That ’70s Zombie, Sleepy Zombies, Rural Werewolves

When it came out in 1979 (1978 in Italy), Dawn of the Dead, in eye-bursting color, featured unflinchingly graphic flesh-eating zombies, skyrocketing the genre into mainstream pop culture status. And it also butt-birthed generations of walking dead movies/TV shows, which continues to this day over 40 years later. Thanks to technology and all its science magic, you can now see Dawn of the Dead…in 3-D!

You read the words correctly — from October 28 through October 31, Regal Cinemas is showing the 3-D conversion of the groundbreaking splat masterpiece in 250 Regal venues. (Click HERE for tix) Warning: the first three rows will get wet.

In case it slipped your mind, here’s the original plot: “Following an ever-growing epidemic of zombies that have risen from the dead, two Philadelphia S.W.A.T. team members, a traffic reporter, and his television executive girlfriend seek refuge in a secluded shopping mall.” That won’t win any marketing awards, but just know that Dawn of the Dead explodes with glisten-y chewed flesh and previously-owned body parts.

While we look for some stain-proof pants to wear to the premier, here are few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as essential as previously-owned body parts…

DEAD BRIDE / Out now (iTunes™, Amazon Prime Video™, Google Play™, Xbox™, Vudu™)

“After her father’s death, Alyson, her partner Richard and their baby return to her childhood home. Following a few shocking supernatural events, Alyson discovers that she and her family have been living with a terrible curse, unleashed in the past by a bride killed by Alyson’s grandfather. Soon after Alyson’s child disappears and she has no choice but to embark on a frightening journey into the underworld to free herself from the bride’s curse and to look for her daughter.”

Note to Alyson: the entrance to the Underworld is the Tug Tavern’s bathroom, or “Portal Potty.” P.S. Wash your hands. 

SLEEP. WALK. KILL. / November 4, 2022 (VOD/Digital platforms)

“If you sleep, you become one of them. News reports tell of an Earth-shattering sound heard along the entire East Coast. Nobody knows where it came from. Nobody knows what it means. That night, people start walking in their sleep. And killing in their sleep. When the screaming stops and the blood dries, those left have to work together to stay alive. Heads will roll, eyeballs will fly, but for Edgar, Hell is still just other people. His ex-wife, his parents and all his neighbors are hiding out at his house. And they’re even worse than the flesh-eating sleepwalkers.”

Flesh-eating sleepwalkers. Does that mean the night-snackers are wearing pajamas? Do they snore? It’d be nice to get some clarification on this matter of high import. 

IN SEARCH OF DARKNESS: PART III / November, 2022 (Digital) / January, 2023 (DVD/Blu-ray)

“In Search of Darkness: Part III — the ultimate ’80s horror documentary series — is a five-plus-hour exploration of the undiscovered treasures of the VHS era. Featuring interviews with 70 horror luminaries, including such icons as John Carpenter, Robert Englund, Caroline Munro, and Cassandra Peterson, In Search of Darkness: Part III is presented in a compelling year-by-year format that examines horror in the context of the decade’s touchstone moments and movements such as the rise of indie horror during the home video boom, the backlash of the Satanic panic, the genre’s relationship with heavy metal music, horror’s marginalization by the mainstream, the influence of Mexican, European, Canadian and Asian horror, and more.”

I’ve seen In Search of Darkness: Part I (2019) and Part II (2020). And now, with the release of In Search of Darkness: Part III, that’s over 14 hours of more ’80s horror than you should be legally able to wrap your eyeballs around. Get all three in a massive-yet-tidy bundle HERE, and plan on spending the entire weekend on your couch. You can thank me on Monday…if you make it that far.

WOLF HOLLOW / Spring, 2023

“A group of young filmmakers venture out on a location scout in rural Pennsylvania. Deep into the back country, it quickly becomes apparent they’ve stumbled onto a family of werewolves and must now survive the night.”

Werewolves live in Pennsylvania? I would’ve thought…Gnashville. Heh.

Kill Count, Real Bigfoot, Undead Wives

If you’re like me and prefer TV over reading, then you missed Death Count: All of the Deaths in the Friday the 13th Film Series illustrated book, which came out October 20, 2017 from Two Things Press. But fear not — now you can get it for $9.99 on Kindle™, which is kinda like a TV version of a book.

At 124 e-pages, author Stacie Ponder goes into groovy gruesome visuals/stats on all who fell before Jason Voorhees’ pretty hate machine. And just how many tasted the pain? You wouldn’t have a reason to watch the book if I told you. But here’s the press release to convince you to wallet up: “With humor, love, and a lot of cartoon violence, Death Count celebrates the victims, survivors, killers, and other random characters encountered in the long-running Friday the 13th film series.”

