Home Alone Horror

Them is a 2006 French movie, or “film” about a young couple being terrorized by hoodie’d figures while in their sprawling, multi-level country home. That the chick is a school teacher and her boyfriend who appears to make his living just by being handsome, seems highly improbable that these two could afford a one bedroom apartment let alone a veritable mansion surrounded by upscale foliage.

First there are the prank calls. Then goofy noises. Then their power goes out. Then you have 60 minutes of them being chased from room to room by a group of 15 year-old boys.

The boyfriend gets his butt stabbed, which admittedly looked painful. But all this movie is about, is the couple trying to get away from the young boys who murdered a mom and daughter in a stalled vehicle the night before. At least I think they were murdered. You never actually see any murderousness being done. Same with the pursued couple.

Them was trumpeted as “gripping, suspense-filled terror.” It is not. What you will grip, though, is the DVD remote’s fast-forward button. Them’s arguable redeeming quality is that this kind of home invasion horror reignited the genre and gave us a string or “pile” of ‘em, the better ones being The Strangers (2008), The Collector (2009) and You’re Next (2011). The best one? Try When A Stranger Calls, made back in 1979. I think my mom was in that one.

Godzilla vs. Science Mumbo Jumbo

A recent (as of June 17, 2017) article written by Dan Zinski on Screenrant.com had famed (and darned entertaining) celebrity scientist Neil deGrasse Tyson explaining why the existence of Godzilla is scientifically impossible. And yet we have over 50 movies featuring Godzilla stomping all over science. Why would movies lie to us?

Dr. Tyson goes on to say that “Godzilla could never exist outside of a fictional universe because the laws of physics simply would not allow for it. Essentially, a lizard-like being as huge as Godzilla would be too heavy for his limbs and would collapse under his own weight.”

Did he just call Godzilla fat?

“As you get bigger,” he says, “your weight goes up according to your column. But the strength of your limbs goes up only according to your cross-sectional area — so it’s a matter of area versus volume.”

“Godzilla would collapse under his own weight into a puddle of guts. It’s why heavy animals have thicker legs. So you can’t just scale up an insect and make them big.”

Try telling that to those bus-sized grasshoppers in The Beginning of the End (1957). But I’m skeptical over his cross-sectional statement because, depending on the species, a mere ant can lift 10 to 50 times its own weight. Scale ‘em up to 7-Eleven™ size as in Them! (1954) and the physics go out the window.

But Dr. Tyson’s argument flames the fans a bit more: “It completely negates half the horror movies of the 1950s…”

Perhaps. But Dr. Tyson does allow for a loophole that allows the Godzilla movies to get away with having a giant lizard who, in reality, would not be able to support his own weight. And this clause is radiation.

From the article: “Godzilla was awakened by radiation and given super-powers. Like Spider-Man, Godzilla was altered on a sub-atomic level and is now capable of doing things that he should not be able to do, like stomp on buildings, breathe fire and withstand endless attacks with missiles, bombs and all the other weapons humanity can concoct.”

Swish— nothin’ but net! So yes, Godzilla can exist outside of a fictional universe. Now we can all calm down. Watch Shin Gidzilla (2016) with its annoying sub-titles, and marvel over nature’s miracle as it squashes us like we’ve been doing to ants for millenia.

P.S. The Megalodon shark — PROVEN by fossils — grew up to 60 — 75 feet long. Where’s your science argument now, lab coat?

Space Clowns, Werewolves, Giant Ants

Too bad I can’t make photocopies of myself so I can watch all these new horror movies at the same time. I looked at some of those fancy pants 3D printers on eBay™, but I’m better off developing a split personality than shelling out mega fun coupons for those cool but financially out of reach machines.

KILLYJOY’S PSYCHO CIRCUS (out now)
“Killjoy, the demon clown and his gruesome crew — Batty Boop, Punchy and Freakshow — have finally made it to Earth. Killjoy has settled in and is starring in his own web series called Psycho Circus. But two years down the road, Killjoy discovers that life here on Earth is a drag, filled with inconveniences such as eating, breathing, taxes, immigration and mortal sex.”

The pop rock ensemble KISS released an album called Psycho Circus back in 1998. Killyjoy (also wearing clown makeup) felt it was okay to steal the name for his movie. It is not. Nevertheless, this is the fourth sequel in a budget-restrained franchise, which began with Killjoy (2000), Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002), Killjoy 3 (2010) and Killjoy Goes To Hell (2012). P.S. Killjoy is guilty of more intellectual property theft: the movie rips off its name from Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993). Also, they took their kicker line from the 1974 Emerson, Lake & Palmer album. I should be a lawyer.

