Archive for Tom Jones

Sea Monster and Swimwear

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Loreley's Grasp

Local legend has it that the Loreley, a reptile creature with a taste for human hearts (ick), comes every seven moons (206 days) and seeks out those with human hearts. Whew — I’m safe!

The Loreley's Grasp

The night before her wedding a hot redhead is trying on her veil and negligee when a reptile creature jumps through her second-story (!) window and rips out her heart. I’m wondering if that was the Loreley everyone’s talking about?

The Loreley's Grasp

This freaks out the nearby all-girl supermodel boarding school, run by an uptight but seriously smokin’ hot redhead. Her eyes seem too big for her face, but it didn’t goon me out. So the mayor hires a freelance hunter to protect the supermodels.

The Loreley's Grasp

Enter the extreme handsome, Sirgurd. Despite his crazy name, he looks like Engelbert Humperdink and dresses like Tom Jones. And he’s packin’ heat — a high-caliber rifle. A plan is implemented to go scuba diving in the Rhine in hopes to find the reputed cave the Loreley lives in. You know what this means — a chance for Sirgurd to take off his shirt.

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s three helper chicks fight over who gets to have sex with Sigurd (wouldn’t you?) and in the process let him escape. Loreley in reptile form has really dry hands, but her nails look good. She wears a cloak to hide her face, which is similar to that of a large plastic piranha. Sirgy knows what he has to do — make stab happen and then go make out with the chicks. (Wouldn’t you?)

The Loreley's Grasp

The Loreley’s Grasp has pretty cool gore and boobies and Sirgy action for a 1974 foreign movie with dubbed dialogue. I wish I knew where the treasure cave with three bikini-adorned helper chicks lived, though. Then I’d go visit them. Often, as it turns out. Hey, swimming is good for you. The Internet says so.

Bubblegum and Aliens

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mars Attacks!

Mars Attacks! (1996) is a comic sci-fi take on those old Mars Attacks! bubblegum cards of the early ’60s. The cards were cool, the gum, not so much. (I can blame my dental work on that tooth-chipping candy.)

Mars Attacks!

Thousands of green, bug-eyed Martians arrive in flying saucers, looking to annihilate all living junk on Earth. Once the aliens are deemed hostile (rays guns disintegrating your flesh like flash paper), the world hits the panic button.

Mars Attacks!

You can kill the duck quacking brain creatures and make their heads pop like a puberty zit, but it’s kinda tough. Our last line of defense – Slim Whitman music, which does to the Martians what microwave ovens do to Jell-O™.

Mars Attacks!

Starring everyone in Hollywood, this mildly entertaining invasion fest even has a cameo with Godzilla. It gets better with the addition of tight pants lounge icon Tom Jones, who, when you think about it, is the Las Vegas answer to Godzilla.

Speaking of Vegas, the place gets creamed by the aliens. Good – I lost three month’s rent at the tables. Now I know why they call it craps.