Monsters Au Naturel, Bigfoot Pursuit, Alien Party Crashers

Paul Garner is an artist living in Brighton, United Kingdom. That pretty dang far from where I’m lallygagging. But thanks to this thing called the “Internet” (you may have heard of it), now you can view his incredible horror movie icon illustrations…and buy ’em. (Full disclosure: I recently purchased some of Garner’s art and am currently gawking at it on the wall right next to where I’m lallygagging.)

Paul’s latest series is Nudie Monsters, recasting The Mummy, Wolf-Man, The Fly and Bride of Frankenstein in eye-poppingly colorful “pin-ups”. Don’t worry — they’re PG-rated, which means you don’t have to hide ‘em under your bed. These silk board prints sell in sets of three for 25£ ($31.40 US) and measure 11.75”x16.5”. Get ’em on his Etsy shop page here. Better yet, marvel at Paul’s extraordinary illustrating skills on his website: www.paulgarnerart.com

As confessed in a court of public opinion above, I purchased the Jaws poster and just sent in an order for The Shining print. If none of these examples are to your liking (critic), you can get caricatures of Creature of the Black Lagoon, Nosferatu, Night of the Living Dead and even Ozzy Osbourne, who’s kind of a monster himself.

While you take down your Vincent van Gogh and Pablo Picasso black light posters to make room for Paul’s peerless artings, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be made better by having nude monsters in ’em…

NIGHT OF THE AXE / Out now (VOD)

“A group of young adults enjoying a high school reunion party are terrorized by an escaped mental patient obsessed with satisfying his blood lust. One by one they are made victims of the sadistic killer. Who will survive the Night of the Axe?”

Not only does it SOUND like a slasher plot straight out of late ’70s/early’80s, it IS a slasher plot straight of late ’70s/early’80s. Time spent coming up with the script? 70 or 80 seconds.

ON THE TRAIL OF BIGFOOT: LAST FRONTIER / January 17, 2023 (VOD)

“Small Town Monsters heads to the frozen vistas of the 49th state with On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier. The first 2023 Small Town Monsters docudrama features in-depth interviews with locals and a heavy focus on the Indigenous people who first called the land home. Focusing on evidence and encounters with the legendary Sasquatch, On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier aims to give audiences the most cohesive look at Alaskan Sasquatch lore.”

YET ANOTHER documentary cashing in on Bigfoot’s good name. B’foot really needs to put his big foot down on people not legally licensing his image and/or footwear.

KIDS VS. ALIENS / January 20, 2023 (Digital/VOD)

“All Gary wants is to make awesome home movies with his best buds. All his older sister Samantha wants is to hang with the cool kids. When their parents head out of town one Halloween weekend, an all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing the siblings to band together to survive the night.”

A better solution: we should send ALL our teenagers to the alien’s planet to crash their ragers. 

YULETIDE HORROR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Directed by Ethan Evans and produced by Jess Bartlett and Kieran Nolan Jones, Yuletide Horror is a feature-length documentary exploring the terrifying history of Christmas horror folklore and cinema, from Black Christmas, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night and beyond.”

And the soundtrack could be (wait for it)…wrap music.

Horror Magazines, Holiday Demons, Hellish Drugs

Was talking to a horror movie friend of mine in a bar (or as I like to call it, spin class), and ruminating over the demise of the globally prominent Fangoria horror movie magazine, which started in 1979 and ended abruptly went down the porcelain library a few years ago. They did, however, keep the website going. Meh.

Imagine me doing a faceplant as it was just announced Fangoria, under new ownership, will fire up the printers once again. What are the odds?

From the press release…

“Cinestate, the Texas-based entertainment company, has acquired all the assets and trademarks of the Fangoria brand, which includes the magazine. Also, Tony Timpone and Michael Gingold are set to return with their columns as well as consult the company going forward. Thanks to a new investment, a new Editor-in-Chief, and a new Publisher, the world’s highest-profile horror movie magazine is reemerging as a collectible quarterly with the first issue set to drop this fall in time for Halloween (2018)”.

It should be somehow noted that on December 5, 2007, a warehouse in Oregon, Illinois, which contained all back issues of Fangoria and Starlog magazines, was fired by fire. It’s common knowledge that back issues of Fangoria are not re-printed. This is good news for me as I own the entire collection (except for a few of the last few issues), all (over 300) kept in plastic with cardboard backing and stored in those cool comic book boxes. I’ll start the bidding at $1,000 — and you pay for shipping. Or come over with your checkbook, a van or front-loader, and a sixer of tall boys to seal the deal.

Not sure how a quarterly publication schedule is gonna be relevant in today’s digital second-by-second breaking horror news atmospheric conditions, though. The news would be as old as me by the time it comes out. But hey, with legacy editors on board, put me in the game, coach.

So while we wait for Fangoria’s obstetrician to arrive on scene, here’s some second-by-second breaking news about upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may belong in the porcelain library…

AWAIT FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS (2018)
“The Milgram family, who have gathered to celebrate Christmas, find a mysterious black substance has surrounded their house. Something monumental is clearly happening right outside their door, but what exactly? An industrial accident, a terrorist attack, nuclear war? Descending into terrified arguments, they turn on the television, desperate for any information. On screen, a message glows ominously: ‘Stay Indoors and Await Further Instructions”.

Ewww! — black stuff on your yard at Christmas? Is that the new coal for a year’s worth of suspect behavioral patterns, or was Santa eating gas station burritos again? Either way, this movie echoes 2006’s Right At Your Door, wherein toxic ash snows down upon your ash hole and guys in hazmat suits show up to seal you inside your blackend house with plastic tarp and all-purpose duct tape. (Is there anything that tape can’t do?) Hazmat suits are kinda neat.

ALL THE CREATURES WERE STIRRING (2018)
“When an awkward date on Christmas Eve leads a couple into a strange theater, they’re treated to a bizarre and frightening collection of Christmas stories, featuring a wide ensemble of characters doing their best to avoid the horrors of the holidays. From boring office parties and last-minute shopping to vengeful stalkers and immortal demons, there’s plenty out there to fear this holiday season.”

Either a bit late or way too early in the year for holiday movies. But hey, when isn’t it a good time to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus, our commander in chief?

WHITE CHAMBER (2018)
“The United Kingdom. Soon. Civil war rages. A woman wakes up in a blindingly white cuboid cell. Using its sophisticated functionality, her captor tortures her for information she claims not to have — or does she?”

Sounds a bit like Cube (1997), except those “rooms” weren’t white. In fact, they looked like they were painted in nice metal-flavored hues. Instead of windows, though, each room in this gigantic Rubik’s Cube™was a trap so deadly, you could end up deadly dead. Hope that doesn’t happen to the nice woman in the blindingly white cuboid cell. I vote we give her sunglasses and a couple of magazines.

DISCARNATE (2018/2019)
“A neuroscientist’s obsession with a drug that expands the human mind inadvertently unleashes a deadly supernatural force on his team.”

Gotta say —nifty movie poster. The monster looks like some sort of evil Christmas tree on which to hang tinsel and/or fully anatomically detailed gingerbread men/women cookies. As for the drug that expands the human mind, look no further than the pleasingly arranged coolers at 7-Eleven™. More so if the store clerk is wearing a lab coat.