Spook Coupe

In the 1986 cheese-y/guilty pleasure sci-fi classic The Wraith, Packard, the small desert town’s a-hook/chop shop owner, forces clean young adults into street racing. If you win, you get his Corvette™. If you lose, you have to give him your pimped out Toyota Corolla™. It’s pink slip against pink slip — and Packard never loses. Mostly because he’s an a-hole cheater.

But one day a sweet Dodge Interceptor™, painted black (the color of vengeance) arrives on the scene. The car gang simply has to have it for their collection. A race ensues, but the Dodge leaves ’em in the dust. For a second. Then it turns around, hits the gas and splatters head-on into Oggie, Packard’s criminal soulmate.

Only thing left is the Dodge (unharmed because it has eerie powers) and Oggie, unscratched save for his eyes being totally burned out of their sockets. His car, though — a Daytona — nothin’ but parts.

Later, at Packard’s hide-out, the Dodge shows up and out steps…THE WRAITH. He looks like a spaceman in that cool form-fitting suit. And his shotgun, also futuristic, never runs out of bullets. He shoots up the entire chop shop, wrecking everything. And when his car’s hood pops open it throbs and glows green and makes space sounds. My car does the same thing, but that’s usually not a good sign.

Great car racing action/crashes, explosions, an insult-hurling sheriff (he cracked me up) and in all, a heartwarmingly satisfying back-from-the-dead teen sci-fi drama.

Death Pops A Wheelie

Always wanted to be a baddass motorcycle guy, making loud frap-frap-frap noises at stoplights in front of libraries, parking on sidewalks that have signs that say “no  parking on sidewalks,” flipping off little kids and basically being a big leather dumf*ck on wheels other than a big leather dumbf* with a bus pass.

But I’m too much of a four-door wuss to own a bike, let alone ride free on one across my neighbors’ lawns. So I’ll have to live vicariously through Homicycle (2015), a long-overdue indie ’80s style exploitation flick. (First heard about it a couple of years ago. So kudos to the filmmakers for keeping my dreams alive.)

So what does Homicycle do? Glad you asked: “A town is under siege by a gang of drug dealers when from seemingly out of nowhere, a mysterious man in black astride a motorcycle begins targeting the junk peddlers for death!”

Aside from “astride” (who even uses that word anymore except people who go to libraries while I frap-frap-frap outside?), I’m diggin’ this business model. Sure, you have The Wraith (1986) who does kinda the same revenge-fueled agenda thing, but in a really cool car (clearly an inspiration for Homicycle). But since when does a revenge-fueled agenda suck, especially when it ends up in splattery retribution?

P.S. If you ride around on a cool bike and have revenge on your mind,  wear a helmet. It’s the law. And if you break the law, you’re probably a criminal. No one wants that.