a cure for the deadly disease known as The Flare that has wiped out most of the world. Friendships and loyalties will be tested and the fight against WCKD will also determine who will survive in the end.”

This one’s already done and in the grocery line waiting to be checked out. Got postponed several times over reasons I don’t give an exasperated hoot about. Saw the first Maze Runner (2014), a sci-fi teen movie based on a book of all things. Did not see the sequel Maze Runner: The Scorch Trials (2015) as it had more teenagers in it. Might have to see MR: Death Cure as The Flare disease turns people, I mean teens, into sci-fi zombies. Bye-bye future teens.