Bowling Trophy Worthy Sci-Fi & Horror

Even though The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Films was founded in 1972 to honor, recognize and promote genre films, NOT ONCE have they called me to accept a bowling trophy-esque shelf ornament during their annual Saturn Awards for Excellence in the Field of Horror/Sci-Fi Blogging. I feel this is a form of snob celebrity elitism. (The bag boys at the grocery store pull rank on me as well.)

Regardless of their humiliating oversight, the Saturn Awards, taking place June 22, 2016 in Burbank, CA, looks to acknowledge the horror/sci-fi/fantasy/misc. genres with metric tons of movie stars, directors, writers and complimentary shrimp platters with cocktail sauce for dipping. And since they have a million nominating categories, I’ve picked a few to see whose in line for winning a bowling trophy-esque award.

And the nominees (with my predicted winners) are…

BEST FILM SPECIAL/VISUAL EFFECTS
• Avengers: Age of Ultron – How in the heck do they make Iron Man fly? Surely he must weigh, like, a metric ton.

• Jurassic World – Dinosaurs dishing out dino sores. Awesome, though we’ve seen it three times before.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Best road rage action since your morning commute.

• The Martian – Zillow™ is already pricing profiling Mars’ real estate.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It had to be mind-blowing because they need to keep milking the money-printing franchise.

• Ex Machina – Winner

Best usually means who had the budget to afford all those pricey eyeball delights. While each one of these should win, I’m going with smaller budgeted Ex-Machina because it shows up close and personal full front/back/top/bare bottom female nudity. So what if it’s a naked chick robot encased in synthetic bubble wrap? If you were stranded on a desert island with one, it wouldn’t be an issue.

BEST HORROR FILM RELEASE
• Crimson Peak – Visually stylish ghost story, but the boos needed more booze.

• Insidious: Chapter 3 – No.

• It Follows – Yes.

• Krampus – Kinda.

• The Visit – Sorta.

• What We Do in the Shadows – Winner

Made by the Flight of the Concords comedy troupe, What We Do In the Shadows is the best vampire movie since Let The Right One In (2008) and 30 Days of Night/2007.(My opinion only, based on recommended daily doses of sweet and refreshing adult beverages.)

BEST INDEPENDENT FILM RELEASE
• 99 Homes – I didn’t see the first 98 homes, so…

• Cop Car – I see enough of them as it is.

• Experimenter – Didn’t have enough money to experiment with the movie ticket price, so…

• Room – Didn’t see it.

• Trumbo– Didn’t see it.

• Bone Tomahawk – Winner

Cannibals versus cowboys, hands down Bone Tomahawk starring Kurt Russell should win, if only for the movie’s last 15 minutes alone. Haven’t seen it? I double dog dare you to get through the last 15 minutes without your pants squirming up into your poo portal.

BEST INTERNATIONAL FILM RELEASE
• The 100 Year-Old-Man Who Climbed Out the Window and Disappeared – Dumb title. Didn’t want to see it.

• Goodnight Mommy – Potentially.

• Labyrinth of Lies – Didn’t see it.

• Legend – Didn’t see it.

• Turbo Kid – Seriously?

• The Wave – Winner

Based on an actual event that happened before you were born, The Wave is a Norwegian disaster film about a small community situated on a fjord about to be swallowed by a 250-foot mega tsunami, the result of a mega landslide. The wild wave itself is quite spectacular, but it’s the testicle-tightening lead up and post-wave t*tty-twisting that delivers the groceries.

BEST SCIENCE FICTION FILM RELEASE
• Ex Machina – Nudity is not science fiction.

• Jurassic World – Is DNA cloning science fiction? I think not.

• The Martian – This movie was based on science fact, which negates fiction.

• Star Wars: The Force Awakens – It’s not fiction in the minds of Star Wars nerds.

• Terminator: Genisys – No.

• Mad Max: Fury Road – Winner

Mad Max: Fury Road is insanity awesome. It instantly made me want to adorn my car with gasoline-powered sharp things and drive on sidewalks at 100 m.p.h.

The Horror of Grandparents v.2

No sooner is The Visit (2015), a grandparent horror movie is announced, now comes At Granny’s House (release pending), another genre flick featuring a grandma, cookies possibly, and death.

The reason I say pending is At Granny’s House is currently in Kickstarter land, publicly begging its way towards a release.

Here’s the plot in case you have some fun coupons burning a hole in your pocket bank: “A typical Midwest house. A sweet little old lady. When a caretaker moves in to help out, Granny’s house becomes a macabre place of death – and love.”

Not too strong of a pitch. In fact, it sounds downright boring. I’m hoping there’s more to it than that and the death part outweighs the love part.

Anyway, click HERE to see what else happens At Granny’s House.

The Horror of Grandparents

So now they’re using grandma and grandpa as horror movie antagonists. Not sure I’m down with this as going to my grandparents house as a kid was like a trip to Disney Land™: free cookies, cartoons all day on TV and what I firmly believed to be a giant rat monster in the downstairs cellar that smelled like freshness-expired cadavers/peaches and a single light bulb that worked only half the time. How did my grandma get me to descend into Hell to fetch a jar of cadaver peaches? Free cookies, duh.

So The Visit, a new horror movie by the hit beleaguered M. Night Shyamalan whose After Earth (2013) was slammed by critics with more credibility than me, is about grandparents harboring a dark secret in their remote Pennsylvania farm. (I bet you anything it’s giant rats.)

As the press release goes, a brother and sister, sent to their grandparents farm, soon discover the old farts are involved in something “deeply disturbing.” If it isn’t squeezing mutated tentacles from a cow’s bikini area to get breakfast milk, one can only imagine what the disturbing part is. Here’s the kicker: the kids can’t leave the house. So if they want milk on their farm cereal, time to man up and go deep.

Look for The Visit to arrive September 11, 2015. And while it’s on your mind, call your demonic and deeply disturbed grandparents today – they’ve been waiting to hear from you. (Ask about free cookies.)