Archive for The Strangers

Nightclub Zombies, Overweight Sharks, Toilet Paper-less Apes

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ibiza Undead

Ahhh — nearing vacation time, the few days out of the year I get to lay around and watch horror movies around the clock — but in a different city! It somehow makes the movies more exciting.

Speaking of exciting, here are some upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that’ll be thrilling or not — in any city…

IBIZA UNDEAD (available now (UK)(DVD) releasing 2017/2018 (US)
“Three best friends —Alex, Az and Jim — head to Ibiza for their first lad’s holiday. Unfortunately for them, tagging along is Alex’s unimpressed ex-girlfriend Ellie. Arriving in Ibiza, the lads dump Ellie with Alex’s sister Liz, and her friend Zara, and head to San Antonio to start their week of debauchery. Soon they end up in a San Antonio club, run by local gangster Karl, where the attractions aren’t all alive — in fact they’re zombies! Due to Jim’s antics, the zombies escape, and soon all hell breaks loose and no one on the party island is safe.”

Karl’s a gangster? The heck you say. I knew he owned zombies, but geez, he breaks the law? That’s the last time I go to his club. Hey Karl — your bathrooms smell like rotting flesh! (To be fair, most San Antonio bars smell like decomposed skin suits.)

Meg

MEG (August 18, 2018)
A deep-sea submersible — part of an international undersea observation program — has been attacked by a massive creature previously thought to be extinct, and now lies disabled at the bottom of the deepest trench in the Pacific — with its crew trapped inside. With time running out, expert deep sea rescue diver Jonas Taylor is recruited by a visionary Chinese oceanographer, against the wishes of his daughter Suyin, to save the crew — and the ocean itself — from this unstoppable threat: a pre-historic 75-foot-long shark known as the Megalodon.”

Meg

The biggest shark currently polluting our oceans is the Whale Shark, tipping the fish scales at 41,000 pounds (or “lbs”). That it doesn’t eat swimmers/surfers/spring breakers means its a toothless vegan Democrat.

But at 75 feet long and probably one billion pounds in weight, the Megalodon makes the Whale Shark look like one of those freshness-expired goldfish you win at the Puyallup Fair for throwing ping pong balls at bowling pins. Wonder what Mega-Shark (2009) thinks about the new Carcharodon carcharias on the block?

The Strangers 2

THE STRANGERS 2 (2018)
“A family’s road trip takes a turn when they arrive at a secluded mobile home park and after the power goes out they decide to hunker down for the night in a borrowed trailer. Under the cover of darkness, three familiar masked psychopaths pay them a visit to test their every limit.”

Aside from a different locale, The Strangers 2 doesn’t even try to expand on the one-note plot of The Strangers (2008), wherein a small group of killers stalk and then stab two people alone in a house. (So much for calling it a “living” room.) They should just title this movie, Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

War for the Planet of the Apes / Godzilla: Monster Planet

WAR FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (July 14, 2017)/GODZILLA: MONSTER PLANET (November 2017)
Yes, I’ve already e-barfed about both these movies prior. But these are NEW POSTERS people. That’s gotta stand for something. As the 10 billion people (give or take) who regularly read this blog know, I’m a lollipop-wrapped sucker for movie art. I blame this on my early-age diet of comic books and undiagnosed illiteracy.

In War for the Planet of the Apes, armies of monkeys fling poo at their human adversaries. (Don’t get it in your eyes, fellas.) In Godzilla: Monster Planet (anime), Godzilla “marks his territory” over the entire world. Advice: buy wading boots that go up to your neck. And don’t let any get in your eyes.

Door-To-Door Slashers

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Strangers

It hasn’t been a good night for James and his girlfriend Kristen. He proposed permanently hitching to her, she basically said hell no thanks, and all the clichéd romantic devices he set up at his parent’s house — rose petals on the bed, chilled champagne, candles, psycho killers outside — were all for nothing.

The Strangers

Well, not all for nothing. The psycho killers are hanging around to take the soured mood to a new level. In the end James and Kristen are tied up and… So much for the sequel.

The Strangers

This was based on a true story, though I doubt it. People just don’t break into houses, because it’s against the law. The movie also allegedly draws inspiration from the Manson murders, so it has that marketing going for it. What it doesn’t have is a plot or anything remotely consisting of dialogue. Other than the one line, the killers don’t speak or show their real faces (until the end). And all Kristen does is scream and cry. Same with James. (Wussy.) That’s the whole movie.

The Strangers

For a much better version of this generically-titled The Strangers (2008), watch The Last House on the Left (2009) remake, You’re Next (2011), or better still, The Collector (2009) That one will make the hairs on your couch warmer turn white — if they aren’t already.

Cannibals, Vampires, Talking Trees

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Child Eater

Lots of horror movies as of late. Wonder that the stinkin’ heck that’s all about? Not like it’s goonin’ me out or anything. Okay, maybe a little.

