Archive for tombstones

Literary Shark, Throbbing Tombstones, Cheese Rebel

Posted in demons, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the library…

For fans of Jaws (not that steely-toothed James Bond criminal villain of the same name in The Spy Who Loved Me/1977, Moonraker/1979), now comes the ultimate illustrated edition of author Peter Benchley’s massively popular book, which has sold over 20 million copies. I’m no math guy, but that appears to be a lot.

From The Folio Society’s website: “Jaws is one of the greatest cult thrillers of all time, seething with sexual tension, political corruption and macabre affairs. The novel is deeper and darker than Steven Spielberg’s seminal 1975 film, while the magnificent shark scenes are some of the most terrifying prose sequences in modern fiction. If ever a novel was begging to be illustrated, this is it.”

Korean artist Hokyoung Kim brings her unique cinematic style to this spectacular edition, including a chilling binding portrait of the Great White shark that terrorizes the community of Amity. Although fear is at the heart of the novel, the fragility of marine life also courses through the narrative, and this theme is explored by Wendy Benchley in her newly commissioned introduction.” Clearly, a lot to chew on.

And because you were eventually gonna ask, here are the specs: 320 pages, 6¼ x 9˝, bound in printed, blocked, and soft-touch laminated paper, Set in Cardo with Clearface Gothic as display, black & white integrated title-page spread plus 7 color illustrations, blocked slipcase. And at $60, it won’t take a bite out of your wallet (heh). I bought the audio book version, but all it had was screaming.

While you sharpen your reading skills, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need a shark in ’em… 

CEMETERY STORIES / Out now (VOD)

On Halloween a couple, both of which are clairvoyants, drive to a cemetery. They go for fun to pick up vibrations from the tombstones of the deceased. As they pick up vibrations they have visions of how the person died. Each vibration and vision seems to get darker and darker. In the midst of all of this, they are being stalked by a dark shadowy figure. What starts out as some Halloween fun quickly turns to terror.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the vibrations were coming from a battery-powered personal comfort device? I sure think so.

MAD HEIDI / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

Heidi as she’s never been seen before — a badass, kick-ass rebel with the brute strength to slice an opponent in two with a battle axe. In a dystopian Switzerland that has fallen under the fascist rule of a cheese magnate, Heidi lives as a simple young woman in the mountains. Her grandfather does his best to protect her from the bad influences of the world, but soon her longing for personal freedom will spark a revolution. The naive mountain girl turns into a fierce fighter who has to put an end to the cheese fascists.”

Wonder if there’ll be singing and dancing to go along with all the die kill bleed…and cheese?

NIGHT OF THE SCARINESS / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Guaranteed to make you scream and cry and piss your pants and vomit yourself.”

Would this be during or after a night at the Tug Tavern?

NIGHT OF THE BASTARD / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Disgruntled hermit Reed lives a solitary life in the desert. After chasing away a group of youths trying to party near his home, Reed’s peaceful life is violently upheaved when a group of savage cultists lay siege to his house. Forced to partner up with one of the party-goers, Reed and his newfound colleague must defend themselves into the night, all while long-buried and disturbing secrets are revealed to him as part of the cult’s evil plan.”

Partying youthssavage cultistsviolent upheaval. Sounds like my neighbors.

Godzilla: A Star Is Born, Monster Box Social, Brutally Honest Santa

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

Go fix your makeup, Andromeda; tighten up a notch, Orion’s Belt; go refill your water bucket, Aquarius — there’s literally a new star in town…GODZILLA!

Godzilla

The Hollywood gossip sheets are true for a change — NASA (National Aeronautics and Space Administration and home to a lot of lab coat wearers) has bestowed a heavenly distinction to Godzilla by being named a new constellation. Talk about dancing with the stars.

Godzilla

How NASA, the Academy Awards of Space, came to the conclusion that Godzilla needed his own Walk of Fame in the Galaxies: “Most of the gamma-ray sources visible in the Godzilla constellation are actually AGN, as are more than half the gamma-ray ‘stars’ Fermi has cataloged to date.

