Chick Horror

Three impending horror movies, all involving chicks, or “women.” This is not a new thing as it turns out every horror movie since the beginning of time had women, or “chicks” in ’em. That’s an impressive statistic. You go, girl(s)!

Anyway, here’s the what’s what…

THERE ARE MONSTERS (Releasing 2016)
Mother and daughter trapped and tormented in a black forest by a screeching creature – it is unlike anything we have heard before. Not human. Not animal. Like a thousand horses, like a mother’s clamor, a baby’s wail. Only a mother’s protective love, her most primal instinct, can save her daughter from what’s lurking in the darkness.”

A screeching creature. An argument can be made that it’s another female nagging her ex about missed alimony payments.

THE BLACKCOAT’S DAUGHTER (Releasing July 2016 on Direct TV)
Joan makes a bloody and determined pilgrimage across a frozen landscape toward a prestigious all girls prep school where Rose and Kat find themselves stranded after their parents mysteriously fail to retrieve them for winter break. As Joan gets closer, terrifying visions begin plaguing Kat while Rose watches in horror as she becomes possessed by an unseen evil force.

The Blackcoat’s Daughter was originally titled February. That’s not very scary OR marketable. But hey, not my movie. If it was I’d call it The Daughter’s Blackcoat. Chicks/women/ladies/gals dig fashion, so my title makes waaay more sense.

THE OFFERING (Releasing May 6, 2016)
When Jamie, a successful reporter, finds out that her sister has died mysteriously, she travels to Singapore to uncover the truth. There, she discovers multiple deaths linked to her sister and must join forces with her sister’s husband in order to defeat a demonic entity that is using new technology to complete an ancient mission.

A demonic entity who is tech savvy. I’ve experienced just such a thing, as indicated by that foul spirit who lives in my digital toaster and always makes the toast burn. (I set it on 3 but it always comes out looking like a 12.)

I should’ve made this movie and called it Burnt Offerings and… Oh, wait – already been done in 1976. That one should’ve been about a possessed toaster that blackens the bread, and they have to call in a “breakforcist” to scrape the soul clean. Heh.

Toasty Horror

Freddy Krueger toast. Okay, it’s official – I’ve now seen everything.

As high camp as this is, A Nightmare on Elm Street toaster ($54.99 at BigBadToyStore.com), which burns Freddy’s image into bread, is still pretty dang cool. Hey, Jesus has been showing up in tortillas and pancakes for years. Time to share in the wealth.

The press release for this product is hilarious…

“He terrorized your dreams while you slept…and now Freddy Krueger haunts your breakfast when you wake up!”

“But don’t worry — while the Springwood Slasher may have felt the burn, your bread and bagels will only endure the perfect amount of heat, toasting the shape of Freddy’s signature bladed glove into each slice.”

“UL-tested and approved, our collectible toaster includes illuminated function buttons for Cancel, Reheat, and Frozen. The Nightmare on Elm Street logo appears on its stylish, glossy black finish. Watch out – it’s the bastard toast of a thousand loafs!”

Bastard toast of a thousand loafs. Man, that’s killer. All of a sudden I feel sorry for people on gluten-restrictive diets. One can only hope Halloween’s Michael Myers will come out with a line of pre-sliced tofu for those who vomit and get diarrhea from eating sandwiches. Ones not made at 7-Eleven™, anyway.