Archive for vampire hunters

Swamp Monsters, Disposable Vampires and Boobs

Posted in Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Attacked On Set

Six months of non-stop rain and dreariness. Seattle weather could qualify as its own horror movie. So why do I continue to live here instead of, say, the Atacama Desert in South America, the driest desert in the world? For one thing, I would not want sand beetles as neighbors. Too noisy.

Anyway, here’s some stay-indoor upcoming horror movies to help take your mind off the stupid weather…

ATTACKED ON SET (March 21, 2017)
“When these girls lay down, things stand up. A perfect mixture of comedy, gore and campiness with lots of boobs and blood.”

Despite having one of the worst horror movie titles (and press releases) going, I do look forward to the boobular aspect of said dumbly named flick.

Vampire Cleanup Department

VAMPIRE CLEANUP DEPARTMENT (2017)
Vampires have been haunting Hong Kong for centuries. Because of this, hidden in this city is an official special action unit coping with them — the Vampire Cleanup Department (VCD). The street cleaners out at night are actually vampire hunters, their giant garbage bins containing the captured vampires. The ordinary garbage station is their secret headquarter.”

So to get rid of vampires all you have to do is throw ‘em in the garbage? Seems too easy; do you need to have garlic-flavored garbage bags lining said can? Should you throw your silverware in the trash along with said disposable vampires? That begs the question — are vampires recyclable? Hope so. Wouldn’t be cool to have landfills overflowing with discarded vampires.

Swamp Freak

SWAMP FREAK (2017)
“Six college students go into the wetlands to find their missing professor after he takes off in search of the mythical and deadly monster known as the Swamp Freak.”

Not to be confused with Field Freak (2016), which also features a mythical and deadly creature. Maybe they’re cousins.

Mayhem

MAYHEM (2017)
“A virus infects a corporate law office on the day attorney Derek Saunders is framed by a co-worker and wrongfully fired. The infection is capable of making people act out their wildest impulses. Trapped in the quarantined building, our hero is forced to savagely fight tooth and nail for not only his job but his life.”

Time to leave the corporate world and get a job with the less violent Vampire Cleanup Department.

Rayning Blood

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 6, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bloodrayne

In Bloodrayne (2005), Rayne, a half-chick/half-vampire is liberated from a carnival freak show (spelled “carnaval” for authenticity sake), so she may continue on her quest to stab her father in the face for killing her mother.

Bloodrayne

Dad just happens to be King of the Undead and is seeking three talismans – an ashtray, lucky mood ring and a can opener – to complete the ritual that will make him a super vampire. (OK, so he actually needs an eye, a rib bone and the heart of an ancient vampire.)

Bloodrayne

Assisting Rayne are three vampire hunters who have a stronghold called Brimstone where they train and perfect vampire hunting techniques, like chest stabbing, stomach stabbing, and the all important face stabbing.

The plot stalls halfway in with a pointless and cheesy appearance by Meatloaf (they should call him Hamloaf) as a decadent vampire with a chamber full of naked chicks and a house full of party guests that partake of the refreshments (human kegs).

Bloodrayne

Limp but gory fight scenes happen every nine minutes, linked by overly complex sub-plots and clunky dialogue (“My companion seems to be missing; I do not know what has become of him…”)

Bloodrayne

The grand battle at the end with Rayne about to be dissected by Kragan is splendidly graphic in its goriness. This is good. The acting, not so good. Best part: EVERYBODY dies, except Rayne, who should give up hunting vampires while striking fashion runway poses and go back to work at the circus.