Godzilla

“Gamma-ray jets also occur in other types of astrophysical systems. When a massive star runs out of fuel and collapses under its own weight, or when two orbiting neutron stars spiral together and merge, a new black hole — and high-speed jets — may form. The result is a gamma-ray burst, the most powerful explosion in the cosmos. These monstrous blasts, which occur somewhere in the distant universe every day or so according to observations by Fermi’s Gamma-ray Burst Monitor, would make even Godzilla envious.”

Godzilla

While we congratulate Godzilla on becoming the Universe’s newest bad Gamma Jamma, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not be visible as your black hole, son…

Monster Party

MONSTER PARTY (November 2, 2018)
“Three thieves plan a daring heist posing as waiters at a fancy Malibu mansion dinner party in hopes of paying off an urgent debt. When their plan goes horribly wrong, the trio realizes the dinner guests are not as innocent as they seem and their simple cash grab becomes a violent and desperate battle to get out of the house alive.”

The irony here being that if the criminals posed as waiters a rich people party, they could’ve easily earned enough tips to pay off their debt. This is why criminals are so STUPID.

Secret Santa

SECRET SANTA (November 5, 2018/UK)
“A Christmas Eve gathering takes an unexpected turn after a family guest spikes the punch with a military grade version of truth serum sodium pentothal. The already dysfunctional group comes unstuck in a blizzard of drug-induced, painfully candid outbursts, and upset soon turns to carnage after the head of the family runs amok with a fork, triggering festering loathings and savage reprisals.”

This sounds pretty fun/funny, except they really didn’t need to spike the punch with military-grade sodium pentothal to get everybody to go all truth or dare on each other. Eight or nine easily-purchased cans/bottles/cartons of beer achieves the same results — and at a much lower cost to you, the truthful consumer.

Escape Room

ESCAPE ROOM (January 4, 2019)
“Six strangers find themselves in circumstances beyond their control and must use their wits to find the clues or die.”

This sounds like a “copyright infringement homage” to Cube (1997) and Nine Dead (2009). If I had to use my wits to save my own life, you might as well go shopping for tombstones.

Happy Death Day 2 U

HAPPY DEATH DAY 2 U (February 14, 2019)
“This time, our hero Tree Gelbman discovers that dying over and over was surprisingly easier than the dangers that lie ahead.”

Didn’t see the first one (I forget what it was called). So a guy who dies over and over. Isn’t that called a typical work week? And who the heck names their kid “Tree”? I guess that makes his mom a tree hugger. After this movie, he’ll be branching out. I bet he pines after his ex. Strong chance he wakes up with morning wood. I can do this all day.

Vomit Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mortuary

Most kids would think that having their mom be a mortician as a modern woman career choice would be pretty dang cool. But why did she have to move her teen son and nine-year-old daughter into a decrepit mortuary in a small, blue collar stink town to explore job opportunities? Having the business by the local interstate where car crashes seem to happen on a daily basis was a prudent choice, though. Location is everything.

Mortuary

But the town legend has it the deformed kid with crooked lips who lived in the house years ago IS STILL THERE. That, of course, is like handing an engraved invitation to the local booze-sneaking teens who break into the cemetery located in the front yard (!) to make graveyard babies among the deceptively romantic crypts.

Mortuary

But while mom’s in the basement learning how to embalm, leaking fluids are absorbed by the evilness in the house and makes black gunk grow on the walls. It also gets into the party teens, turning them into vomit zombies. You do not want zombie vomit on your face as it will turn YOU into a vomit zombie. That, and the stains are really hard to get out of your shirt.

MortuaryMore zombies, more vomit, more fun. When mom turns into one of the spewing undead and her non-living associates converge on the house, a warm fuzzy feeling comes over you as there’s no way out for the uninfected teens. As if out of the blue, the deformed kid with crooked lips, now an adult, kidnaps the teen brother’s little sister and takes her away into his under-the-cemetery lair. The zombies follow because hey, zombie rules, man.

MortuaryLike trapped mall rats, the teens are flanked by the walking dead, the deformed kid who’s now holding the little girl over a big hole in the ground, and a demonic tooth worm that lives in the hole, waiting to be fed. What to do? Personally, I’d crap my pants then and there.

Mortuary

Mortuary (2005) is brimming with horrific ingredients bookended by some pretty funny turns. Not too bad for a low-budget horror flick, but the total hack ending certainly won’t make your lips go all crooked.