CHILD EATER (2016)
“Taking it’s cues from dark fairy tales, the story concerns of simple night of babysitting, which takes a horrifying turn when Helen realizes that the bogeyman is real and is in little Lucas’ closet.”

Gotta say, this might be the best horror movie title with a kid reference since 1972’s Children Shouldn’t Play With Dead Things. Child Eater is based on a 2012 short of the same name. Never saw it. I was busy washing and combing my hair the entire year. (And what a shine!)

Wolves at the Door

WOLVES AT THE DOOR (2017)
“Four friends gather at an elegant home during the Summer of Love, 1969. Unbeknown to them, deadly visitors are waiting outside. What begins as a simple farewell party turns to a night of primal terror as the intruders stalk and torment the four, who struggle for their lives against what appears to be a senseless attack.”

A questionable rendering of the counter-culture Manson murders nearly 50 years ago. Who needs hippie reenactments when today’s home invasion die kill bleed movies (i.e., Them/2006, The Strangers/2008, and You’re Next/2013) are almost as nasty as the real thing?

The Devil's Candy

THE DEVIL’S CANDY (March, 2017)
“A struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.”

Since most painters are struggling, by extension that means they’re all possessed by satanic forces. That, or cadmium yellow.

Leatherface

LEATHERFACE (2017)
“The origin story for The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), in which a young nurse is kidnapped by four violent teens who escape from a mental hospital and take her on a road trip from hell. Pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge, one of these teens is destined for tragedy and horrors that will destroy his mind, molding him into the monster we now call Leatherface.”

The seventh sequel for this butt-rubbed-raw franchise (that was supposed to come out 2015). You ever see a cow that’s been over-milked? Looks like leather.

The Transfiguration

THE TRANSFIGURATION (2017)
“A 14-year-old misfit gets bullied at school and immerses himself in the world of vampires to escape his solitude when he returns home.”

You can tell this kid is already messed up when he delves into the world of vampires instead of preferred Victoria’s Secret™ underwear catalogs. Sorry bloodsuckers; I’m tradin’ you in for a Dream Angels’™ sheer floral lace tunic. I don’t care if it costs $68. I’ll get another job.

Without Name

WITHOUT NAME (2017)
There’s something bizarre and nightmarish waiting in the woods, and its sights are set on Eric, a land surveyor who’s tasked with assessing the woodland area in question just as his marriage is about to crumble. Stressed out by his fractured home life, Eric is tragically susceptible to the woods’ powerful ability to enter the emotionally wounded man’s mind and wreak both physical and mental havoc on him.”

Hey, Eric — don’t listen to those trees, man; They’re a bunch of Republicans. Bushes, too. (Heh.) And don’t get me started on that smack talkin’ Scotch broom…

Killer Headwear

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 19, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You're Next

Not released as of this dissertation (sorry – word of the day calendar), but You’re Next is the latest in an uncomfortable trend of home invasion horror movies. Doesn’t this stuff happen every 30 seconds in thre world? Wondering out loud why we need movies depicting it.

The Strangers

Home invasion movies often feature a person or persons of will ill-intent, doing the whole cat-n-mouse thing with their victims while wearing masks. I guess that’s the only way to make movies like this marketable.

The Purge, The Collector

The invaders in You’re Next are wearing stylish animal masks.  There’s a cat, a lamb and some sort of man-bear pig (props, South Park.) Admittedly, few would go see this movie if the killers were just wearing ski masks from REI™ or (my fav), Jos. A. Bank ™. ( Just kidding – they won’t let me in the door. Screw you guys – I’m buying my facewear at Target™.)

Jason 'n Michael

Then you have the 2013 hit, The Purge, where the killers wear cartoon-y human face masks. Not too scary, but easily found at Planet Halloween™.

Leatherface 'n Alice

Then there was the plastic girl and stitched burlap headgear worn in The Strangers (2008). And let us not forget the leather bondage mask employed to generic but creepy effect in The Collector (2009) and American Horror Story (2011). Note to nit-pickers: Yes, I know American Horror Story is not a home invasion movie. It’s a family-friendly TV series along the lines of The Waltons (1971 – 1981).

Motel Hell

Regardless of all the countless masked serial killers (home invaders or not) – from Jason Voorhees (hockey mask/Friday the 13th) and Michael Myers (Capt. Kirk/Halloween), to Leatherface (un-moisturized face/Texas Chain Saw Massacre) and even the cute as a button terror tot Alice (ballerina/Alice Sweet Alice), one still resonates as being the ickiest and ballsiest (I think that’s a word) mask of all time: the severed pig head worn by farmer/butcher/entrepreneur Vincent Smith in Motel Hell (1980). Not only is it supremely scary, but later, after you take it off, your face will smell like bacon. If that isn’t a double bonus, I don’t know what is.