You might recall a similar concept done in poster form back in 2011 by Andrew Barr of Canada’s National Post and illustrated by Mike Faille. But Sir Voorhees has since added to the terror tally, so Death Count might be the way to fulfill your splatter-y needs.

While I get over my aversion to books (oddly, posters don’t bother me), here are a few now available and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not make you download in your pants…

BIGFOOT ENCOUNTERS (available now)
“Many believe Bigfoot does not exist. But for those who have seen the creature face to face, there is no question.”

Never been a question for me as to Bigfoot’s existence. I see him face to face every day in the bathroom mirror when I thoroughly brush my teeth. (Bigfoot could use a Rudy’s Barbershop™ shave and a trim. Just sayin’.)

AVENGERS GRIMM: TIME WARS (available now)
“Unhappy being ruler of the Underworld, Rumpelstiltskin frees himself and plans to take over Earth. As the Avengers Grimm fight to stop him, they discover it’s not where he is hiding, but when, forcing our heroes to fight through the ages.”

This one has legendary kick-pants ladies, like Red Riding Hood (the color matches her season), Sleeping Beauty (I hear she snores like someone raking gravel), Snow White (she likes chili — heh!), and Alice of Wonderland fame. (Go asker her when she’s 10-feet tall. Tell me you got that hippie music reference.) So there’s four reasons to watch the movie, even though it rides the cape of that other group of Avengers. You know, the ones who hold iron-gripped dominion over the box office.

BETWEEN WORLDS (2018)
“Joe, a down-on-his-luck truck driver, is haunted by the memory of his deceased wife and child. He meets Julie, a spiritually gifted woman who enlists Joe in a desperate effort to find the lost soul of her comatose daughter, Billie. But the spirit of Joe’s dead wife Mary proves stronger, possessing the young woman’s body and determined to settle her unfinished business with the living.”

No wonder Joe’s down on his luck— his wife comes back from the dead to nag him to death.

AUTOMATA (pending crowdfunding)
“Antique expert Brendan Cole is sent to authenticate a 300 year-old clockwork doll with a notorious history, known as ‘The Infernal Princess.’ In the remote Scottish mansion where it has been discovered, Brendan soon finds himself the victim of the automaton’s legendary curse.”

Aha! So that’s who Annabelle’s grandma is!

Dead On Arrival Horror

And now from the Probably Ain’t Gonna Happen files. These are horror/sci-fi movies that were once gonna be made but due to various obstacles/mucking (usually some movie studio d*ckwipe), all deals are off the table. Here’s a few that had the potential to be craptacular…

BUBBA NOSFERATU & CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES (D.O.A.)
“Elvis, shooting a film in Louisiana, finds himself mixed up with a coven of she-vampires.”

Dang — as a sequel to 2002’s hilarious bent Bubba Ho-Tep (starring the statue-worthy Bruce Campbell — or “Ash” from The Evil Dead/1981 — as Elvis), this would’ve been flippin’ crazy fun awesome cool. And yet flushables like Friday the 13th (except the 1980 original) get sequel carte blanche with all the regularity of an Ex-Lax Maximum Strength™ user.

CARPE DEMON: ADVENTURES OF A DEMON-HUNTING SOCCER MOM (D.O.A.)
“A suburban housewife is tasked with ridding her town of demons.”

So this is where Stan vs. Evil (2016) got its floor plans. Oh well, if anything they got me to LOL over the title (taken from the 2005 book of the same name by author Julie Kenner). Now to go clean up my LOL.

HOUSE OF RE-ANIMATOR (D.O.A.)
“Ignoring the previous three Re-Animator films, the story focuses on a ‘Bush-like president’ who dies in office and his staff covertly brings in Dr. Herbert West to reanimate him.”

More timely than ever, this one should be made immediately. Then again, I’m a sucker for anything Re-Animator/Herbert West. If you haven’t seen Re-Animator (1985), it’s a horror staple, so like, go staple yourself.

GROWL (D.O.A.)
“A traveling underground fight club called The Brawlers arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family who want to buy on to the fight card. But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws. Some will be hunted, some will be feed, and some will become part of the family…whether they like it or not.”

