That ’80s Werewolf

The 1989 werewolf movie Night Shadow has more problems than just its super lame name. In human form, the werewolf is a drifter who looks like he spent the night under a cactus along the desert highway he trolls for victims. And he never utters a single word though the entire movie and just glare stares at you until you’re hypnotized. Or bored. (Growls don’t count as words, they’re just one long syllable.)

A big city news reporter gal comes back to her home town on vacation just as bodies and half-eaten parts are showing up like highway litter. Then there are three young guys who joke their way through the whole thing, all with bad mullets and mid-drift tank tops. (Those things were outdated the minute they went on sale.) The Asian member of the trio happens to be a martial arts expert (and motel fix-it dude) and Bruce Lees several bikers who are trying to have a romantic moment with a screaming biker chick in one of the rooms.

What does this have to do with the werewolf? I’m still trying to figure that out. And speaking of, the woolly bully makes his first fully formed moment one hour and seven minutes into the 90 minute flick. When he makes with the fur, he looks like a sheep that needs to be sheared.

The werewolf in human form has been staying at the roadside motel and stalking the big city girl, attempting to put her under his leash. (When he stares long enough, lightning bolts flash around his eyes. Wish I could do that. Then I’d be a millionaire or something.) He keeps maggot covered body parts snacks in the dresser where neatly folded clothes and/or local magazines go.

The local sheriff, whose hot for the city chick (they almost smooched, for cryin’ out loud), ends up in a face off with the werewolf in an abandoned warehouse. The kung-fu kid, who was being blamed for all the maggot-y chew bones, comes to the aid of the sheriff, whose deep in the doghouse with this non-speaking wolf-man.

Painful ‘80s hairstyles, day-glo clothing, Valley girl dialogue, and overly furry werewolf costume. Night Shadow is totally fer sure non-bombdigity.

Big Hair Sci-Fi

The last time that comet came this close to Earth, it killed off all those cute and friendly dinosaurs. Now, 65 million years later, it’s back for an encore in the 1984 sci-fi cheese classic, Night of the Comet.

When our unlucky planet goes through the tail of the maniac meteor, it turns most people into piles of pencil shavings and some into meteor zombies. Survivors include a Valley Girl with big hair who has unprotected sex with her movie projectionist boyfriend. (I think he ends up getting eaten like a popcorn/human hot dog combo deal. I lost track as I had comet dust in my eyes.)

Scientists theorize that the meteor-made zombies will soon disintegrate into pencil shavings. Until then, don’t put your hands in their mouths. Turns out, the scientists are the bad guys, harvesting the survivor’s untainted life goop in hopes to cure their impending zombie-itis. Too much dumb-assery and a ridiculous way to resolve it all in the form of Mother Nature. Science sucks.

Vampire Vs. The Valley Girl

A teen California Valley Girl discovers she’s a descendant of a long line of vampire killers. While she’d rather go shopping than chopping, an old man/mentor arrives to coach her in the ways of being a Slayer. (Someone who kills the creatures of the night, not a band member of a popular thrash metal group by the same name.)

Just in time – Lothos, the head vampire king with the worst vampire name of all time, just crawled out of the ground and is looking to kill something. And that’s pretty much the entire plot of the comedy horror lite (albeit kinda funny) Buffy The Vampire Slayer (1992).

The showdown at the high school prom is quite the knee-slapper, with Buffy using, um, more modern weapons to defeat (face stab) Lothos. (Note to the makers of fine tampons: you need a version that can be easily converted into a cross. You know, for those not-so-fresh vampire killing days.)

Pee Wee Herman himself shows up as a vampire. He’s funnier than all of ’em combined. But you already knew that.