DON’T F#CK IN THE WOODS (out now)
“A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college. But once they enter the woods, the proverbial sh*t hits the fan!”

Of all the things you shouldn’t do in the woods, sex isn’t one of ‘em. Unless you don’t want deer ticks crawling up your outgoing mail chute. While DFITW is currently available for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, it also comes in an “extremely limited” big box VHS format (for $40). That’s pretty dang cool. Just don’t watch it in the woods while you’re having sex. Keep your eyes on the prize.

AMERICAN BEAST (aka, Solitude, Beast of Prey / January 3, 2017)
“After his mother’s death, James Erikson discovers her old storage locker filled with journals and newspapers of his family’s history. As he researches it, he finds out about the evil that his family has tried to contain for several generations, beginning in 1939 on a mysterious piece of property in a small town called Solitude.”

Um, Superman might have issues with you calling your town Solitude when he’s been wiping “S” in the Fortress of Solitude since moving out of his step-parents’ house. Looks like someone’s a werewolf in American Beast, if you’re judging this movie by its cover. Too bad they went with the claw — it’s been used before. Several times in fact…

IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)
It Came From The Desert is and independent sequel to legendary video game by Cinemaware™. The film is set to modern time, 60 years after the original game’s happenings.”

Giant ants in the desert. I liked it better when it was called Them! (1954)

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Giant Bug vs. Enormous Bug

There is only one thing The Deadly Mantis (1957) has over the almost identical Them! (1954), a nuclear monster movie hailed by the American Film Institute as one of the greatest sci-fi movies of all time: The bug looks cooler. Yeah, I said it.

The giant ants in Them! look like someone stuck pipe cleaners into a couple of potatoes and spray-painted ’em with Rust-oleum™. The giant mantis in The Deadly Mantis looks exactly like a mantis, all alien-esque, spindly and icky. (While we’re on the subject, The Outer Limits’ Zanti Misfits (1963) look more like what ants are supposed to look like minus the big bulging eyeballs, though I’ve seen a few of those things crawling around just after last call.)

Taking the page-by-page format of the “giant insects eat civilization” right out of the Them! playbook, the title 200 foot-long Mantidae (biology name) was de-iced after a volcano thawed it from its icy cube in the North Pole. (I didn’t know they had active volcanoes in the North Pole. Snowball fights, yes; but lava?)

The military stationed up there (building a massive early detection network) sustains severe preliminary damage as the mantis feeds itself on mess hall chow (servicemen). Then it flys south, theorized to be heading to South America where I here it’s warmer than the North Pole and more suitable for getting an all-around tan. (Note to self: Use that tanning salon coupon before it expires.)

On its way for a vacation, the mantis buzzes Washington, D.C., and takes a poop rest on the Washington Monument, totally mocking visiting hours. Jets are dispatched, but the launched missiles rarely connect with their exoskeleton target. (Note to the city down below: the air force was just trying to help, man – get over it.)

One heroic pilot accidentally rams his jet into the bug due to London-grade fog that seems to be covering the entire East Coast, ejecting before ka-BOOM! The mantis hits the ground and crawls into the Manhattan Tunnel, mimicking the giants ants that took up homeless camp residence in the vast Los Angeles drainage tunnels and mocking New York Port Authority’s toll charges. The bail-out pilot leads the charge into the tunnel, armed with chemical gas can bombs, and throws it right onto the face of mantis. In your face, deadly mantis!

But for all its plagiarized similarities to Them!, The Deadly Mantis has two very funny scenes. One is with a bunch of military guys jailhouse rockin’ each other in the rec room as there are no dames around at the North Pole, and the other where a scientist and a dame (visiting journalist covering the story) and a military dude are theorizing how big the monster is, guessing that it’s probably over six-feet tall. This while the mantis is right outside their window and rising up over three stories. I just about crapped sno-cones over that one.

In conclusion, while the sci-fi sorta classic The Deadly Mantis looks good, it isn’t as good as Them!

P.S. For more big bug fun, watch 1957’s Beginning of the End – it features REAL giant grasshoppers. Those things goon me out for some reason.