Crud balls — been waiting for this on every since I LOL’d about it here back on February 18, 2011. Growl (originally titled Brawlers — both are kinda sucky), sounds like Fight Club (1999) but with flea collars and infect-o teeth. But fighting werewolves go back to 2003’s Underworld, wherein naked lycanthropes in man form morph into naked werewolves and fight club each other because that’s what werewolves do. Well, that and rifle through my garbage can during full moons. Some pure silver cantaloupe rinds — strategically hidden between empty bags of Cheetos™ and unopened jars of faux mayonnaise — should take care of that problem.

Vampires, Mummies, Robots, Teenagers

Some old faces, some new faces. Kinda like looking in a fun house mirror. (Man, I gotta get me one o’ those things. Then I’d be a god.)

UNDERWORLD BLOOD WARS (January 9, 2017)
“Vampire death dealer Selene fends off brutal attacks from both the Lycan clan and the Vampire faction that betrayed her. With her only allies – David and his father Thomas — she must stop the eternal war between Lycans and Vampires, even if it means she has to make the ultimate sacrifice.”

Werewolves versus vampires swap spit on the battlefield one more time, although the press release hints that it’s the end of the line for the highly popular/successful Underworld franchise. Whenever I hear the words “ultimate sacrifice,” I think of that time I tried a tiny sip of wine at the urging of a friend’s wife. Barfed my guts out all over the place. Beer = cool. Wine = NOT COOL.

THE MUMMY (June 9, 2017)
“Thought safely entombed in a crypt deep beneath the unforgiving desert an ancient queen, whose destiny was unjustly taken from her, is awakened in our current day, bringing with her malevolence grown over millennia and terrors that defy human comprehension.”

Tom Cruise heads up this big budget re-remake. I like Tom – he rocked it in Edge of Tomorrow (2014) and Oblivion (2013), two of the better sci-fi movies in recent years. Heck, he’s even been smacking alien arse since 2005’s War of the Worlds. Tom will save us from the Mummy. I have no doubt.

#SCREAMERS (2017)
“When an Internet company decides to investigate a series of ‘Screamer’ videos, they are confronted with havoc and hell they could never expect.”

I’ve seen those #Screamer videos on YouTube™. Most of ‘em are just dumb teenagers doing dumb things. Sorry, I meant to say ALL teenagers are dumb.

KILL COMMAND (out now / VOD), December 27, 2016 / DVD)
“Set in a near future, technology-reliant society is creating killing machines. Against this backdrop an elite army unit is helicoptered in to a remote, off-the-grid island training facility, to test the capabilities of the latest prototypes. They set up positions and make short work of the AI targets in the killing field. However, overnight their sentry goes missing, and when they find the corpse the next day they find themselves in the killing field and the tables have turned. The Marines fight to survive on an island is overrun by an enemy intelligence far beyond their predecessors, which learns from their every move.”

Sounds like they borrowed a rejected script from The Terminator (1984). The tired plot of Kill Command might work better as a video game. Note to video game makers: I don’t play video games. A grand waste of time. I’d rather lay on the couch and enrich myself in the outer glow of TV’s nourishing content.

Hey, Godzilla – Go To Hell

Over the decades Godzilla has bumped uglies with every foe’ker possible (with the exception of the Jesus). On March 1, 2016, G-Man is facing off with the world’s biggest collection of wrongness, with the release of the graphic novel mini-series, Godzilla In Hell (IDW Publishing).

The concept is open mouth drool-worthy, what with – as the press release tells me/us/you — “Godzilla meeting his greatest adversary of all time: the impossible tortures of Hell!” Here’s how this particular slice of genius sets up…

“In each issue of Godzilla In Hell special mini-series will see Godzilla enter a new level of the Underworld to do battle with the impossible by a variety of today’s best writers and artists.”

It’s safe to say that his new monster enemies won’t be of the rubber-suited variety, seeing as Hell’s temperature gauge is set at a comfy 183 Fahrenheit, two degrees higher than the point rubber melts. (It’s also a safe bet he won’t be going up against Plastic Man, either.)

Seems to me I heard tell of Godzilla in Hell back in the early settler days of July, 2015. A few clicks here and there brought me to IDWpublishing.com, where they have the 32-page comic ($3.99) posted as being “out of stock.” To further the madness, WikiZilla™ has this to say about that: “Godzilla In Hell #5 is the last issue of Godzilla In Hell. It was released on November 18th, 2015.”

The press release says March 1st, 2016, but everybody else says “been there done that.” So is the new one a compilation released under one cover? Are they re-issuing the issues? Are they gonna pick up where #5 left off? Are the previous publications a fig newton of my imagination? I’m all f’d up about it. Either way, someone on the internet is a liar.

But hey, any day with Godzilla in it is a good day. Unless you live in downtown Japan.