Archive for toga

Mummies, Monsters, Muscles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hercules in the Haunted World

Of the 1,000 movies starring the strongest human this side of Popeye, Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) stands out because it has flying ghost mummies, a talking rock monster, damned women, and feats of physical strength unseen since I managed to get that really tight lid off a jar of peanut butter last week…with my bare hands!

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules and his stylish facial hair is back from dicking around on a bunch of adventures and wants to hook up with Princess Dianara. But she doesn’t recognize him as she’s in a trance. Or on drugs. Same diff. Her only hope is for Hercules to go to Hell and bring back the Living Stone to get her to snap out of it so they can get down to getting down.

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules flex battles an army of flying grease mummies, throws stone pillars around like they were made of Styrofoam and punches the smirk off Lyco, the main evil dude.

Hercules in the Haunted World

I ask you — how could anyone not like a movie with all these entertaining elements, as if seeing muscle men running around in alarmingly small togas wasn’t enough?

Conquering Werewolves and Boobies

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Werewolves, Witches, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Conquest

Hard to tell in what place in time Conquest – a  1983 Italian psychedelic schlock horror fantasy flick – takes place. All you need to know is that there’s cave condos, a werewolf army, gauze zombies, stink fog everywhere, a magic bow and arrow, and lots and lots of bare boobies.

Conquest

A topless, iron-masked queen wearing nothing else except a business card sized bikini bottom is having nightmares of a faceless guy with a magic bow and arrow perforating her chest. As she dreams she lets a huge snake explore her lower zip code area. I know this is all a metaphor, but for what?

Conquest

The werewolf army feeds on 99.9% naked and young cave dweller girls because “they taste better.” Need serving portions? No problem – each grab a leg and pull. (Conquest features a buffet of graphic gore scenes.)

Conquest

Meanwhile, Illias (rhymes with Idiot), a feisty young man in a toga, is tasked by the ghost gods with ending the evil queen’s boobfest. To rock this party, Illias hooks up with Mace, a mentor muscle man with Fabio hair and a bear diaper. This could very well be the sowrd and sorcery version of Batman and Robin.

Conquest

The werewolf army is sent to capture the dynamic duo and bring them to Ocron, the naked queen. That the werewolves just took the guys and not the tastier cave girls suggest they might be rearwolves. A sequel, perhaps.

Conquest

The boys manage to break free and continue their plagued journey. Illias gets gooey pus boils all over his upper and lower toga. Mace gets caught and crucified by gauze zombies and dumped in the ocean, where dolphins free him using only their snouts. And dang it, a main character’s head gets chopped off.

Conquest

How the heck do you top all of that? Magic bow and arrow time, with one shot delivering multiple cartoon arrows that find their hairy/guaze-y/naked-y targets in a rushed climax that’ll have you slapping your own head and going, “WTF?”

Conquest

Yep, Conquest is that bad and that good. You’ll have to look through many caves to find a movie with such noble and naked attributes.