Archive for tuba

As The Giant Worm Turns

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Lair of the White Worm

Digging up the front yard of a rural, British convent’s front yard, a budding archaeologist unearths a weirdo animal skeleton head artifact this size of a tuba. Tubas rock hard when honked. And the archaeologist thinks the skeleton head rocks, to which he loudly exclaims, “Yeehaa!”, thus setting in motion one of the more unusual and provocative giant monster movies you’ll see on a smart device.

Lair of the White Worm

Turns out the skull could very well be part of the D’Ampton Worm, a gigantic mythical wiggler. Apparently, the super-sized Lumbricus terrestris was worshiped by an ancient cult. (What is it with ancient cults, anyway? Couldn’t you just pray at the porcelain altar after worshiping a case of Worm Brew? Geez.) The snake monster was later slain (or “cut in half”) by the then Lord D’Ampton for later generations to sing pub songs about. (The lyrics could use some work, but the tune is rather catchy.)

The Lair of the White Worm

Enter the overtly seductive Lady Sylvia Mars, a mysterious gal who has an affinity for slithery things. After scene after scene of waiting for the worm (that’s thought to still be alive in a nearby cavern), Lady S sets up shop in a nearby mansion, takes off her clothes right down to the string of G, and lures men to worship at the altar of her R-rated booty. It’s here she brandishes her snake fangs and bites them on the trouser worm, injecting and infecting the prey with paralyzing spittle. The debilitated victims are fed to you-know-what.

The Lair of the White Worm

Astonishingly, the D’Ampton Worm turns out to still be doing business, worming its way up from the depths of Hell for some take out, with human sacrificial groceries provided by Sylvia Snake. Of the numerous nightmare sequences, a stand-out is a rather disturbing flashback scene of people being crucified amid shoulder height flames with giant white worms twisting around the nail-hung bodies, nuns being non-consensually romanced by pant-less soldiers, and the snake woman hissing and her-ing all over the place.

The Lair of the White Worm

The Lair of the White Worm (1988) is quite entertaining (except to nuns), and slithers happily between surreal horror and deliberate black comedy. (Sylvia plays Snakes ‘n Ladders with her “offerings” and can’t help but twist-y dancing when hearing music.) You have to wait most of the movie’s 93 minutes to see the whopping worm, but there’s people being turned into vampire snakes ’n stuff. Almost doesn’t matter after watching Lady Sylvia (topless the entire last scene) pose over her victims in attire best suited for a fetish nightclub.

And the worm? Big time big.

Dinosaurs – Past and Present

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 16, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jurassic World

Jurassic World, the upcoming sequel is the ground-breaking Jurassic Park (1993), The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) and Jurassic Park III (2001), wherein prehistoric dinosaurs were regrown in a lab and let loose on a modern world. How did the scientists do this? I’m thinking some sort of magic. Regardless, manipulating the gooey dino DNA resulted in rather thrilling and surprisingly realistic sci-fi action.

The Lost World

Jurassic World, releasing June 2015 in one billion theatres, has some long lineage dating back to 1925 with The Lost World, the first dinosaur movie. I remember that year during regressive hypnotism. Sported short hair back then, which was the style of the times. I now have long hair because I don’t give a crap about the style of the times.

Fay Wray

But I do give a crap about dinosaur movies. (OK, that sounded a weird.) Are not rampaging dinosaurs the forefathers of guys like Godzilla, Gorgo and Reptilicus? If you watch The Lost World you can all but see a road map running through history that leads straight to contemporary mega box office monsters, most notably King Kong in 1933, which also gave birth to the first scream queen: Fay Wray. She was kinda hot. Wonder if she ever monkey’d around? Heh.

The Lost World

Before you go looking for The Lost World (hey, that’s kinda funny), you should know that this is a silent film. That means no audible screaming/cussing/crying/more cussing. Also, you’ll have to use your imagineering to make up dino roars. Think blowing into a tuba that’s filled with Drano™.

The Lost World

So Paula White, the daughter of missing famed explorer Maple White (named after syrup, one might surmise), brings dad’s journal to Professor Challenger (sounds like one of the X-Men) with proof that dinosaurs still exist – in Venezuela, of all places. A big time-y newspaper finances a “put it on the glass” expedition because hey, dinosaurs sell papers.

The Lost World

When the search party arrives, they encounter Bigfoot, heretofore referred to as “Ape-Man.” (Not very catchy. Grunt Grunt would be more suitable, I should think.) Grunt Grunt no like humans. Can’t say I blame him. But the explorers have bigger problems; they’re surrounded by battling beasts – an Allosaurus b*tch slaps an Edmontosaurus. A Tyrannosaurus delivers a slobber knocker to an Agathaumas, including a Pteranodon who should have kept his beak out of T-Rex’s Kool-Aid™.

The Lost World

Among the warring monsters, they find the leftovers of Maple. He was flattened like a pancake. (Heh.) No time to grieve – that volcano is belching up lava like last night’s Burrito El Grande Supreme. Before everyone can bail, they trap and capture an Apatosaurus and manage to get it in onboard their homeward bound (London) steamship. Turning fish into chips, all is well until they go to unload the boat and the darn dino escapes.

The Lost World

Romping and stomping across London Bridge, the beast’s El Grande Supreme weight causes the structure to go boom, thereby dumping Apatosaurus into whatever waterway runs underneath the bridge. Professor Challenger is sad. The monster swims away. FYI: There’s a highly unnecessary love triangle that ends in a big fat fail for one jilted Joe. The end.

So yeah, dinosaurs, past and present. I’m all in because hey, I give a crap.