Retro Insects

Not even filmed yet, It Came From the Desert, a giant ant movie based on the 1989 Atari™ video game, already has to movie one-sheets, a Facebook™ page and a logo. All this before cameras start rolling for a scheduled 2016 release. Somebody ate a big bowl of optimism for breakfast.

No movie details yet, but if it follows the video game outline, a giant ant comes out of the desert and, like, attacks humans ’n stuff. (I never played with video games – I played with beer. And occasionally a girl who drank beer.)

But if all of that except my personal details seem familiar to you, this was spectacularly done with 1954’s Them!, wherein giant ants come out of the desert and come looking for the sugar cube that is your head.

Stuff about Them! I copied off of Wikipedia (which I already knew BEFORE there was a factually-dodgy online encyclopedia) reveals the iconic sci-fi masterpiece was universally lauded: Them! was nominated for an Oscar for its special effects and won a Golden Reel Award for best sound editing. The film has been nominated for two American Film Institute lists, AFI’s 100 Years…100 Thrills and AFI’s 10 Top 10 (science fiction genre).

Of course, you’d know that yourself if you cared to read my February 2, 2013 blog about it. [Click HERE]. So until It Came From The Desert arrives in the future, watch Them! to see how a real giant ant movie can bug you – in a good way.

Irradiated Sci-Fi

Fifties sci-fi remains some of the coolest, cheesiest, wildest and excitingest movies ever made. Besides uninvited UFOs and alien b-holes showing up like holiday relatives, a large portion of ’em have to do with the effects of radiation-gone-wild on everything from ants (Them!/ 1954) and spiders (Tarantula/1955), to octopuses (It Came From Beneath The Sea/1955) and lizards (Giant Gila Monster/1959) – and all creatures in-between – including rats, bunnies, grasshoppers, salad tomatoes and people. Heck, just watching these movies gives you radiation poisoning. (OK, not really. But my glowing epidermis sure feels like it sometimes.)

I love the “mutated creature” stuff – quite a bit, as it turns out. But where radiation really earns its keep is when it turns humans into death metal monsters. Take for instance The Cyclops (1957), The Amazing Colossal Man (1957) and War of the Colossal Beast (1958), all created by B-movie legend Bert I. Gordon.

The monster is essentially the same in all three, with the actor Duncan Parkin playing the pitiful reconfigured giant – in two of the three with a mangled face and one presumably good eye. (Maybe the “I” in Bert I. Gordon is a subtle reference. Heh.) Duncan, by the way, is credited as a stagehand in The Beginning of the End (1957), that infamously bad giant grasshopper movie. Maybe he got a dose working on that one.

Amid all of them, The Cyclops, with its lava-lamp faced monster and shredded pants (apparently radiation mutates clothes as well), is one of those mega-cheesy guilty pleasures – and the first giant human monster movie. No, Gulliver’s Travels in 1939 doesn’t factor in because his size was regular – the people who f’d with his mind were super small. (Note: There may have been a giant human monster movie before The Cyclops, but I’m too busy combing my hair to do research. Note: v.2: 1952’s Jack and Beanstalk had a giant, but that one was not a monster movie – it was a comedy starring Abbott & Costello, the Laurel & Hardy of their day.)

A test pilot goes missing. Probably fell down a hole. So they go looking for him in one of Mexico’s deep, hole-filled jungles. Arriving via a small plane that looks about as sturdy as a two-seater kite, they encounter giant birds, lizards, bugs and a 50-foot giant human with a face distorted by radiation, of which there is plentiful in Mexico. This is why to this day people traveling there are warned not to drink the water, what with its f’d up face melting properties and such.

And what a mutated giant hey is – one eye is completely melted over with dripping skin gelled into place like a flesh curtain. The other eye, bulging to the point of popping, looks like it was too big to begin. Go big or go home, I say. And the all-angle teeth? Probably got that way chewing on small airplanes.

Of course, the search party has to bring along the missing pilot’s girlfriend so that the monster has something to distract him from the giant snake wrapping around his food chute, ala King Kong (1933). Even with only one kinda sorta maybe good eye left, he seems to recognize her. Get where this is going?

The craptacular special effects were slightly refined for Duncan’s next two roles as a homeless giant everyone wants to kill because he can get Frisbees™ off the roof without a ladder. Regardless, in order to fully understand yourself, take a look at these sci-fi classics and see if you can’t discover a part of you in them.

OK, that just sounded plain dumbass. Must be the radiation kicking in.