Military UFOs, Teen Witches, Holiday Flesh-Eaters

UFO fans can rejoice — a TV series is being developed around the famous 1980 Rendlesham Forest Incident, wherein American military personnel, stationed in England, not only encountered a landing UFO, but recorded their observations (on YouTube™) and even walked up and touched the glowing, freaky thing. (Hope they washed their hands, because, you know, space germs.)

From the press release: “The alleged sightings began on December 26, 1980 when U.S. Air Force security patrols stationed at RAF Woodbridge in Suffolk, England saw lights descending into nearby Rendlesham Forest. When servicemen went to investigate, they found a metallic object with glowing lights in the middle of the forest, and when approached the object moved through the woods, causing farm animals to panic. In daylight the next day, impressions were found in a triangular shape in the forest clearing, and on December 28, deputy base commander Lt. Col. Charles Halt and several other servicemen took radiation readings at the clearing and noticed lights in the distance.”

“The show will reportedly wave a complex family drama into the real-life events, which will span the 1980s through to 2020, which will mark the 40th anniversary of the Rendlesham incident.”

I’ve seen lots of documentaries about Rendlesham and, despite the commercials, I want to believe. Thus is the power of television. Until the show premiers, which is in the works as we speak, here are a few just released and upcoming horror/sci-fi you may or may not want to believe in…

MERCY CHRISTMAS (available now/VOD)
“Mercy Christmas follows Michael Briskett as he meets the perfect woman. His ideal Christmas dream comes true when she invites him to her family’s holiday celebration. Michael struggles to survive once he realizes HE will be Christmas dinner.”

A cannibal Christmas movie? Another reason for the season. I’m no gourmet chef (although I do make a mean bowl of stove top popcorn), but what would be an appropriate wine pairing with holiday human flesh? My go-to would be Steel Reserve™ (okay, not really wine, but man, what a kick in the pants). Probably some red chardonnay that’s deep, complex and stays with you long after you’ve tasted it. Kinda like flesh. Hope they’re also serving those neat pop-up dinner rolls. It’s like eating fluffy chemicals, but man, what a kick in the taste buds.

THE DEVIL’S TOY BOX (available now/VOD)
“Cynthia O’Neil enters a haunted asylum known as the Madison Seminary in search of her father who went missing in the asylum while shooting a reality television show.”

Kinda makes you wonder what the Devil considers toys. Slasher Gumby? Silly Blob Putty? Matrix Monopoly? I’d buy ‘em. Just so we’re transparent here, The Devil’s Toy Box was also one of the names of Hellraiser’s (1987) The Lament Configuration (aka, Lemarchand’s Box), a puzzle box, that when solved/opened, would summon Hell’s most Goth entities to welcome you to their depths. As local urban legends go, The Devil’s Toy Box is also cabin in Louisiana that when occupied, makes people go insane. Probably because of intermittent Internet connection, questionable plumbing and no bars for your Evil Smart Phone.

THE LURKER (2018)
“A group of theatre students, celebrating their final show, begin to slowly disappear one at a time.”

Seriously? This is a horror movie? The students probably snuck off to partake in the weed, or in my case, Steel Reserve™.

THE WITCH FILES (2018)
“A group of marginalized young women form a powerful coven and find they have the ability to grant their every wish. Though they soon realize the danger of messing with powerful forces beyond their control.”

I liked this better when they called it The Craft (1996). So yeah, high school chick witches. I’ll stick with TV’s Sabrina, The Teenage Witch (1996 — 2003) ‘cause she’s such a cutie.

Shadow People, Fender Bender UFOs, Last Call Hags

Thinking about getting a painless tattoo. Up until now, the only needle I’ve felt the sting with is those annual anti-zombie virus shots I get as insurance. Nope, the canvas that is my remarkably soft skin is ink free. And yet, how cool would it be to get a tattoo of the Alien chest-burster on my back? I’d put it on my chest, but that’s what society would EXPECT. That’s a rule. I don’t do rules. Although, as a rule, I brush my teeth twice a day. So yeah, a bit hypocritical of me, but as I always say, be true to your teeth or they will be false to you.

Speaking of things that may or may not have bite, here are few more upcoming horror and sci-fi movies to sink your teeth into. Chew with your mouth closed, please. Not a rule, just common courtesy.

AWAKEN THE SHADOWMAN (July 21, 2017 (Limited); July 25, 2017 (VOD)
“After the mysterious disappearance of their mother, estranged brothers reunite and discover an unknown supernatural force.”

Is it Slenderman working on a new stand-up routine? Is it a prankster poltergeist looking to get you to involuntarily soil the sheets? (Which would be flippin’ hysterical.) Is it a half-transparent baby-sitter? Is it all of the above? I can only hope and pray by crossing my fingers really hard.

LANDING LAKE (2017)
“When a technical team is sent to repair a communication station they quickly realize that something may be coming from the nearby lake that is affecting their minds. As they lose their inhibitions their most primal desires take hold. It seems that only one of the team is permitted to bond with the unseen entity and so be reborn in a new body. A terrifying game of strategy not to survive, but rather to die with the promise of life anew.”

This one’s already getting attention, but for the wrong reasons. One horror movie blog says it’s a prime candidate for the worse movie trailer of the year. Geez, don’t sugar coat it, guys. From what I was able to piece together is that a UFO crashed landed up at Crash Landing Lake (heh) a while back and no one came looking for it. I would’ve — and I’d sell it on Craigslist™ and become a billionaire. So yeah, probably alien gunk got into the lake and anyone skinny dipping in it is gonna have their cracked Liberty Bell infected by said space goo. This often ends in hilarious results.

BLUE BOOK (2017/History Channel)
“Blue Book is a scripted UFO drama series chronicling the true top secret U.S. Air Force-sponsored investigations into UFO-related phenomena in the 1950s and ’60s, known as Project Blue Book. The series follows Dr. J. Allen Hynek, a brilliant college professor recruited by the U.S. Air Force to spearhead this clandestine operation that researched thousands of cases, many of which were never solved. Each episode will draw from the actual files, blending UFO theories with authentic historical events from one of the most mysterious eras in United States history.”

UFOs seem to be getting a bump up these days, what with the ongoing success of Ancient Aliens. So it makes sense do a spin-off series about all those TRUE stories of saucers and the unearthly pilots that fly and sometimes run ‘em into New Mexico dirt. Wonder if aliens are have to carry saucer insurance? If so, what are the rates? Hopefully Blue Book will fill in these blanks

SLUMBER (2017)
“Alice, a rationally minded sleep doctor, is forced to abandon scientific reason and accept a family is being terrorized by a parasitic demon which has existed in every human culture since records began. Paralyzing victims as they sleep, the ‘Night Hag’ is the original Nightmare.”

Night Hag — that’s what we refer to the last call gals at The Poggie Tavern. And I wouldn’t put it past ‘em to mess with you while you’re trying to deal with hangover paralysis. FYI: keep your wallet in your front pocket.