Archive for toilet paper

Undomesticated Cannibals, Ghosts, Wildlife

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Prool

Yep, four more new ones (as of this e-scribbling). It’s almost like there’s some sort of, I don’t know, “film factory” churning these things out night and day. And yet with all these market fresh movies on the docket, no one has made me a lucrative offer to cameo as a monster, first victim, or celebrity walk-on. (I’m not really a celebrity – but I do dress like one.)

So, in case you haven’t fulfilled your daily recommended dose of infomercials…

PROOL (aka, Prey / October 13, 2016 / Netherlands)
“When the police discover the bodies of a slaughtered family living on a farm just outside of Amsterdam, they are clueless as to what happened. Lizzy, an attractive veterinarian working in the Amsterdam Zoo, confirms their suspicions; there must be a lion on the loose. And judging by the wounds of the mutilated victims, the beast must be big, strong and vicious…”

If lion/tiger gone wild horror movies are your zootopia, try The Ghost and the Darkness (1996) and Burning Bright (2010). Both are quite good. I’m not lion. Heh.

Hell House

HELL HOUSE (November 1, 2016)
“Five years after an unexplained tragedy on opening night of Hell House, a Halloween haunted house tour, a documentary crew travels back to the scene of the disaster to investigate the events of that night. During an interview with one of the original staff members, they are given never-before-seen footage taken by the staff of the haunted house. It reveals the terrifying truth about what really happened on the opening night of HELL HOUSE!”

Sounds like more tired found footage crap-o-rama, the tap water plot included. For a much better take on the “haunted house tragedy” tip, start at the top: The Legend of Hell House (1973), from which this movie borrows/pays homage to/rips off its title.

The Shelter

THE SHELTER (November 4, 2016 / VOD; January 3, 2017 / DVD)
“On a star filled night, widower and homeless man Thomas Jacobs finds shelter for the night when he falls upon a vast two-story house with the lights on and an inviting open front door. But soon enough, he realizes that the house won’t let him leave, as its doors are all locked while its windows cannot be opened or broken. Destiny has brought Thomas to this place. What does it want from him? Will he survive the ordeal?”

A widower AND homeless? Something tells me the evil house is a Tupperware™ party compared to what he’s already lived through. But hey, a warm and dry evil house with toilet paper privileges is still better than sleeping under a bridge next to hobos who are all probably evil and/or poisonous.

Escape From Cannibal Farm

ESCAPE FROM CANNIBAL FARM (2017)
“The Harver family embark on an idyllic summer camping trip to the British countryside where they can bury past tensions and enjoy some family bonding. But when their camp is sabotaged by an unseen intruder in the night, they head to the nearby creepy old farm desperate for help, where vengeful farmer Hunt Hansen and his hideously deformed son aren’t farming animals. Caged and waiting for their limbs to be severed, cooked and eaten one at a time, the Harver family must overcome their differences and unite in order to escape alive.”

Not sure what this says about me, but I totally want to see the Harver family get turned into a Sunday buffet by Hunt Hansen. I never fancied those Harvers, what with their “past tensions,” “differences” and “family bonding.” This ain’t supposed to be Leave it to Beaver (1957 – 1963). Leave it to Cleaver maybe…

The Day The Earth Drew Mud

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 12, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

X The Unknown

X The Unknown (1956) is a British sci-fi kickstarter about a sentient pile of liquid meatloaf that oozes up out of a fissure (or “crack”) in the Earth in search of radiation nutrients on which to feed. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

Discovered during a Scottish military training session to teach soldiers how to use Geiger counters, the crack appears in a dirt pit that looks more like a moto-cross playground full of whiskey throttlers than the scene of a potential holocaust. Get close to the hole, you get flaky waxy skin and pancake sized herpes sores all over your back/face/short life. (Always wash your hands after getting close to holes.)

X The Unknown

Dr. Royston, an English scientist from the conveniently located Atomic Energy Laboratory, investigates when several townsfolk melt after encounters with the chocolate colored couscous. He hypothesizes (guesses out loud) that the living energy form is prehistoric in nature and got trapped underground when the Earth’s pancake crust cooled in its pre-people days. Now it’s really freakin’ starvinated and wants a steaming pile of radiation with a human side salad to feast upon. Good thing we Earthers have a lot of uranium laying around.

X The Unknown

The scientist, military and local police figure out a way to lure the fudge brownie mix back into the crack and blow it up for the benefit of all mankind. And to think all they had to do was drop a car-sized roll of toilet paper into the hole and let the monster wipe itself out.

Blobs

X The Unknown, though, was the precursor for 1958’s The Blob, which beget a sequel (Beware! The Blob/1972), a remake (The Blob/1988), and was the source material for the R.L. Stine Goosebumps™ rip-off book, The Blob That Ate Everyone (1997).

Still, I can’t shake the nagging feeling that I’ve seen this gravy-stained lumpy pile of mashed potatoes before. Sigh. It’s gonna stick in my crack all day long. Oh wait, I know! It looks just like…Dairy Queen™!

Ankh If You Love Mummies

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

 

The Mummy

It’s easy to see why movies about mummies have never really caught on except for that one in 1999 with Brendan Fraser, which had a budget $80 million and went on to make nearly $416 million. The Mummy Returns, a 2001 sequel, made even more genēh maṣri – $433 million to be exact. (The Scorpion King/2002, the second sequel (prequel/spin-off, actually), took a camel dump at the box office: $91 million budget, $165 million worldwide box office. Yeesh – talk about sand in your gallibaya.)

The Mummy

With only a few exceptions, mummy movies aren’t big box office cake. Why? For only thing, crappy name. Mummy is what little British kids who wear jumpers and have crooked teeth call their moms. Secondly, same outfit in every movie (freshness-expired bandages for shirt AND pants), no discernible orator skills, walks like an Egyptian. In horror movie terms he’s a minimummy wage monster. Heh.

Day of the Mummy

With about as much frequency as a mummy – which is basically a zombie wrapped in toilet paper – is resurrected, now comes Day of the Mummy (2014), (Hmmpf – they should’ve started out with Night of the Living Mummy, followed by Dawn of the Mummy.)

Here’s how the try and spin it: “Jack Wells arrives in Egypt in search of a famed diamond, The Codex Stone. His journey leads him to a team of archaeologists who are exploring the recently discovered tomb of the cursed King Neferu. With his centuries-old slumber disturbed by timeless human greed, the King rises from the dead with a bloodlust that cannot be staunched and a raging fury that will shred flesh from bone, bringing terrible, tormented death to all who dare witness the Day of the Mummy.”

Day of the Mummy

Why are all Egyptian kings cursed? What is it about that job that forces you to sleep in dirt for centuries until some get-rich-quick types dig you up and compromise your amenities? I bet the Help Wanted classified ad doesn’t mention anything about that in the job description.

In case you needed another excuse to avoid Day of the Mummy (releasing Oct. 20, 2014 in the UK and December 9 in the States), it was shot POV style; That technique only works effectively in porn.